Programmed Excuses

Here are the top 25 excuses used by programmers, developed by programmers for the programmers.

1. Strange..., i took care of it already
   
2. It works fine on my machine.
3. I've never heard about that, must be a new technological innovation.
4. I swear it worked yesterday.
5. Well, nothing's perfect, so what if the program needs some fixing?.
6. How is this possible? Eureka, its a new discovery.
7. The machine seems to be broken, please order a new one.
8. Has the operating system been updated? (If the answer is in affirmative then the reply by the programmer always is "I told you not to let it update" and vice versa if the answer is in negative.
9. The ignorant user does not know how to use this and that has caused an error again.
10. The test data is not what it's supposed to be.
11. I did not develop that module! Check with the new guy.
12. Yes of course, the deadline will be met.
13. You have the wrong executable, again.
14. Oh, that is a feature i incorporated, not a bug.
15. It's almost as ready as it was 2 weeks ago.
16. I just have to do these small fixes, no biggies
17. It will be done in no time at all, don't you worry about a thing
18. It's just some bad mojo or unlucky coincidence, nothing wrong with the code.
19. I can't test everything, can i?
20. THIS will never do THAT.
21. Didn't I fix it already? Damn my memory is getting worse under too much work load.
22. I am already finished with that, all that remains is the testing.
23. It works here, not too sure about the live environment, needs more testing.
24. Somebody must have messed with my code.
25. There is a virus in the application software which causes malfunction.

Mother Road

As i walk on the road of life heading towards my unknown destination predefined in the books of destiny, i can't help but wonder where are we heading as a nation? I mean we are a nation of people who are unnaturally attracted towards the road itself and the least bit bothered about the destination. Our fascination and fixation with the road began as soon as we chose to travel on the road to freedom in the August of 1947.

With the passage of time a sad road centric culture has unfortunately developed in our country. For example we record our protest on the road, we celebrate on the road, we take our frustrations out on the road, we express anger on the road, we throw garbage on the road, we spit on the road, we use the road as a latrine, we pray on the road, we burn tires and vehicles on the road, we fight on the road, we hold naming ceremonies for the road as if it was our own child, we rename the road as per our requirements, we rally on the road, we use the road as an income generating machine by digging and rebuilding it, we express joy on the road and often we use the road to travel from point A to B.

For us the road to happiness is the road itself, for our political parties the worst case scenario is having no M.A Jinnah Road to lead a protesting mob, for our small business owners the road provides ample opportunities to encroach and establish a business, for our police men the road provides for them "Bhatta" from the "Theas" and public transport buses, for the beggars a good spot on the road means a handsome monthly tax free income, for the homeless the road provides shelter, for the hungry the road has enough food to feed them and for our leaders the road is a perfect place to lie, cheat and steal.
 
Come to think of it the road is very much like our mother, it provides food, clothing and shelter for us and loves us unconditionally and we in-turn show our gratitude by hurting and destroying it whenever we feel like doing so similarly like we treat our real mother's. I hope our fascination with the road ends soon so we can focus and concentrate our energy on the things which are more important than using the road for our own demented personal objectives.

Funny People

Today i was stuck in a terribly bad traffic jam at Tibet Centre for about a painful hour or so.  Since i had nothing else to do besides inhaling toxic fumes coming from the buses, listening to the god-awful, psychologically torturing noise coming from the rickshaws and noticing how motorcycle riders will do anything to get passed the traffic jam by using the footpath as the 4th lane of traffic or by being a nuisance zigzagging in front of other cars, i diverted my attention from the fact that no matter what i do i will never get this hour of my life back which i spent slow poisoning myself by observing the doings of the people around me.

As i looked around searching and scanning the proximity for anything remotely interesting besides the Rickshaw driver next to me putting his hand under his kameez and enjoying the sensation of scratching his sweaty armpits and right after eating a samosa with the same hand, i noticed some commotion coming from a mini bus. A mini bus as we all know is always at the heart of exciting and intriguing chain of events so naturally i too rose from my seat to investigate the happenings currently under way in or should i say on the mini bus.

What i saw next was of course filled with irony but was also funny like nothing i had seen in the past couple of years. Two guys sitting on the roof of the mini bus had gotten into a fight and the rest of the roof dwellers were trying their best to stop them but were also trying their best to avoid falling off from the roof of the mini bus, which could later be reported by the leading news channels as synchronized failed suicide attempt by a group of people. The two guys both were in a very awkward position because of the limited availability of space and safety measures provided by the owner of the minibus so they were busy fighting while laying down in a fetal position both holding on to the legs of the other street fighting artist.

In the meanwhile the verbal battle continued on ferociously and i lost count of the women mentioned by name or by relation. When the roof crowd gave up on their efforts to stop the brawl, the driver had to get involved by standing on the entrance by which he enters the driving area and he started trying to somehow separate the two young guns from making a mockery of the sacred roof top of the minibus but he too failed to break the bond of anger and revenge between the two passengers from hell.

