Crazy Job Application

The Title says it all!

Crazy Job Application

Har eik Friend Zaroori Hota Hai - Pakistani Version!

Insan ke liye jaise ghost hota hai
vaise har ek politician nhaist hota hai
aise har ek politician nhaist hota hai

koi subah paanch baje notification nikalay
koe raat ko teen baje siren bajaay
ek teri kadki mein izafara kare
aur ek tere budget ka kabara kare

koi born kamina.. Koi parasite hota hai..
Par har ek politician nhaist hota hai

ek ghadi ghadi karachi aay aur mufahmat kare
ek sailaab k dino main uk, france ka dora kare

badmaashi ki koi zinda advertisment
koi wazarat sambhalay to karde halat tight
koi napasandida, koi hated hota hai
par har ek politician nhaist hota hai

morning friend, koi evening friend
koi kamai wala sugar mill friend
mafia wala land grabbing friend
koi taseer wala marhoom friend
molvie buddy.. Fauji buddy
hi buddy.. Bye buddy
ANP buddy.. MQM buddy
mirza buddy.. Altaaf buddy
2 takay k logon ki kabaddi

kutte... Kaminey..

Everybody.. Sab buddy
a to z

dekh dekh ke halaat bheja roast hota hai
Kyun k har ek politician nhaist hota hai
Is liay har ek politician nhaist hota hai

Another IT Gem

Found this pic of how IT people view each other and immediately wanted to share it with my readers

How IT Staff views each Other

I want the Monkey

A designer friend of mine forwarded me the scenario of a hilarious situation which he recently faced. It all begins with a client of his wanting a logo for a technology forum. The rest of the story in his own words continues like this: "This particular client, like many other tech-savvy people I know, is unfathomably enamored with the Google Android icon, and predictably, wanted a logo that “looked like that”, but maybe “more like a monkey”.

Being the creative director, and assuming my brain only shits gold, I steered the designer away from that idea and launched into a multi-round design fray designing a logo that looked like anything but Android or a monkey. My designer’s ideas were clever, colorful, metaphorical, painstakingly rendered, extensible to the brand. He presented them with pride, knowing he had my back.

From the client: radio silence.

The designer followed up, asked for another meeting, offered to create alternative ideas or show how our logo could be adapted. He tweaked it, agonized over it, showed our design team more comps and sketches. Pride beget frustration beget apathy. We didn’t know how quite to proceed.

Weeks later, an e-mail from the client. In it, he attached several images of cartoon monkeys, and asked if the logo could be more like that. Like a clock winding backward, apathy beget frustration, and then, sighful resolution.

We scrapped everything, and my designer went back and designed a logo with a monkey that looks vaguely like the Android thing.

Lessons learned:

•     My brain does not shit gold.
•     My designers are awesome.
•     Just give them the monkey.
•    Adjust the rates accordingly from $50 per hour if you work alone to
•    $75 per hour if the client wants to watch, to
•    $100 per hour if the client wants to help.

STFU Zulfiqar Mirza

Just when Karachi breathed a little sigh of relief from all the commotion, useless targeted and random killings, Zulfiqar Mirza once again lights the entire city on fire via the ethnicity flame. The question here is, why would someone in their right mind do such a despicable thing? The answer unfortunately is more than obvious, Political Gains at the cost of human lives. People such as Zulfiqar Mirza know that they don't have the power to give the gift of life to anyone but they unfortunately have the absolute corrupt power to loot, kill, plunder and manipulate. I was watching the news conference live on T.V and just as he uttered those words i said to myself, may god have mercy on Karachi. I knew that tomorrow would not be a good day for Karachi and for the people living in Karachi because of a fool running his mouth uncontrollably.

I also saw some people dragging ZM away from the podium after he was done setting Karachi on fire, because they knew that he had completed his job and achieved the desired target.I also saw Shahi Syed standing besides ZM and smirking away with every foul word uttered by ZM.While coming to my office today i saw many people standing on the roads, waiting for some mode of public transport but unfortunately it was no where to be found. And since our ever some "competent" government had decided to ban pillion riding, i wasn't even able to offer someone a lift. This is what humanity has come to in Karachi, even if you want you cannot help someone in distress and need. And yet the people in power continue to live a shameless life of leisure and luxury while in a delusional state of "Everything is A OK'.

