Advertising Gone Horribly Wrong

The advertising business in Pakistan has hit a new low. First we saw the ad for “Chaika”, then came the ad for “Pakola Tea Milk” and now Olivia cream bleach hits rock bottom. I am simply amazed at the workings of the "creative" minds behind the ad for Olivia cream bleach, why on earth would anyone willingly ridicule their product by casting someone like Mathira in their ad and asking her to be their brand ambassador. Its like opening the Pandora's box of crap, the crap will engulf as all.

There are a few reasons because of which i would like to see someone punching Mathira square in her pie hole. To start off, she speaks Urdu like a super moronic alien and she is dark skinned at best, and this does not nearly qualify her to be a spokesperson for a fairness bleach cream. Secondly, she has a dreadful accent that is a mix of Pashto and gibberish, and an even more dreadfully notorious personality, best suited for c, d, e grade Tamil or Telegu movies. Thirdly, she is despised by the women viewers because of her on air shenanigans. And last but not the least, the majority of her male fan following consists of perverted pervy weirdos that are obsessed with the thought of doing the nasty to her, (some of them have even openly expressed their unholy desires by calling her live show) regardless of the fact that she uses Olivia or not.

There are two versions of the same ad on air, one with Mathira and the other with some other model. I have noticed one thing in particular that both these versions are being aired only on cable and not on satellite channels. I guess the geniuses knew that Mathira wasn't satellite material but the same people who realized this obvious fact failed to comprehend that their target audience is lower middle class women, the same women that have seen Mathira doing her cheap, vulgar high jinks live on Vibetv and because of which they are anxiously waiting to try her as a human punching bag.

I understand that money is tight and every company wants to save money, but is it really worth it to take the cheap way out? Olivia had the budget to make two versions of the same ad with two different models so why didn't they combine the budget and opt for a classy showpiece instead of a ridiculously sadistic knockoff. I cannot think of a logical reason for this crime against creativity and thus I am forced to attribute this disaster to the dreaded casting couch. It's a slap across every models face that they now have to compete with the likes of Mathira by stepping down, way down from their high horses into the dirt. Well ladies, let me take this opportunity to welcome you, Welcome to Rock Bottom, I hope you are comfortable with Mathira as your neighbor.

Hell Called, Your Place is Reserved

Finally some glad tidings, Osama Dustbin Unladen has been officially laid to rest. Good riddance, the world now has one less A-Quality, Fanatic, A-hole to deal with. But it would have been better for Pakistan if his ass wasn’t bombed in Pakistan. What now awaits us is a new wave of finger pointing, endless whining and the nonstop strings of told you sos from the rest of the countries in the world especially the expert in mind numbing whining and nagging, India.

The TTP has obviously denounced the death of their sugar daddy similarly as they did when the crap was blown out of their illegitimate dad Baitullah Mehsud. The high level intelligence officials in Pakistan too are keeping their mouths firmly shut in fear of not getting more funds to loot and plunder. The government officials have chose not to utter a single statement on this issue fearing being publicly and permanently tattooed as America’s Bitch and the army too is hiding behind covers fearing attacks on their buses and convoys.

Mr Obama told the press that he got in touch with the President of Pakistan before this operation and “informed” him about the events about to unfold. That’s mighty great of Mr Obama to “inform” us before hand. I believe the conversation went something like this:

Obama: Yo Zardari, what up?
Zardari: Nuffin much, just chillin, relaxin, corruptin
Obama: Dude, I called for some serious shit, we found Bin Laden, he’s in Pakistan
Zardari: OMG Really, you aren’t fu**ing with me, are you?
Obama: No man I am serious, we found him dead in Afghanistan, bought his body to Pakistan and now we are about to launch an operation to kill his dead body. You down with that?
Zardari: Man, why did you kill him, he was the reason we was getting all the security, protocol and everything.
Obama: Dude, elections are coming up in 2012, this time a video message wasn’t enough to guarantee my win and his satellite phone bills were getting ridiculously high, plus he was making unreasonable demands like attending the royal wedding and shit.
Zardari: what about the reward you guys were offering, whose gonna get that reward?
Obama: Man, stop talkin about money, you’ll get your share
Zardari: Ok then, I am ready to get jiggy with it
Obama: Tell Kiyani and others to co-operate or else I will unleash Petraeus on their asses.
Zardari: Ok, but they were asking for an increase in the defense budget
Obama: Man, they can have their hike in budget, Aiman and Omar are there to keep the threats real. I am about to pop open a bottle of champagne, I don’t have time to discuss this shit now. Watch me on the TV, I am about to address my peeps, just hired a new stylist, tell me how I look
Zardari: Dude, you always look good, If you were a women and white I swear I would be all over you

Obama: Man, don’t say all that, Wiki might be hearing, ok then later dude.

Update:

I got some criticism from some of my readers telling me that my behavior was not appropriate towards the death of a fellow "Muslim". Well, if that is the case than i choose to mourn the death of Saif-ul-Islam Gadhhafi. Even though he is accused of misuse of and getting drunken with power, atleast he did not malign islam, his actions did not make life a living hell for muslims all over the world and he did not lead astray an entire generation of what could have been some of the greatest minds of the muslim world.

Shut the Royal Up!

So there i was switching channels on my TV and all that was on display on every channel was "The Royal Wedding". The news casters and anchors were all giddy with excitement as if they themselves were getting married to the "Prince" or "Kate". I won't lie, for a moment or so i too got that twinkle in my eye while thinking about Kate, but then my "Dear"  wife knocked some sense into me via her "Death" stare.

