Shut the Royal Up!

So there i was switching channels on my TV and all that was on display on every channel was "The Royal Wedding". The news casters and anchors were all giddy with excitement as if they themselves were getting married to the "Prince" or "Kate". I won't lie, for a moment or so i too got that twinkle in my eye while thinking about Kate, but then my "Dear"  wife knocked some sense into me via her "Death" stare.

As reported by the TV channels, this event was watched by over 2 billion viewers world wide, so this event got more viewers and coverage than then Tsunami and Earth quake in Japan. This goes to prove that most of the people in this world are shallow, and have nothing better to do with their time. I was browsing Facebook and came across an update which read "If i had a Gazillion f**ks in my right pocket and a Bajillion shits in my left pocket, i still wouldn't give a single one for the royal wedding". I was, to say the least, delighted to read this update because that was exactly what i felt. Because of my personal vendetta for the prince and the princess and the system of Kingdom, i hated everything about this wedding and everything that this wedding represented.

Real weddings aren't supposed to be this lavish or extraordinary because it makes "non royal peasants" like me feel inferior and crappy. And i can confidently predict that when the time comes, Bilawal Zardari will try to one up Prince William by getting married in a more Royal and Lavish way, just because he can on our money. And this won’t just stop here, all the remaining Kingdoms in the world would follow this tradition of Royal Weddings as well and that too on the expense of their people.  

The media seems to have conveniently forgotten that the last high profiled Royal Wedding ended in a divorce, with one partner dying a tragic death and the other one ended up marrying an ugly old chimp. The Royal wedding getting a chunk of coverage from the BBC and other UK based news channels was understandable but seeing our media going head over heels for the same was beyond comprehension. Why should we publicly accept the fact that we are lame and have nothing better to do with our on air time and space. Would anyone our National or otherwise events ever receive the same on air importance in the UK? Sadly the only royal treatment that we as Pakistanis could ever get is a Royal tongue lashing or the privileged of getting royally fu**ed.

A Legend Living No More

I just cannot believe it, its something not worth believing, how can this be? Moin Akhter Sahab is no more. Innalillah-e-wa-ina-ilaihay- rajaioon. Rest in peace Moin Sahab. You were way, way ahead of your time and you left the classy element of the entertainment industry orphaned, way, way before you ever should have. I am in no way doubting or questioning god's judgement but it hurts, it really does and hurts makes you complain and question.

I am asking myself only one question, why do the corrupt politicians get to live long lavish lives and people like Moin Akhter leave us so soon? Unlike the lot of current, corrupt politicians, the life of Moin Sahab mattered to so many people. He was the beacon of light for so many artists both struggling and established. Like so many others members of my generation, i too grew up watching the marvelous acts of Moin Akhter and every time i saw him on screen i instinctively knew that it was something good, something classy, and something worth watching. Whether it was a show where he was carrying the responsibility of anchoring, a drama serial or a talk show, Moin Akhter made it worth watching.

2011 has already been a devastating year for the entire world with the earthquakes and the tsunami, and nature chose 22nd April to deliver another fatal blow to Pakistan in the form of taking away Moin Akhter. But i would like to point of another tragedy in the making known as Anwer Maqsood. Anwer Maqsood and Moin Akhter were like the two sides of a coin, inseparable in every aspect. I don't know how Anwer Maqsood Sahab will cope with the sad demise of his beloved but i do know one thing, special attention needs to be diverted towards Anwer Maqsood before god forbid, we lose him too. I know that he is among the fortunate few people that knew Moin Akhter up-close and personal and that is why he is among the few that will suffer the full impact of this tragedy.     

I pray to Almighty that he grants Moin Akhter with the highest rewards for the good deeds done by him in his lifetime. Rest in Peace Moin Sahab, you might be gone, but you will never be forgotten.