I also saw some people with a very worried look on their face, holding tools in their hands that identified them as Daily Wagers. I don;t care whether ZM is in love with Afaq or Altaf or Iblees, but since he is directly responsible for the unrest today, he should be made to feed the people whose lives depend on the wages that they earn on a daily basis.

And coming onto what he said about "Bhooka Nanaga" people arriving in Sindh after partition and local people of Sindh supporting them, well Mr ZM, Quaid-e-Azam worked day and night to get an independent country for the Nanga Bhooka people, so if you have any problems with them arriving here then its best that you should leave this country and as this would be a welcome step towards making Pakistan a Better Country. Also don't forget to take your boss with you.

Funeral Pic of Quaid-e-Azam Mohammed Ali Jinnah

Funeral Pic of Quaid-e-Azam Mohammed Ali Jinnah

Rest in Peace Mr Jinnah. Its good that you died when you had the chance otherwise you too would have been a victim of target or extra judicial killing.

Oh, The Humanity

Yesterday was quite a normal day, nothing unusual about it but then the dreaded clock struck 7 and the news about a Dacoit, a Snatcher and a Low Life Thug being shot to death in Benazir park started airing on various news channels. This was not an attention worthy piece of information since as a nation we are now accustomed to hearing gun shots, seeing blood and dead bodies and living our lives constantly under the threat and fear of being bombed or shot at any point of time during broad day light or when the skies turn dark.

But yesterday, the skies did not turn dark, they turned red. Red because of the blood of the youth that was shot in cold blood at point blank range by a few uniformed, courageous protectors of the citizens of Karachi. The video of this entire incident is a chilling reminder that we, as a nation, are on the brink of a huge Mental Collapse. We proved that we all are angry and we want to take our anger out on something or someone by burning some people alive in Karachi, our state of mind reared its ugly head again when the two brothers from Sialkot were lynched to death by an angry mob, and we proved that we are not fit to be called humans when we shot dead a pregnant woman, killing her and her unborn baby, along with 4 other innocent people in Kharotabad. Every day we hear stories about a how a man gruesomely killed his father, mother and the rest of the family or how a man slayed his wife and children for reasons known or unknown.  

I am not going to dwell into the argument of this incident being a breach of the law because we all know that it truly was a slap across the face of the law. But I would like to take a look at it from a humane point of view.  Shooting someone that is pleading for his life at point blank range while looking directly into his begging eyes takes a lot of heart, or no heart or feelings, as a matter of fact. I am pondering over the state of the mind of the ranger’s officials that shot him and then left him there to die a miserable and painful death. I cannot get over the fact that even if the guy was a criminal, a snatcher or a no good excuse for a human being than too shooting him like that must have required a lot of anger inside those rangers’ officials to urge them to commit such a dreadful atrocity against humanity.

Violence and anger are two elements that are increasingly being witnessed on a more regular basis in our society. On the roads, while forming queues, at home, in the workplace and amongst friends, we all seem to solve all our problems though verbal and physical assaults. It’s like we are walking backwards on the path towards ethics and ethical maturity. I don’t know when it all went wrong but sadly it has gone horribly wrong and we have no one else to blame for it but ourselves. We chose the wrong people as our religious leaders, as our political leaders and as our saviors, and when they turned out to be the ultimate bad guys we started to get mad and angry at our own dumbness. But since we were intelligent enough to blame others for our mistakes we started to take our anger out on people who had nothing to do with the misfortune that had befallen us and this practice has now taken a toll on the entire nation.  

Terror Idol

After a much awaited and rather joyful demise of the reigning sultan of suicidal psychos, it’s time once again that the people behind the NWO philosophy elect a new Terror Idol to further advance their agenda. The last idol was chosen unanimously by all the judges and he successfully continued to terrify the world for 13 consecutive years (1998 – 2011). But, since even the best thought out plans too must come to an end and so did Osama Bin Laden, May his soul burn in the deepest, darkest corner of hell till eternity. Since the last season of the Terror Idol, the producers have decided on a number of changes including the voting (selection) process and the judges’ panel.

