Sooper Fail!!!

Today in the morning i got a high voltage creative jolt when I saw my daughter singing and dancing to a familiar tune but with different words. She was singing and dancing to the tune of “Sheila ki Jawani” but with a twist, she was pronouncing it as “Sheila ki Chapati”. When she saw me looking at her she invited me to her party and I being her father gladly joined her as her dance partner.

This is what I mean when I say that children are the most creative albeit little people in the world. They can transform anything to anything without using any tools, techniques, man power, worrying about limitations or feedback, just by using their natural, unpolluted creativity, embedded in them by nature. If the creativity of my daughter was polluted she would have known that Sheila would not be able to cook a chapati even if her dear life hanged in the balance.  I don’t know Sheila or Katreena personally but, judging by the way the “stars” lead their lives, I can safely assume that she wouldn’t be able to remember the last time she boiled an egg, let alone cook a chapati.

Enough said about Sheila, coming to the real point, Sheila ki Chapati gave me an idea. I’ll take this opportunity to address the Dawn Paratha people and pitch in my idea for their new ad. A bunch of Horny looking people eating Paratha in a sensuous way and the tag line would be, yes you guessed it, “Sheila ki Chapati”. You must be wondering, why horny people? Well it’s because sex sells and we, the people of Pakistan are being portrayed as people who will buy anything if sold in a sexually arousing manner. Why do I say this? Well, case in point the new ad for “Sooper” Biscuit. My only question for the geniuses who made this ad is why is the woman in the ad eating the biscuit like she is in heat? Is it because she wants to be kinky with the biscuit or because of a biscuit fetish? In any case, are they promoting fetish behaviors or a biscuit?

It’s high time that the nitwits at the advertising agency and the dimwits at EBM realize that even if sex sells, it should not be used to sell biscuits. It’s just nasty and wrong. I know for a fact that “Sooper” is making EBM a butt load of money, why go and sleaze it up? The folks at continental biscuits are facing a tough time to cope with the competition between “Bakery” and “Sooper” and mind you “Sopper” is ahead and winning big time.

Please stop assuming and degrading the intelligence of people of Pakistan by showing that the attendees enjoy biscuits at a “Dance Party”. We all know what goes on behind the closed doors of a dance party, its less eating, more drinking, and the less eating surely does not involve any kind of biscuits. Stop telling us that the female students at college start dancing every time someone offers them a “Sooper” biscuit. Mujra ain’t cheap my friend, ask any politician if you have any doubts about my statement. If you jack asses lack creativity, contact me, and I’ll get you some from my three and a half years old daughter.

Some Humor to Brighten our Day

A popular speaker Said: "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a beautiful woman who wasn't my wife!" Audience was shocked. The speaker added: "that woman was my mother!" (Laughter and Applause) A listener tried it at his home. He said loudly to his wife, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a very beautiful woman who was not my Wife!" Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second Half of the joke, he finally said "...and I can't remember who she was!" and he regained his consciousness in a hospital bed. Moral: Don't Copy if you can't Paste! 

Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit." 

All Aboard the 2011 Express

It’s that time of the year once again when we amazingly stupid hopefuls have taken our first steps into a so called 'New Year'. With dreams decorating our eyes, heart filled with hopes of doing and achieving something better, brain surrounded by different ideas, we enter another year which from the looks of it will not be any different from the previous one. Case in point, the hike in petroleum prices, it’s like the government is sending us greetings by saying "We Wish you a Sucky Christmas and a Crappy New Year".  So following in the footsteps of our 360 degrees hated government, let me be amongst the first ones to ruin your new year by point out the fact that if the Mayans did somehow managed to accurately calculate the expiry date of this planet than, we all have only one more year to live. How's that for a New Year greeting?

Let’s not kid ourselves, what is so new about this year besides the calendar and the diary manufacturers getting a chance to make some money? Abso-freaking-lutely nothing. We as people have no right to wish each other glad tidings for the New Year or any year, the reason being our absolute concrete commitment to not change. We don't want to change the way we live, the way we lead our lives, our standard of living, the way we manipulate religion and religious feelings, or the people supposedly responsible for governing us. If we don't give a rat's ass about changing all that than what good will changing the digits of a year do for us? We wear sun glasses to avoid the sunlight from hitting our eyes and in this case it seems like we all are wearing reality glasses, the insides of which are printed with a statuary message, “Warning, change is injurious to heath, ministry of change resistance/same old, Government of Pakistan.

