The Diabolical Diaper

It has been a little more than 3 years since god graciously awarded me the status of being a father, a care taker and a mentor. The first attempt of me trying to be a dad fetched me a wonderful package of love, cuteness and heavenly blessings in the form of a daughter and i think because somehow i managed to do an OK job with loving, caring for and raising her i caught god's attention and he decided to give me a bonus for doing my job in the form of twins, a boy and a girl. The twins are now 14 months old and are more than a handful but i would not have it any other way since the joy they have brought me compares with nothing, absolutely nothing that the world has to offer partially or in its entirety.

During my time as a father i observed that the ridiculously expensive side of being a father is buying diapers, worrying about diapers and arranging for a back up stock all the time. It would not be wrong on any level to say that the diaper industry is shitty business, your pay every time your kid takes a dump or leak. Who knew you can earn from shit produced by kids but the diabolical diaper people are making a fortune off of it the world over.

Sadly enough as with every other necessity and luxury coined as necessity the price of diapers too has skyrocketed over the years and i am left with this thought occupying my mind every time i see my kids making funny and weird faces during their poo process, man their shit is getting expensive and its my money practically going down the drain and i am left to watch it nay endure it every time, over and over again. Come to think of it, i am taking a butt lot of shit from my boss to earn a living only to spent it on my kids who only give a crap about it in return.

In the old days it was a joy and an achievement to see your kids getting potty trained but now it has become a financial necessity too to get them off the damn diaper and on to the potty since its getting harder for me by the minute to afford their crap, no pun intended. The strange thing is that it seems like kids are hooked on diapers, i mean my wife uses cloth home made diapers too but the darn kids refuse to deposit their business in it but as soon as she puts a diaper on them they start delivering and man can they deliver. Well i can take some solace in the fact that they fill the diaper all the way up to its limits leaving me with a sense of money well spent or Paisa Wasool.

Now coming on to the modus operandi of the diaper manufacturers, they make all sort of nice ads, sometimes offering humanitarian aid along the way, some what colorful packaging and all sorts of benefits, catchy names and what not only to encourage the consumer to buy their made to handle shit product, that's right, there is no nicer of way saying it or putting it in any other words. They also offer ass wipes with a in your face attitude, keep wiping not only your kid's behind but also your money. The ass wipes might make my babies behind as soft as a baby's behind but for me they are like sand papers, coarse and unforgiving.

The brand of diapers that i buy are named Pearl, now if that's not adding insult to injury i don't know what is. A pearl does not and will never contain human feces so why is it named so? I can come up with no other rubbing it my face reason except for because for them it contains the earning potential of a real pearl.

I would like to warn the diaper manufacturers of the dire consequences if they do not take it easy on middle class working Joes like me and reduce prices of the poo holding devices known as diapers manufactured and proudly marketed by them through the lyrics of the song sung by sting because well it stings, my warning should not be taken lightly and it reads as follows:

Every dump my kids take
Every poo they make
Every single day
Every time i pay
I'll be cursing you, diaper jerks

Zardari Demotivational Pics

Following are some of my half hearted, semi intelligent attempts at seeing the humor in the devastating situation and chain of events surrounding us because of our half assed understanding to demand "freedom" for stupid behavioral antics both as a nation and as an individual . I hope we can find a route of escape from the harsh reality looking us right in our eyes, everyday taunting us, challenging us, by saying " Bite Me"

Bosses and their Types

Just got this in a forwarded email and found it worth sharing

The Climber

The Social Director

Our Hero

The Hatchet Man

The Propeller Head

The Lost Lamb

The Visionary

The Bureaucrat

The Fogey

The Dictator

Fresh from the cellar

There is a lot of hoo hah over the president's latest visit to UK and France. My sources have managed to get the inside scoop of what really went on during the official talks between our President and the Prime minister of UK. The following transcript details the conversation between Cameron and Zardari:

Cameron: Welcome to UK Mr President, i hope you enjoy your stay here
Zardari: Show me the money

Cameron: Mr President, Pakistan needs to stop supporting terrorists and what not
Zardari: I love the smell of freshly printed money

Cameron: Mr President, we are aware of the flood devastation and we will do everything to help Pakistan
Zardari: Oh yes flood, need lots of money, lots and lots of money to launch Bilawal

Cameron: Mr President, we need to be sure that the aid will not be misused.
Zardari: Benazir was murdered and you are worried about the aid being misused, if she would have been alive today, there would be no flood to begin with