For this season of the Terror Idol, the judging panel comprises of fresh faces. The set of rules governing this show are very strict and stringent regarding who can be on the judging panel, the nationality of the judges and the selection process of a new symbol of terror. Only the face of the judges is allowed to change but their belonging and their undying support for everything anti humanity, nasty, and creepy, however has to remain the same. So without further ado, let me introduce the judges’ panel for this season of The Terror Idol. The first person to be on this panel is none other than Mr. Barack Obama. Barack Hussein Obama is the 44th and current President of the United States. He is the first African American to hold the office. Obama previously served as a United States senator from Illinois, from January 2005 until he resigned following his victory in the 2008 presidential election. (Source: Wikipedia)

The second person on the panel can be none other than Mr. Benjamin Netanyahu, the Prime Minister of Israel. Benjamin "Bibi" Netanyahu is the Prime Minister of Israel. He serves also as the Chairman of the Likud Party, as a Knesset member, as the Health Minister of Israel, as the Pensioner Affairs Minister of Israel and as the Economic Strategy Minister of Israel. (Source: Wikipedia)

The last but certainly not the least member of the panel is the one and only Abdullah, the King of Saudi Arabia. Abdullah bin Abdul-Aziz Al Saud, Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques, is the current King of Saudi Arabia. On August 1, 2005, he succeeded to the throne upon the death of his half-brother, King Fahd. Previously, as Crown Prince, he governed Saudi Arabia as regent from 1996 to 2005. He has been Commander of Saudi Arabian National Guard from 1962 to November 2010. He is one of the world's wealthiest royals. (Source: Wikipedia)

Since the last season of the Terror Idol was aired some 13 years ago, I think it is necessary to give you all an overview of how things work on this “show”. Terror Idol is a reality show the aim of which is to find the next “Terrorstar”. The show is created by the enemies of humanity and produced by the stolen, hard earned money of the pathetic, easy to manipulate masses, otherwise known as the people living in the world. The concept of this series is to bring forth, the next big thing in the world of terror, war, espionage, conspiracies and international black mailing.

As for the panel of judges, only the wickedest and most evil people in the world are allowed to be on it. Along with being wicked, it is mandatory that they should have the power to manipulate and shape public opinions through the excessive use of propaganda, money and brute, merciless force. According to the international ratings, the last season of the Terror Idol was a huge hit, both with the masses and classes, so the producers felt that someone from Saudi Arabia should continue to be on the judging panel since it involves branding Islam as a religion of blood thirsty freaks. Moreover, the rules clearly state the America and Israel have to be on the judging panel at any cost. Previously, the third chair of the judging panel was warmed by none other than the Queen of England herself. Saudi Arabia gladly agreed for the position of the third judge because of the "Iranophobia" and because it wants to avoid "Anarchy" by keeping the Monarchy alive for generations and generations. Also, it was felt by the producers that since the Saudis want to enforce their version of Islam on the rest of the Muslim world, they will gladly invest and fund the winner, all in the name of Islam and Jihad.

About the other two chairs, Israel is on the judging panel because of the obvious reason of turning the eyes of the world away from the heinous crimes committed by it against the unarmed and poorly organized men, women and children of Palestine and blatantly labeling them as terrorists. Israel succeeds in doing so all because of the nut cases such as OBL that give Islam and Jihad a completely twisted meaning.

America of course has to be a judge since it desperately wants to continue to dominate the rest of the world as the only "Super Power" and wants to poke its nose in everything unnecessarily whether it belongs there or not. To do so it has to have a reason and so it has decided to use Islam conveniently to violate international territories and boundaries and freaks like OBL gladly agree to be its ambassador.

The winner is selected on the basis of how much blood he can shed in the shortest span of time. The more innocent people die, the better his chances of winning. The net body count is taken as the vote, and on this basis the contestant is crowned as the undisputed Terror Idol. The contestant is required to be a complete package of terror, and because of this, the contestant is also judged on the basis of how much pain and suffering he can inflict on people belonging to a particular nation, race, religion or sect.

Now, moving on to this season's contestants. After auditioning hundreds of people, the panel has decided on three finalists. The names of this season's finalists are:

1. Hakimullah Mehsud
2. Aiman Al Zawahiri
3. Saif al Adel

The long list of achievements of all the three finalists can be read on wikipedia.