My Only Real Friend, The Spammer

Is it just me or are the email spammers getting dumber by the minute. I have a couple of sincere, simple requests for all the spammers out there, "Get Creative or Get the Hell out of the Spamming Business. I know it sounds harsh after so many years of our "Virtual Friendship" and I acknowledge and thank you all for your sincere efforts to keep me company during my gloomy days. But since you have started to act clumsy and careless with you job, I feel it’s my duty to get you back on the track. And to prove my point, here's exhibit A of your not so intelligent efforts:

I got this exciting email from you today informing me that you have some vacancies at your US office and you would like to hire me for my services. Surprisingly enough, my expertise do not match your requirements but you insist on hiring me anyways just because you like me that much, so here is the email that I got and I will be pointing out the errors of your ways all the way through, my comments and recommendations are included in this pic:

Image of the email that i received and my suggestions for my real friend

So here we are with nothing but an awkward silence between us, see what happens when you are not careful with your words and end up hurting an old acquaintance.

This is what Marathon had to say about your offer of employment

Do you have any idea how much this hurts, i trusted you man, i only trusted you. Why dear spammer, why? you were there for me when i needed a pick me up by telling me that i had won a gazillion pounds, dollars euros, yen etc. You regularly offer to mail me a hot Russian bride even though you know that i am married with 3 kids, you are worried about my "smallness" and offer me inches and inches of manhood everyday nonstop. Sometimes you even offer me cheap medicines for the bedroom because you know that i am no good at that thing, and since i am poor i cannot afford the same medicine at full price.You offer to refinance my home(you care so much that it doesn't even bother you that i do not live in USA), get rid of my credit card debt(even though i have no credit cards), offer me free passes to Porn(i would really like to thank you for that), offer my fat ass various "proven" methods of weight loss and anti virus for my computer. Its these little things about you that i like so much and that is why i cherish our friendship.

After having done so much for me why did you send me false hope about moving to USA and working at Marathon? Why did you make these silly mistakes? is there a cryptic message somewhere in there that you want me to decipher? Please tell me that there is so i can start to trust you again. I know that you will not answer any of my questions but instead will continue to send me fantastic, once in a lifetime offers that could turn my life around. And you will do all this because you care for me, you have cared the crap out of me Dear Spammer.

The Joy of Watching Geo Die!!!!

I feel compelled to write this post because the government has banned Geo Super from airing its transmission from Pakistan. They can air it from any other country but not Pakistan, it’s like PEMRA has told Geo Super “Chal bay Nikal”. Unfortunately this is not the said part of the story; I don’t give a rat’s ass about Geo or Geo Super so I am not troubled by it. But it does trouble me when every time I flick through numerous Torture (News) Channels only to stop at Geo News and all I see is the chain of nonstop, round the clock whining, complaining, and pathetic begging for sympathy unleashed by their news casters. Damn Geo group, suck it up and stop your whining already. I hear enough whining as it is, in my office by the peon, on the road by the fellow motorists, in the public transport by the conductor and fellow travelers, in the market by the butchers and the vegetable vendors and in my home courtesy of my wife.

Just do what you are supposed to do which is to create a state of paranoia in the minds of the watching fools, depress the crap out of the viewers and continue to portray Pakistan as the worst place to be on God’s Green Earth. Your continuous whining distracts me from the more important issues at hand such as stacking up on house hold supplies because a civil war can erupt anytime and people will start killing each other because there will be no food, water, electricity, petrol, gas, medicines, etc.

As for Geo Super, I think I am partially responsible for this calamity otherwise known as PEMRA banning Geo Super. You see it was me who cursed Geo Super every time it interrupted live transmission of the Cricket World Cup only to persuade me to buy a silly product via telecasting a lame advertisement. Instead of watching the replay of how the wicket fell, I was stuck watching an advertisement. Every time a boundary or six was hit by a Pakistani player, I was stuck watching your ugly ass logo dance seductively with a ticker running on the bottom half of the screen. At one time you even had the audacity to blatantly make me miss half an over because you were busy televising commercials. I did not see you whining while you were busy milking the world cup and making money by the second. And all the while I was suffering because no other T.V channel had the “rights” to telecast the proceedings of the world cup and I was tormented watching you wrong me.

The pain of watching the defeat of Pakistan at Mohali quadrupled simply because of watching it on Geo Super, it was the ultimate insult being added to injury. We got to see Pakistan loose in between watching commercials. Good-freaking-bye Geo Super, it was not a pleasure knowing you. You will not be missed by any and will be continuously cursed by many.