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I Do Not Believe!!!

Another Day, Another Blunder, this best describes the events that unfolded last night at PAF Faisal Base. I don’t care about the nationality of the cursed terrorist nor do I care about their motives. However, what I do care about is the fact that this was the 4^th direct attack on one of the branches of the institution that is responsible to uphold our national integrity and protect us from our enemies. Since my childhood I have been told that India is our enemy and our Army, Navy and Air force is here to stop them and protect me from their evil deeds. All my life I have believed in this notion no matter what the situation was. 

I believed in this notion despite the fact that I saw my children being shoved in a cramped school van and I saw “their” children going to school comfortably in large army trucks. I believed in this notion despite the fact that I saw my wife travelling like an animal in a minibus and I saw “their” wives comfortably commuting in a luxury vehicle with a security squad. I believed in this notion despite the fact that I saw people dying miserably in government hospitals and I saw “them” going abroad to get pills for erectile dysfunctions. I believed in this notion despite the fact that I counted my money while earning it and before and after spending it and I never saw “them” present their budgets in the parliament or assembly.

I believed in this notion despite the fact that I travel on a motor bike and I see “them” traveling in nothing less than a Pajero or Land Cruiser. I believed in this notion despite the fact that I paid taxes and Sales tax on everything and I saw “them” buying subsidized food that was Sales tax free. I believed in this notion despite the fact that I was stuck in this scorching heat, because of V.I.P movement,  with my daughter pleading me to get her away from the sun and I saw “them” comfortably sitting in their high priced, imported, air conditioned cars accompanied by an entourage of security vehicles. I believed in this notion despite the fact that most Pakistani’s do not have their own roof over their heads and I saw “them” get plots, apartments and bungalows, absolutely free from DHA, before and after retiring.

I believed in this notion despite the fact that people are dying on the streets without committing any crimes and I saw “them” spent billions of rupees on their own security. I believed in this notion despite the fact innocent civilians are dying in suicide attacks and I had seen “them” creating those same suicide bombers 20 years ago. I believed in this notion despite the fact that I have to suffer through load shedding, street crimes, merciless inflation, no health care, absolute ridicule and I saw "them" get 60% share in the National Budget. I believed in this notion despite the fact that now no country allows my work or immigration visas and I saw “them” traveling on a British passport. I believed in this notion despite the fact that "they" are responsible for my security and I saw “them” protecting  “National Interests”.

I believed in this notion despite the fact that the entire Hotel Mehran road was closed because the “chief” was in the guest house. I believed in this notion despite the fact that they let the bald devil go free when instead he should have been hanged for good. I believed in this notion despite the fact that they allowed every corrupt soul back into Pakistan, absolutely guilt free with all their previous criminal records erased. I believed in this notion despite the fact that we agreed to let Raymond Davis go free. I believed in this notion despite the fact that Osama was found hiding in Pakistan.

I believed in this notion despite the fact that most of the most wanted people were able to score a safe haven in Pakistan. I believed in this notion not because I feared that I might be labeled as a traitor for speaking against “them” but because I truly believed in this “institution” and its abilities. 

But now, I refuse to buy it, and I choose not to believe in it. You knew very well that the C.I.A/RAW/Mossad/TTP/Al-Qaeda/Any Other Secret Agencies were up to no good, and yet you continued to sleep. Even after three consecutive attacks in the same month, you still chose to hit the snooze button and pretend as if nothing has happened. Now it’s your turn to believe and get disappointed in the end. You can still choose to believe that your are fooling the nation and continue on with the loot and plunder but the reality is that the end is near, nearer than you actually anticipated.

Porn Really is Everywhere!

So, word on the street is that Osama had a little collection of porn hidden away in the compound/fortress. Well it makes sense, he had to watch something exciting besides watching himself on the TV and as luck would have it, the anchors and newscasters on Al-Jazeera are far away from being labeled as "eye candy". They have yet to disclose the particular category of porn found stashed away in the compound, but we can safely assume that it belonged to either one of the Bestiality, Old people, Gay or Rough category.

Now I know that people will say that it’s all cheap propaganda to defame an already notorious character but let’s not forget that OBL was human after all. He too had needs and greeds. And since he was on a self proclaimed, self righteous holy mission, he had holy urges to procreate little Osamas that would in turn frantically run around threatening to behead anything that moved. But alas, his dreams never saw the dawn of reality and his wives refused to raise little Osamas as warrior prince. This fact is evident from the will disclosed by the Kuwaiti newspaper in which Osama orders his sons to stay the hell away from Al-Qaeda, just to save face. 