The winner is yet to be officially announced but the pundits, gurus, and mindless fanatic zombies are all pointing towards Saif al Adel despite the great talent of beheading, suicide bombing, and reckless endangerment of humanity displayed by Hakimullah. Personally i think the judges are biased and don't want to crown a Paki as the undisputed and ultimate symbol of terror and fear. Once again, Pakistan will have to achieve this glory on its own but i am very hopeful because I know for a fact that Hakimullah with the help of the devil will do his level best in getting us this crown and getting Pakistan labeled as an otherwise incompetent but a competent enough terrorist country.

A Superb Way to Sell Ad Space

Creativity Strikes Again

Selling Ad Space doesn't get any better than this

I Do Not Believe!!!

Another Day, Another Blunder, this best describes the events that unfolded last night at PAF Faisal Base. I don’t care about the nationality of the cursed terrorist nor do I care about their motives. However, what I do care about is the fact that this was the 4^th direct attack on one of the branches of the institution that is responsible to uphold our national integrity and protect us from our enemies. Since my childhood I have been told that India is our enemy and our Army, Navy and Air force is here to stop them and protect me from their evil deeds. All my life I have believed in this notion no matter what the situation was. 

I believed in this notion despite the fact that I saw my children being shoved in a cramped school van and I saw “their” children going to school comfortably in large army trucks. I believed in this notion despite the fact that I saw my wife travelling like an animal in a minibus and I saw “their” wives comfortably commuting in a luxury vehicle with a security squad. I believed in this notion despite the fact that I saw people dying miserably in government hospitals and I saw “them” going abroad to get pills for erectile dysfunctions. I believed in this notion despite the fact that I counted my money while earning it and before and after spending it and I never saw “them” present their budgets in the parliament or assembly.

I believed in this notion despite the fact that I travel on a motor bike and I see “them” traveling in nothing less than a Pajero or Land Cruiser. I believed in this notion despite the fact that I paid taxes and Sales tax on everything and I saw “them” buying subsidized food that was Sales tax free. I believed in this notion despite the fact that I was stuck in this scorching heat, because of V.I.P movement,  with my daughter pleading me to get her away from the sun and I saw “them” comfortably sitting in their high priced, imported, air conditioned cars accompanied by an entourage of security vehicles. I believed in this notion despite the fact that most Pakistani’s do not have their own roof over their heads and I saw “them” get plots, apartments and bungalows, absolutely free from DHA, before and after retiring.

I believed in this notion despite the fact that people are dying on the streets without committing any crimes and I saw “them” spent billions of rupees on their own security. I believed in this notion despite the fact innocent civilians are dying in suicide attacks and I had seen “them” creating those same suicide bombers 20 years ago. I believed in this notion despite the fact that I have to suffer through load shedding, street crimes, merciless inflation, no health care, absolute ridicule and I saw "them" get 60% share in the National Budget. I believed in this notion despite the fact that now no country allows my work or immigration visas and I saw “them” traveling on a British passport. I believed in this notion despite the fact that "they" are responsible for my security and I saw “them” protecting  “National Interests”.

I believed in this notion despite the fact that the entire Hotel Mehran road was closed because the “chief” was in the guest house. I believed in this notion despite the fact that they let the bald devil go free when instead he should have been hanged for good. I believed in this notion despite the fact that they allowed every corrupt soul back into Pakistan, absolutely guilt free with all their previous criminal records erased. I believed in this notion despite the fact that we agreed to let Raymond Davis go free. I believed in this notion despite the fact that Osama was found hiding in Pakistan.

I believed in this notion despite the fact that most of the most wanted people were able to score a safe haven in Pakistan. I believed in this notion not because I feared that I might be labeled as a traitor for speaking against “them” but because I truly believed in this “institution” and its abilities. 

But now, I refuse to buy it, and I choose not to believe in it. You knew very well that the C.I.A/RAW/Mossad/TTP/Al-Qaeda/Any Other Secret Agencies were up to no good, and yet you continued to sleep. Even after three consecutive attacks in the same month, you still chose to hit the snooze button and pretend as if nothing has happened. Now it’s your turn to believe and get disappointed in the end. You can still choose to believe that your are fooling the nation and continue on with the loot and plunder but the reality is that the end is near, nearer than you actually anticipated.