This went on for sometime and eventually two Rangers appeared from their mobile which was also stuck in the traffic jam and did the thing for which they are famous for. One ranger pulled the driver down, got up on the entrance and smacked both of the fighters silly. While the other ranger got on top of the roof and brought the guys down by their collars. Things would have gotten more interesting but sadly the traffic started moving and the rangers let them off the hook by giving stringent warnings and lecturing them about the code of conduct while traveling on the roof of a moving vehicle.

I have no doubt in my mind that something like this could only happen in Pakistan, not because of the people happily traveling on the roof of a public transport vehicle and paying the conductor to degrade them, i have seen similar scenes in India where people commute via a train's rooftop but a fight on the roof is our monopoly, only we are this fearless, no other nation or country compares or comes remotely close.

Long live Pakistan, the land of Fierce, Fearless Hearts and long live our transport system for giving a platform to our star fighters to make their debut Nationally .(no pun or sarcasm intended, i seriously mean it)

Death Detergent

A while back I read or heard someone say "Death is only the beginning" and I had trouble understanding this theory. But as time passed not only did I start understanding but I also started to agree with this philosophical statement. Case in point the recent murder of a famous political figure in London, I am not naming names well for obvious reasons, number 1 I like to be alive and number 2, I would like to continue living in Karachi since I do not have dual nationality.

The modern judicial system of our world can be summarized in just one sentence, "Innocent until proven guilty" but what about the people who chose not to face the allegations laid against them in the court of law and instead opted to hide and take exile in some foreign country? Shouldn’t the verdict be then, "Guilty until proven innocent"? I wouldn't be writing this piece of text is the deceased had chosen to face all the allegations laid against him in the court of law, cleared his name and then opted to take exile or did whatever he wanted to do with his life. I am not saying or implying that the deceased was rightly accused for all the things written in his charge sheet but again only if he had decided to rid his good name of all those charges he would have received a lot more applauses and titles during his lifetime not only from his own political party but from his rival political figures too.  

Sadly like with many other non sense making elements being forcefully embedded in our society and social culture death is fast becoming an easy shortcut for many to get their name embellished in gold and cover all the traces of the despicable deeds committed by them, if any, during their life time. 

The recent London incident goes to prove that Death is the best detergent available to wash away all the stains of corruption, lawlessness and all the other brands of crime. This isn't the first time that death has intervened and cleared someone of his/her deeds by taking away the soul and leaving the mortal body to rot in the grave. Rehman Dacoit is still remembered by many as the modern day Pakistani Robin Hood. If he had been successfully apprehended and produced before the judiciary and then handed the punishment for his wrong doings this Robin Hood and Savior status could have been prevented from going to him and consequently many youths who now idolize him and want to be like him would have seen the other side of the coin. Eventually every one of us has to die and face our maker but I hope my life would itself prove enough to uphold my name long after I have been buried and made food for the grave critters. I wouldn't want to live a life of crime and wait for my unfortunate demise and then be called a "Shaheed" for reasons unknown to everybody.

Once again I will take a famous slogan of a famous brand of detergent and use it for my own good by twisting it into saying, "Death to achi hoti hai".

Eid Mubarak

Farewell Ramazan Kareem, a time of abstinence, a time of refrain, a time for divine blessings and a time of receiving joy and bounties, farewell. It's time for Eid now, the time to smile, be happy and the time to let the happiness shine through. I would like to specially convery Eid greetings to the flood IDP's and the brave mother of the two brothers of Sialkot who are now a symbol of human brutality and mob cowardliness. The news of the perpetrators of this heinous crime being successfully apprehended and convicted brings some much needed joy on this otherwise flood drenched Eid.

This Eid is not like the previous eids celebrated by us us a nation and as muslim's. Back in 2005 we found the courage to halt all festivities in honor and in favor of the Earth Quake victims and effectees and this year we will show complete solidarity sharing the same sentiments for our flood affected brothers and sisters. Knowing that the nation is wholeheartedly participating in helping the victims is in fact Eid in itself. Congratulation Pakistan and Pakistanis for showing the world, shutting them up and ending all speculations about us being a divided and patriotically dead herd of sheep rather than a nation. We are a nation and will insha ALLAH remain a proud, mentally, ethically, morally and religiously glued nation. Let us also hope that this eid somehow brings another miracle with itself, a miracle which will cure our corruption plagued leaders, will end all political bigotry and will also end the epic but utter rubbish cat-fight between the judiciary and the government.