There is one more thing that fascinates me more than anything. It is revealed that he was hiding in this compound for the past 5 years and during those years he never once left the compound or went out. It’s simply amazing to know this because he had three wives in the compound so it’s three times the nagging and the complaining about “You never take me out” or “We were so outgoing during the time we spent in Afghanistan hiking and mountaineering etc”. If Osama has to be respected about something it has to be this amazing control over his wives. My god, I can’t even imagine the luxury of not going out and not being nagged crazy, continuously about it. I salute you Osama for this achievement, and well, for being able to hide your porn from three wives simultaneously. You really were a hide and seek champion from 1998 - 2011.   

For Every SON, there is a MOM

Ma, Mom, Mother, Mai, Moi, Maaji, and under special circumstances General Ammi are some of the numerous titles by which I dare to address my most respected after God, Mom.

Ma, thank you for not letting me turn out to be captain imbecile, thanks for keeping me disciplined and most of all thanks for being the galaxy’s greatest mom. You are a natural and transcendental leader, the embodiment of compassion and a towering structure of care and I consider myself the luckiest joe alive only because I get to call you MA.

Mom if it wasn’t for you I would’ve turned out to be a pampered, spoiled, good for nothing, absolutely useless brat (thanks to dad). It was you who threatened to smack the chap off my lips, beat the stupid out of me, punish the mischief off my evil mind, and let me tell you ma, your threats worked. I was stark raving scared of you and your super powers. Powers such as the ability to read my mind, to see into my soul through my eyes, to anticipate my next atrocity and always stopping me dead right in my tracks before I could actually perpetrate anything. No matter how good a plan I made, you were and still are always a step ahead of me.

Mother, it’s because of you that my life is a never ending vortex of awesomeness, coupled with greatness and ubercool. Thank you for allowing me to bask in your glory, feel protected under your gratifying shadow and for teaching me how to live life in a way that’s both legendary and inspiring. Sadly i have not managed to live up to your expectations because of my refusal to listen to you.

Mai, it still fascinates me how you are always able to hit the bulls eye just by looking at me. You are able to accurately predict the temperature of my fever without even using a thermometer, you know when I am depressed or worried regardless of the huge smile on my face, and you know my next move without me explaining you the complete scenario. This is something above and beyond telepathy, a human WIFI, 4G, Bluetooth connection with you being the server machine and me being the workstation, nothing I do is outside of your knowledge and i am always protected from outside intrusions, viruses and attacks by your firewall.

Moi, I have you to save me from the wrath of God, but i can have no one to save me from your wrath if I decide to be a complete loser by disrespecting, dishonoring and hurting your feelings. I am a firm believer that Paradise lies underneath your feet and I think it’s because of the fact that Almighty wanted Paradise to know that it is not the greatest creation created by him and so he placed it under your feet and secondly Almighty wanted you to know your greatness, the height of your status. Not only did he place it under your feet but gave you complete authority over who gets to enter and not. Moi over the years I have asked you for everything and I beg you, please when it comes to handing me the keys to Paradise do not hesitate and remember my wrong doings and deny me entrance.

General Ammi, i also believe that the cursed devil would have had a chance of being forgiven on the day of judgment if only he had a General Ammi to pray for him, but come to think of it, if he had a General Ammi he would never have gone astray and as a result gotten damned till eternity. His General Ammi would have immediately knocked some sense into his egomaniac brain and he would have gladly bowed down.

Maaji, i would like to let you know that i refuse to let you off the hook, i am your liability now and will forever be one. You need to figure out a way to care for me, help me, protect and rescue me whenever i get into trouble with people, situations or even God. Ma i sincerely, regularly and with all my heart pray for you to get a long, healthy and prosperous life but please make yourself available whenever i need you, even from your grave and beyond it from the other realm because i am sure you can do that, being a maaji and all.

To wrap my speech in your honor, i would like to add that your prayers are the wings that give me flight, your blessings act as a shield and cover and hide my shortcomings, errors and mistakes, and if ever the world respects me for me it would be because i respected you for you. Thank you Ma, seriously and sincerely for everything; for giving me life, for bringing me into this world, raising me with utmost love and care and looking after me till today and for the rest of my life. I owe my life to you, i owe everything awesome to you, you are my mom and i am your son, that would not change even if i get to live a 100 years, I'd still be your little boy.

Advertising Gone Horribly Wrong

The advertising business in Pakistan has hit a new low. First we saw the ad for “Chaika”, then came the ad for “Pakola Tea Milk” and now Olivia cream bleach hits rock bottom. I am simply amazed at the workings of the "creative" minds behind the ad for Olivia cream bleach, why on earth would anyone willingly ridicule their product by casting someone like Mathira in their ad and asking her to be their brand ambassador. Its like opening the Pandora's box of crap, the crap will engulf as all.