Porn Really is Everywhere!

So, word on the street is that Osama had a little collection of porn hidden away in the compound/fortress. Well it makes sense, he had to watch something exciting besides watching himself on the TV and as luck would have it, the anchors and newscasters on Al-Jazeera are far away from being labeled as "eye candy". They have yet to disclose the particular category of porn found stashed away in the compound, but we can safely assume that it belonged to either one of the Bestiality, Old people, Gay or Rough category.

Now I know that people will say that it’s all cheap propaganda to defame an already notorious character but let’s not forget that OBL was human after all. He too had needs and greeds. And since he was on a self proclaimed, self righteous holy mission, he had holy urges to procreate little Osamas that would in turn frantically run around threatening to behead anything that moved. But alas, his dreams never saw the dawn of reality and his wives refused to raise little Osamas as warrior prince. This fact is evident from the will disclosed by the Kuwaiti newspaper in which Osama orders his sons to stay the hell away from Al-Qaeda, just to save face. 

There is one more thing that fascinates me more than anything. It is revealed that he was hiding in this compound for the past 5 years and during those years he never once left the compound or went out. It’s simply amazing to know this because he had three wives in the compound so it’s three times the nagging and the complaining about “You never take me out” or “We were so outgoing during the time we spent in Afghanistan hiking and mountaineering etc”. If Osama has to be respected about something it has to be this amazing control over his wives. My god, I can’t even imagine the luxury of not going out and not being nagged crazy, continuously about it. I salute you Osama for this achievement, and well, for being able to hide your porn from three wives simultaneously. You really were a hide and seek champion from 1998 - 2011.   

For Every SON, there is a MOM

Ma, Mom, Mother, Mai, Moi, Maaji, and under special circumstances General Ammi are some of the numerous titles by which I dare to address my most respected after God, Mom.

Ma, thank you for not letting me turn out to be captain imbecile, thanks for keeping me disciplined and most of all thanks for being the galaxy’s greatest mom. You are a natural and transcendental leader, the embodiment of compassion and a towering structure of care and I consider myself the luckiest joe alive only because I get to call you MA.

Mom if it wasn’t for you I would’ve turned out to be a pampered, spoiled, good for nothing, absolutely useless brat (thanks to dad). It was you who threatened to smack the chap off my lips, beat the stupid out of me, punish the mischief off my evil mind, and let me tell you ma, your threats worked. I was stark raving scared of you and your super powers. Powers such as the ability to read my mind, to see into my soul through my eyes, to anticipate my next atrocity and always stopping me dead right in my tracks before I could actually perpetrate anything. No matter how good a plan I made, you were and still are always a step ahead of me.

Mother, it’s because of you that my life is a never ending vortex of awesomeness, coupled with greatness and ubercool. Thank you for allowing me to bask in your glory, feel protected under your gratifying shadow and for teaching me how to live life in a way that’s both legendary and inspiring. Sadly i have not managed to live up to your expectations because of my refusal to listen to you.

Mai, it still fascinates me how you are always able to hit the bulls eye just by looking at me. You are able to accurately predict the temperature of my fever without even using a thermometer, you know when I am depressed or worried regardless of the huge smile on my face, and you know my next move without me explaining you the complete scenario. This is something above and beyond telepathy, a human WIFI, 4G, Bluetooth connection with you being the server machine and me being the workstation, nothing I do is outside of your knowledge and i am always protected from outside intrusions, viruses and attacks by your firewall.

Moi, I have you to save me from the wrath of God, but i can have no one to save me from your wrath if I decide to be a complete loser by disrespecting, dishonoring and hurting your feelings. I am a firm believer that Paradise lies underneath your feet and I think it’s because of the fact that Almighty wanted Paradise to know that it is not the greatest creation created by him and so he placed it under your feet and secondly Almighty wanted you to know your greatness, the height of your status. Not only did he place it under your feet but gave you complete authority over who gets to enter and not. Moi over the years I have asked you for everything and I beg you, please when it comes to handing me the keys to Paradise do not hesitate and remember my wrong doings and deny me entrance.