Since it’s a universal tradition, I too will follow it but with a sincere twist by wishing everyone a very happy new year filled with happiness and health, glow, glee and greatness, wealth and wisdom, and everything good that's achievable and attainable, from the bottom of my heart. If you wish to, you can wish the same for me too.

Poetic Resignation

(Posted as received through a forwarded email)

The name is good, the brand is big
But the work I do is that of a pig

The work or the brand; what is my way?
I don’t know if I should stay.

To work, they have set their own way
Nobody will care to hear what I say

My will be NULL, they wont change their way
I don’t know if I should stay.

The project is in a critical stage
But to do good work, this is the age

This dilemma is killing me day by day
I don’t know if I should stay.

The money is good, the place is great
But the development is at a very small rate

Should I go for the work, or wait for pay
I don’t know if I should stay!

The managers don’t know what they talk
The team doesn’t know where they walk

That’s a bad situation, what say?
I don’t know if I should stay.

I can go to any other place
But what if I get the same disgrace

I can’t keep switching day by day
I don’t know if I should stay.

The -ves are more, the +ves are less
Then why have this unnecessary mess

No more will I walk their way,
It’s all done, I won’t stay.

Thanks & Regards
Hard Working Employee

Ahhh, The Cold War for a Damn Mobile

I recently went on an out of control shopping spree, and bought myself a new mobile/cell phone. The last time I did some impulsive shopping was more than 1 year ago when I had treated myself to a cell phone. Hey, don't start judging me, for a middle class Joe like me, buying a mobile is still a luxury purchase worth celebrating, but this time I had to buy one for my wife, but then the devil whispered some sweet poetry in my ears and I decided to keep the mobile for myself. Big mistake, I know now, and thus I unknowingly invited the silent, not speaking to you, door banging, cooking utensils clanking, poisonous sarcastic replies to simple everyday questions, wrath of my lovely and beloved wife.

Now the background story of why I was pushed into purchasing and listening to the devil, well one of the twins somehow threw my wife’s mobile out of our 4^th floor balcony without any warning. We only got to know what had happened when at the night my wife wanted to send a sms to one of her Saheli and the mobile was nowhere to be found. We searched high and low, through thick and thin, I even suggested lodging an FIR, to which she gave me a very pathetically degrading look which translates into “You are such a cheap ass” etc. I don’t know if she drugged me or I was talking in my sleep or something but to cut the story short I generously promised to get her a new mobile ASAP.

After a heated argument between me and my conscious, I finally gave in and went to Abdullah Haroon Road to buy a mobile. Since my purchase range, to put it politely was very limited, I went for the sleazily advertised Qmobile E900 SOAP. It was available in Black and White colors and I opted for the white and paid Rs=6500/= for it. I rejoiced on my way back to home, feeling very rich because of the purchase that I had just made.

The mobile is exactly what it is: a poor man’ touch screen phone, nothing more and nothing less. The camera takes sucky pictures and the video camera records videos that blow big time. It is being advertised as a 3 mega pixel camera when in reality it has a .3 mega pixel camera. I think they deliberately forgot to add the” .” before the 3. The touch operation is good except for the fact that sometimes unlocking it becomes a huge pain in the ass. I think there is a point on the screen which needs to be precisely pressed for the phone to unlock and this keeps you on your toes every time you try to unlock it. The screen is good with the brightness and contrast and responds well to the touch.

The sound player and the video player too are good, but the signal reception is shaky in crowded or underground areas. The sound quality too is good and the volume is not like other deafening Chinese phones (I was later told by someone that Qmobile is Korean or Taiwanese).The battery works very well when charged and keeps on working for at least 2 whole days. The yuckiest thing about this phone is the user manual which comes with it. It was supposed to be written in English but the writer though otherwise and wrote it in a language which appears to be English but fails miserably to make any sense.  

Since I was using the same phone for the past 1 something year, greed got the best of me and I decided to keep the phone for myself. Hey, don’t get me wrong, I am not an animal. I offered her to use my old mobile to which she politely told me to shove the phone where the sun don’t shine, figuratively speaking.  Fortunately for me she does not use curse words otherwise this would have been her exact reply.

So this was the start of the cold war which went on for some days after which one day I remembered when a couple of years ago I had to sell my mobile for some reason. After i sold my mobile my wife offered me her mobile which I then used for almost a year, during this whole time she was without a phone and she did not say a word about it. 

I started feeling guilty about the whole episode and she graciously accepted my apology and the phone, thus ending the war and start of a lovely dovey, happily married life once again. The End