There are a few reasons because of which i would like to see someone punching Mathira square in her pie hole. To start off, she speaks Urdu like a super moronic alien and she is dark skinned at best, and this does not nearly qualify her to be a spokesperson for a fairness bleach cream. Secondly, she has a dreadful accent that is a mix of Pashto and gibberish, and an even more dreadfully notorious personality, best suited for c, d, e grade Tamil or Telegu movies. Thirdly, she is despised by the women viewers because of her on air shenanigans. And last but not the least, the majority of her male fan following consists of perverted pervy weirdos that are obsessed with the thought of doing the nasty to her, (some of them have even openly expressed their unholy desires by calling her live show) regardless of the fact that she uses Olivia or not.

There are two versions of the same ad on air, one with Mathira and the other with some other model. I have noticed one thing in particular that both these versions are being aired only on cable and not on satellite channels. I guess the geniuses knew that Mathira wasn't satellite material but the same people who realized this obvious fact failed to comprehend that their target audience is lower middle class women, the same women that have seen Mathira doing her cheap, vulgar high jinks live on Vibetv and because of which they are anxiously waiting to try her as a human punching bag.

I understand that money is tight and every company wants to save money, but is it really worth it to take the cheap way out? Olivia had the budget to make two versions of the same ad with two different models so why didn't they combine the budget and opt for a classy showpiece instead of a ridiculously sadistic knockoff. I cannot think of a logical reason for this crime against creativity and thus I am forced to attribute this disaster to the dreaded casting couch. It's a slap across every models face that they now have to compete with the likes of Mathira by stepping down, way down from their high horses into the dirt. Well ladies, let me take this opportunity to welcome you, Welcome to Rock Bottom, I hope you are comfortable with Mathira as your neighbor.

Hell Called, Your Place is Reserved

Finally some glad tidings, Osama Dustbin Unladen has been officially laid to rest. Good riddance, the world now has one less A-Quality, Fanatic, A-hole to deal with. But it would have been better for Pakistan if his ass wasn’t bombed in Pakistan. What now awaits us is a new wave of finger pointing, endless whining and the nonstop strings of told you sos from the rest of the countries in the world especially the expert in mind numbing whining and nagging, India.

The TTP has obviously denounced the death of their sugar daddy similarly as they did when the crap was blown out of their illegitimate dad Baitullah Mehsud. The high level intelligence officials in Pakistan too are keeping their mouths firmly shut in fear of not getting more funds to loot and plunder. The government officials have chose not to utter a single statement on this issue fearing being publicly and permanently tattooed as America’s Bitch and the army too is hiding behind covers fearing attacks on their buses and convoys.

Mr Obama told the press that he got in touch with the President of Pakistan before this operation and “informed” him about the events about to unfold. That’s mighty great of Mr Obama to “inform” us before hand. I believe the conversation went something like this:

Obama: Yo Zardari, what up?
Zardari: Nuffin much, just chillin, relaxin, corruptin
Obama: Dude, I called for some serious shit, we found Bin Laden, he’s in Pakistan
Zardari: OMG Really, you aren’t fu**ing with me, are you?
Obama: No man I am serious, we found him dead in Afghanistan, bought his body to Pakistan and now we are about to launch an operation to kill his dead body. You down with that?
Zardari: Man, why did you kill him, he was the reason we was getting all the security, protocol and everything.
Obama: Dude, elections are coming up in 2012, this time a video message wasn’t enough to guarantee my win and his satellite phone bills were getting ridiculously high, plus he was making unreasonable demands like attending the royal wedding and shit.
Zardari: what about the reward you guys were offering, whose gonna get that reward?
Obama: Man, stop talkin about money, you’ll get your share
Zardari: Ok then, I am ready to get jiggy with it
Obama: Tell Kiyani and others to co-operate or else I will unleash Petraeus on their asses.
Zardari: Ok, but they were asking for an increase in the defense budget
Obama: Man, they can have their hike in budget, Aiman and Omar are there to keep the threats real. I am about to pop open a bottle of champagne, I don’t have time to discuss this shit now. Watch me on the TV, I am about to address my peeps, just hired a new stylist, tell me how I look
Zardari: Dude, you always look good, If you were a women and white I swear I would be all over you

Obama: Man, don’t say all that, Wiki might be hearing, ok then later dude.

Update:

I got some criticism from some of my readers telling me that my behavior was not appropriate towards the death of a fellow "Muslim". Well, if that is the case than i choose to mourn the death of Saif-ul-Islam Gadhhafi. Even though he is accused of misuse of and getting drunken with power, atleast he did not malign islam, his actions did not make life a living hell for muslims all over the world and he did not lead astray an entire generation of what could have been some of the greatest minds of the muslim world.