General Ammi, i also believe that the cursed devil would have had a chance of being forgiven on the day of judgment if only he had a General Ammi to pray for him, but come to think of it, if he had a General Ammi he would never have gone astray and as a result gotten damned till eternity. His General Ammi would have immediately knocked some sense into his egomaniac brain and he would have gladly bowed down.

Maaji, i would like to let you know that i refuse to let you off the hook, i am your liability now and will forever be one. You need to figure out a way to care for me, help me, protect and rescue me whenever i get into trouble with people, situations or even God. Ma i sincerely, regularly and with all my heart pray for you to get a long, healthy and prosperous life but please make yourself available whenever i need you, even from your grave and beyond it from the other realm because i am sure you can do that, being a maaji and all.

To wrap my speech in your honor, i would like to add that your prayers are the wings that give me flight, your blessings act as a shield and cover and hide my shortcomings, errors and mistakes, and if ever the world respects me for me it would be because i respected you for you. Thank you Ma, seriously and sincerely for everything; for giving me life, for bringing me into this world, raising me with utmost love and care and looking after me till today and for the rest of my life. I owe my life to you, i owe everything awesome to you, you are my mom and i am your son, that would not change even if i get to live a 100 years, I'd still be your little boy.

Advertising Gone Horribly Wrong

The advertising business in Pakistan has hit a new low. First we saw the ad for “Chaika”, then came the ad for “Pakola Tea Milk” and now Olivia cream bleach hits rock bottom. I am simply amazed at the workings of the "creative" minds behind the ad for Olivia cream bleach, why on earth would anyone willingly ridicule their product by casting someone like Mathira in their ad and asking her to be their brand ambassador. Its like opening the Pandora's box of crap, the crap will engulf as all.

There are a few reasons because of which i would like to see someone punching Mathira square in her pie hole. To start off, she speaks Urdu like a super moronic alien and she is dark skinned at best, and this does not nearly qualify her to be a spokesperson for a fairness bleach cream. Secondly, she has a dreadful accent that is a mix of Pashto and gibberish, and an even more dreadfully notorious personality, best suited for c, d, e grade Tamil or Telegu movies. Thirdly, she is despised by the women viewers because of her on air shenanigans. And last but not the least, the majority of her male fan following consists of perverted pervy weirdos that are obsessed with the thought of doing the nasty to her, (some of them have even openly expressed their unholy desires by calling her live show) regardless of the fact that she uses Olivia or not.

There are two versions of the same ad on air, one with Mathira and the other with some other model. I have noticed one thing in particular that both these versions are being aired only on cable and not on satellite channels. I guess the geniuses knew that Mathira wasn't satellite material but the same people who realized this obvious fact failed to comprehend that their target audience is lower middle class women, the same women that have seen Mathira doing her cheap, vulgar high jinks live on Vibetv and because of which they are anxiously waiting to try her as a human punching bag.

I understand that money is tight and every company wants to save money, but is it really worth it to take the cheap way out? Olivia had the budget to make two versions of the same ad with two different models so why didn't they combine the budget and opt for a classy showpiece instead of a ridiculously sadistic knockoff. I cannot think of a logical reason for this crime against creativity and thus I am forced to attribute this disaster to the dreaded casting couch. It's a slap across every models face that they now have to compete with the likes of Mathira by stepping down, way down from their high horses into the dirt. Well ladies, let me take this opportunity to welcome you, Welcome to Rock Bottom, I hope you are comfortable with Mathira as your neighbor.

Hell Called, Your Place is Reserved

Finally some glad tidings, Osama Dustbin Unladen has been officially laid to rest. Good riddance, the world now has one less A-Quality, Fanatic, A-hole to deal with. But it would have been better for Pakistan if his ass wasn’t bombed in Pakistan. What now awaits us is a new wave of finger pointing, endless whining and the nonstop strings of told you sos from the rest of the countries in the world especially the expert in mind numbing whining and nagging, India.

The TTP has obviously denounced the death of their sugar daddy similarly as they did when the crap was blown out of their illegitimate dad Baitullah Mehsud. The high level intelligence officials in Pakistan too are keeping their mouths firmly shut in fear of not getting more funds to loot and plunder. The government officials have chose not to utter a single statement on this issue fearing being publicly and permanently tattooed as America’s Bitch and the army too is hiding behind covers fearing attacks on their buses and convoys.