Cameron: I understand your feelings but...
Zardari: Pound Khappay, Euro Khappay, Dollar Khappay

Cameron: I am sorry, i did not get that
Zardari: My children are without a mother, i was in the jail for eleven long years, i need the money

Cameron: But what does that have to do with Pakistan's current scenario?
Zardari: Money, money money, must be funny, in the rich man's world

Cameron: Mr president, i want you to know that i firmly stand by what i said while i was in India
Zardari: Who gives a shit, give me the money

Cameron: Mr President, we will need to make sure that the aid reaches the flood affected people and does not get looted
Zardari: Our soldiers and people of Pakistan are dying everyday in the war on terror and i am not getting enough money for it, no system only free money

Cameron: Mr President, the people of Pakistan are dying without proper, food shelter and basic necessities and you are here enjoying a vacation?
Zardari: To make money you need to spend some money and i am here spending Pakistan's money to make some money for myself, whats wrong with that?

Cameron: Ok Mr President, happy independence day in advance
Zardari: Thank you, It has been like two something years and i was thinking of getting married again, what do you think about me and Sarah Palin?

Cameron: No, I meant Pakistan's Independence day
Zardari: Pakistan Independent!!!, yeah right

Candidate from Hell

If I was to honestly answer all the HR questions asked during an interview i imagine it would go something like this:

(The characters and events depicted in this article are fictional except for me being genuinely awesome, and any resemblance to persons living, dead, or fictional or situations past, present, or fictional is purely and completely coincidental.)

Q1) Why did you apply for this job?

(This question pissed me off because it fails to make sense to me plus the HR guy was kind of giving me attitude and consequently i was fuming the entire time during my interview)

My Reply: Were you born stupid or life did this to you? Obviously i want to earn big bucks that's why i am here, jackass.

Q2) Why do you want to work for this company?

My Reply: Because i am awesome and i want to give a once in a life time opportunity to this particular company to be awesome by extension

Q3) Why should I hire you?

My Reply: What kind of a retarded, redundant question is this, didn't you hear me answer your previous question

Q4) What would you do if we hire you?

My Reply: Sit on my ass and look dashing all day, talk the talk and avoid any actual work, indulge in politics full time, create chaos and havoc amongst other employees, demoralize and harass them and make them feel insecure about their abilities and doubt their existence etc etc

Q5) What is your biggest strength?

My Reply: My Biceps pumping max power into my wrist while serving a five knuckle sandwich to jokers like you whenever they open their stinking Mithai hole

Q6) What is your biggest weakness?

My Reply: A swift kick to my nut sack

Q7) What was your worst mistake, and how did you learn from it?

My Reply: Coming here today for an interview, and i learned that buffoons like you should always be kept away from society

Q8) What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of?

My Reply: Made my boss cry on more than one occasions

Q9) Describe a challenge you faced and how you overcame it?

My Reply: I was required to work 9 hours a day, 5 days a week. I messed up the entire attendance system so i only worked 7 hours a day and the system marked my working hours as 10

Q10) Why did you leave/ are you leaving your last job?

My Reply: Company no longer allows me the freedom to work naked and according to the female employees this has made their lives a living hell

Q11) What do you want from this job?

My Reply: The less i work the more respect, appreciation and financial rewards i get

Q12) What are your career goals and how do you plan to achieve them?

My Reply: Looking forward to being the C.E.O of the company i work for and for that will do everything to inflict pain and stress on the current CEO until he suffers a life ending stroke or goes insane, whichever happens first

Q13) How Did you hear of our company and what do you know of us?

My Reply: I heard about the CEO being a good humanitarian and decided to misuse his goodness for my personal agendas

Q14) What is the salary expected and how do you justify that?

My Reply: Well me being born awesome is more than enough to render the justification argument invalid and since no amount of money compares to how epic I am, i can consider letting your company hire a legendary figure such as myself, if the company agrees to make me a partner in profit only and agrees to bear the burden of loss by itself.

In my mind i imagine i got the job and after sometime replaced the current CEO and then lived happily ever after and oh yes after my interview was over the HR guy had this look of astonishment and amazement kind of like he was shocked, lost or something so i bitch slapped him a couple of times thus ending his pathetic little existence.

Dear John

Advice given by a Man's Man



 This is a perfect example of Men and their extra ordinary, sometimes abnormal love for their cars and everything involving an engine and engineering