As reported by the TV channels, this event was watched by over 2 billion viewers world wide, so this event got more viewers and coverage than then Tsunami and Earth quake in Japan. This goes to prove that most of the people in this world are shallow, and have nothing better to do with their time. I was browsing Facebook and came across an update which read "If i had a Gazillion f**ks in my right pocket and a Bajillion shits in my left pocket, i still wouldn't give a single one for the royal wedding". I was, to say the least, delighted to read this update because that was exactly what i felt. Because of my personal vendetta for the prince and the princess and the system of Kingdom, i hated everything about this wedding and everything that this wedding represented.

Real weddings aren't supposed to be this lavish or extraordinary because it makes "non royal peasants" like me feel inferior and crappy. And i can confidently predict that when the time comes, Bilawal Zardari will try to one up Prince William by getting married in a more Royal and Lavish way, just because he can on our money. And this won’t just stop here, all the remaining Kingdoms in the world would follow this tradition of Royal Weddings as well and that too on the expense of their people.  

The media seems to have conveniently forgotten that the last high profiled Royal Wedding ended in a divorce, with one partner dying a tragic death and the other one ended up marrying an ugly old chimp. The Royal wedding getting a chunk of coverage from the BBC and other UK based news channels was understandable but seeing our media going head over heels for the same was beyond comprehension. Why should we publicly accept the fact that we are lame and have nothing better to do with our on air time and space. Would anyone our National or otherwise events ever receive the same on air importance in the UK? Sadly the only royal treatment that we as Pakistanis could ever get is a Royal tongue lashing or the privileged of getting royally fu**ed.

A Legend Living No More

I just cannot believe it, its something not worth believing, how can this be? Moin Akhter Sahab is no more. Innalillah-e-wa-ina-ilaihay- rajaioon. Rest in peace Moin Sahab. You were way, way ahead of your time and you left the classy element of the entertainment industry orphaned, way, way before you ever should have. I am in no way doubting or questioning god's judgement but it hurts, it really does and hurts makes you complain and question.

I am asking myself only one question, why do the corrupt politicians get to live long lavish lives and people like Moin Akhter leave us so soon? Unlike the lot of current, corrupt politicians, the life of Moin Sahab mattered to so many people. He was the beacon of light for so many artists both struggling and established. Like so many others members of my generation, i too grew up watching the marvelous acts of Moin Akhter and every time i saw him on screen i instinctively knew that it was something good, something classy, and something worth watching. Whether it was a show where he was carrying the responsibility of anchoring, a drama serial or a talk show, Moin Akhter made it worth watching.

2011 has already been a devastating year for the entire world with the earthquakes and the tsunami, and nature chose 22nd April to deliver another fatal blow to Pakistan in the form of taking away Moin Akhter. But i would like to point of another tragedy in the making known as Anwer Maqsood. Anwer Maqsood and Moin Akhter were like the two sides of a coin, inseparable in every aspect. I don't know how Anwer Maqsood Sahab will cope with the sad demise of his beloved but i do know one thing, special attention needs to be diverted towards Anwer Maqsood before god forbid, we lose him too. I know that he is among the fortunate few people that knew Moin Akhter up-close and personal and that is why he is among the few that will suffer the full impact of this tragedy.     

I pray to Almighty that he grants Moin Akhter with the highest rewards for the good deeds done by him in his lifetime. Rest in Peace Moin Sahab, you might be gone, but you will never be forgotten.

My Only Real Friend, The Spammer

Is it just me or are the email spammers getting dumber by the minute. I have a couple of sincere, simple requests for all the spammers out there, "Get Creative or Get the Hell out of the Spamming Business. I know it sounds harsh after so many years of our "Virtual Friendship" and I acknowledge and thank you all for your sincere efforts to keep me company during my gloomy days. But since you have started to act clumsy and careless with you job, I feel it’s my duty to get you back on the track. And to prove my point, here's exhibit A of your not so intelligent efforts:

I got this exciting email from you today informing me that you have some vacancies at your US office and you would like to hire me for my services. Surprisingly enough, my expertise do not match your requirements but you insist on hiring me anyways just because you like me that much, so here is the email that I got and I will be pointing out the errors of your ways all the way through, my comments and recommendations are included in this pic:

Image of the email that i received and my suggestions for my real friend

So here we are with nothing but an awkward silence between us, see what happens when you are not careful with your words and end up hurting an old acquaintance.

This is what Marathon had to say about your offer of employment

Do you have any idea how much this hurts, i trusted you man, i only trusted you. Why dear spammer, why? you were there for me when i needed a pick me up by telling me that i had won a gazillion pounds, dollars euros, yen etc. You regularly offer to mail me a hot Russian bride even though you know that i am married with 3 kids, you are worried about my "smallness" and offer me inches and inches of manhood everyday nonstop. Sometimes you even offer me cheap medicines for the bedroom because you know that i am no good at that thing, and since i am poor i cannot afford the same medicine at full price.You offer to refinance my home(you care so much that it doesn't even bother you that i do not live in USA), get rid of my credit card debt(even though i have no credit cards), offer me free passes to Porn(i would really like to thank you for that), offer my fat ass various "proven" methods of weight loss and anti virus for my computer. Its these little things about you that i like so much and that is why i cherish our friendship.

After having done so much for me why did you send me false hope about moving to USA and working at Marathon? Why did you make these silly mistakes? is there a cryptic message somewhere in there that you want me to decipher? Please tell me that there is so i can start to trust you again. I know that you will not answer any of my questions but instead will continue to send me fantastic, once in a lifetime offers that could turn my life around. And you will do all this because you care for me, you have cared the crap out of me Dear Spammer.