Mr Obama told the press that he got in touch with the President of Pakistan before this operation and “informed” him about the events about to unfold. That’s mighty great of Mr Obama to “inform” us before hand. I believe the conversation went something like this:

Obama: Yo Zardari, what up?
Zardari: Nuffin much, just chillin, relaxin, corruptin
Obama: Dude, I called for some serious shit, we found Bin Laden, he’s in Pakistan
Zardari: OMG Really, you aren’t fu**ing with me, are you?
Obama: No man I am serious, we found him dead in Afghanistan, bought his body to Pakistan and now we are about to launch an operation to kill his dead body. You down with that?
Zardari: Man, why did you kill him, he was the reason we was getting all the security, protocol and everything.
Obama: Dude, elections are coming up in 2012, this time a video message wasn’t enough to guarantee my win and his satellite phone bills were getting ridiculously high, plus he was making unreasonable demands like attending the royal wedding and shit.
Zardari: what about the reward you guys were offering, whose gonna get that reward?
Obama: Man, stop talkin about money, you’ll get your share
Zardari: Ok then, I am ready to get jiggy with it
Obama: Tell Kiyani and others to co-operate or else I will unleash Petraeus on their asses.
Zardari: Ok, but they were asking for an increase in the defense budget
Obama: Man, they can have their hike in budget, Aiman and Omar are there to keep the threats real. I am about to pop open a bottle of champagne, I don’t have time to discuss this shit now. Watch me on the TV, I am about to address my peeps, just hired a new stylist, tell me how I look
Zardari: Dude, you always look good, If you were a women and white I swear I would be all over you

Obama: Man, don’t say all that, Wiki might be hearing, ok then later dude.

Update:

I got some criticism from some of my readers telling me that my behavior was not appropriate towards the death of a fellow "Muslim". Well, if that is the case than i choose to mourn the death of Saif-ul-Islam Gadhhafi. Even though he is accused of misuse of and getting drunken with power, atleast he did not malign islam, his actions did not make life a living hell for muslims all over the world and he did not lead astray an entire generation of what could have been some of the greatest minds of the muslim world.

Shut the Royal Up!

So there i was switching channels on my TV and all that was on display on every channel was "The Royal Wedding". The news casters and anchors were all giddy with excitement as if they themselves were getting married to the "Prince" or "Kate". I won't lie, for a moment or so i too got that twinkle in my eye while thinking about Kate, but then my "Dear"  wife knocked some sense into me via her "Death" stare.

As reported by the TV channels, this event was watched by over 2 billion viewers world wide, so this event got more viewers and coverage than then Tsunami and Earth quake in Japan. This goes to prove that most of the people in this world are shallow, and have nothing better to do with their time. I was browsing Facebook and came across an update which read "If i had a Gazillion f**ks in my right pocket and a Bajillion shits in my left pocket, i still wouldn't give a single one for the royal wedding". I was, to say the least, delighted to read this update because that was exactly what i felt. Because of my personal vendetta for the prince and the princess and the system of Kingdom, i hated everything about this wedding and everything that this wedding represented.

Real weddings aren't supposed to be this lavish or extraordinary because it makes "non royal peasants" like me feel inferior and crappy. And i can confidently predict that when the time comes, Bilawal Zardari will try to one up Prince William by getting married in a more Royal and Lavish way, just because he can on our money. And this won’t just stop here, all the remaining Kingdoms in the world would follow this tradition of Royal Weddings as well and that too on the expense of their people.  

The media seems to have conveniently forgotten that the last high profiled Royal Wedding ended in a divorce, with one partner dying a tragic death and the other one ended up marrying an ugly old chimp. The Royal wedding getting a chunk of coverage from the BBC and other UK based news channels was understandable but seeing our media going head over heels for the same was beyond comprehension. Why should we publicly accept the fact that we are lame and have nothing better to do with our on air time and space. Would anyone our National or otherwise events ever receive the same on air importance in the UK? Sadly the only royal treatment that we as Pakistanis could ever get is a Royal tongue lashing or the privileged of getting royally fu**ed.