Suicide Blogger

Have you ever thought about what would happen if bloggers were brainwashed into becoming extremist, fundamentalist terrorist's?.What harm, pain and suffering would they be able to inflict on the common man and to what extent? Now using or misusing various modern day acronyms i will try to paint a scenario where blogs and bloggers are humanity's worst nightmare and are considered to be public enemy number 1:

A News Caster on CNN breaking the following news:
TBP = Tehreek-e-Bloggeraan Pakistan an offshoot of Afghani Bloggers claims responsibility for the deadly verbal attack in Karachi.

President Bush vows to take a strong stance against the Axis of Adjectives

The CIA submits its reports on finding Sentences of mass destruction in Iraq to the Congress

We fear that Noun Weapons and Verb Bombs could fall into the wrong blogger's hands in Pakistan: President Obama

Saddam Hussain has warned that if America decides to invade Iraq, it would take him just one click to update his blog and unleash the fury via RSS feeds

According to our overseas correspondent in Afghanistan Wordpress Umar is the spiritual commander of the Afghan Bloggers and Blogspot Mehsud is the leader of Tehreek-e-Bloggeraan Pakistan both sharing a common bond and love of a mutual target, to beat the infidel's blog in back links and securing the top spot in search results

Al-Qontent is the extremist element in the ranks of the Afghan bloggers which is held responsible for the epic demise of the fundamentalist afghan blogger regime. Al-Qontent is accused for carrying out various Black Hat SEO techniques on numerous blogs causing the Page Rank of the said blogs to tumble down: APP Sources

Osama dustbin Laden is the chief blogger and Ayman az Zawahiri is the official editor and proof reader of Al-Qontent

The captured blogger has disclosed valuable information regarding his training as a Suicide Blogger, when asked about the training he said, during my training i was taught how to use alphabets to assemble words and sentences and how to use them in a deadly and ferocious way to cause maximum psychological damage whenever the text comes in contact with the human eyes and as well as physical damage through paper cuts if someone was to print my block of text on a piece of paper.

The Diabolical Diaper

It has been a little more than 3 years since god graciously awarded me the status of being a father, a care taker and a mentor. The first attempt of me trying to be a dad fetched me a wonderful package of love, cuteness and heavenly blessings in the form of a daughter and i think because somehow i managed to do an OK job with loving, caring for and raising her i caught god's attention and he decided to give me a bonus for doing my job in the form of twins, a boy and a girl. The twins are now 14 months old and are more than a handful but i would not have it any other way since the joy they have brought me compares with nothing, absolutely nothing that the world has to offer partially or in its entirety.

During my time as a father i observed that the ridiculously expensive side of being a father is buying diapers, worrying about diapers and arranging for a back up stock all the time. It would not be wrong on any level to say that the diaper industry is shitty business, your pay every time your kid takes a dump or leak. Who knew you can earn from shit produced by kids but the diabolical diaper people are making a fortune off of it the world over.

Sadly enough as with every other necessity and luxury coined as necessity the price of diapers too has skyrocketed over the years and i am left with this thought occupying my mind every time i see my kids making funny and weird faces during their poo process, man their shit is getting expensive and its my money practically going down the drain and i am left to watch it nay endure it every time, over and over again. Come to think of it, i am taking a butt lot of shit from my boss to earn a living only to spent it on my kids who only give a crap about it in return.

In the old days it was a joy and an achievement to see your kids getting potty trained but now it has become a financial necessity too to get them off the damn diaper and on to the potty since its getting harder for me by the minute to afford their crap, no pun intended. The strange thing is that it seems like kids are hooked on diapers, i mean my wife uses cloth home made diapers too but the darn kids refuse to deposit their business in it but as soon as she puts a diaper on them they start delivering and man can they deliver. Well i can take some solace in the fact that they fill the diaper all the way up to its limits leaving me with a sense of money well spent or Paisa Wasool.

Now coming on to the modus operandi of the diaper manufacturers, they make all sort of nice ads, sometimes offering humanitarian aid along the way, some what colorful packaging and all sorts of benefits, catchy names and what not only to encourage the consumer to buy their made to handle shit product, that's right, there is no nicer of way saying it or putting it in any other words. They also offer ass wipes with a in your face attitude, keep wiping not only your kid's behind but also your money. The ass wipes might make my babies behind as soft as a baby's behind but for me they are like sand papers, coarse and unforgiving.

The brand of diapers that i buy are named Pearl, now if that's not adding insult to injury i don't know what is. A pearl does not and will never contain human feces so why is it named so? I can come up with no other rubbing it my face reason except for because for them it contains the earning potential of a real pearl.

I would like to warn the diaper manufacturers of the dire consequences if they do not take it easy on middle class working Joes like me and reduce prices of the poo holding devices known as diapers manufactured and proudly marketed by them through the lyrics of the song sung by sting because well it stings, my warning should not be taken lightly and it reads as follows:

Every dump my kids take
Every poo they make
Every single day
Every time i pay
I'll be cursing you, diaper jerks