Upcoming Horror Movies in the IT Sector

The bugs have eyes

I know what you coded last summer

I still know what you coded last summer

Evil Code

The Haunted Software

Codeophobia

The Psycho Project Manager

OCD - Obsessive Coding Disorder

Project on Elm Street

The Insane Tester

The Blair Witch Project Manager

The Blog

Rosemary's Code

QAcula

The Exorcism of Emily's Code

Invasion of the Data Snatchers

Dr. Code and Mr. QA

Night of the Living Errors

Frankerrorstein

The Phantom of the Database

I'll post more as soon as i think of some

(Originally posted on 4/14/2010, updated on 29/01/2011)

Tadapta Client

Developer ki Maut

Katil Manager


Shaitani Requirement

Blackbox ka khauf

Sadma error ka

Pyasa Coder

Some Humor to Brighten our Day

A popular speaker Said: "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a beautiful woman who wasn't my wife!" Audience was shocked. The speaker added: "that woman was my mother!" (Laughter and Applause) A listener tried it at his home. He said loudly to his wife, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a very beautiful woman who was not my Wife!" Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second Half of the joke, he finally said "...and I can't remember who she was!" and he regained his consciousness in a hospital bed. Moral: Don't Copy if you can't Paste! 

Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit." 

All Aboard the 2011 Express

It’s that time of the year once again when we amazingly stupid hopefuls have taken our first steps into a so called 'New Year'. With dreams decorating our eyes, heart filled with hopes of doing and achieving something better, brain surrounded by different ideas, we enter another year which from the looks of it will not be any different from the previous one. Case in point, the hike in petroleum prices, it’s like the government is sending us greetings by saying "We Wish you a Sucky Christmas and a Crappy New Year".  So following in the footsteps of our 360 degrees hated government, let me be amongst the first ones to ruin your new year by point out the fact that if the Mayans did somehow managed to accurately calculate the expiry date of this planet than, we all have only one more year to live. How's that for a New Year greeting?

Let’s not kid ourselves, what is so new about this year besides the calendar and the diary manufacturers getting a chance to make some money? Abso-freaking-lutely nothing. We as people have no right to wish each other glad tidings for the New Year or any year, the reason being our absolute concrete commitment to not change. We don't want to change the way we live, the way we lead our lives, our standard of living, the way we manipulate religion and religious feelings, or the people supposedly responsible for governing us. If we don't give a rat's ass about changing all that than what good will changing the digits of a year do for us? We wear sun glasses to avoid the sunlight from hitting our eyes and in this case it seems like we all are wearing reality glasses, the insides of which are printed with a statuary message, “Warning, change is injurious to heath, ministry of change resistance/same old, Government of Pakistan.

Since it’s a universal tradition, I too will follow it but with a sincere twist by wishing everyone a very happy new year filled with happiness and health, glow, glee and greatness, wealth and wisdom, and everything good that's achievable and attainable, from the bottom of my heart. If you wish to, you can wish the same for me too.

And Miles To Go Before I Sleep

I have embarked on a new journey; I am off to discover new lands through uncharted waters. My latest expedition requires me to take on new roles in a very challenging but equally rewarding environment. My only hope is that my destination awaits me at the end of this voyage, and not another passage towards my purpose of being.

It has happened before, and I am afraid it will happen again. You know history has this god forsaken habit of repeating itself. Every time I felt I was near my goal, I found myself to be ages away. Every time I got the celebrations going, I ended up mourning myself, and my efforts. The path I have chosen to walk on unfortunately has no foot prints to help me on my way. I am alone, sometimes lost and at times right on target. The twists and turns are occasionally baffling, and sporadically justified.

I have built all the suspense and managed to stir some emotions in your, the reader’s mind, only to inform that I have left my previous company and have successfully migrated to another one. Damn those were some big words that I formally wrote and hence now I have to do something equally crazy and casual to satisfy my prehistoric, Neanderthal brain before it goes KABOOM!

My tiny brain is not equipped to handle serious situations or serious emotions. It is a collection of jokes, useless rants and musings, non sense making ideas and creativity that sucks and blows at the same time. For me creativity is not thinking out of the box, I refuse to acknowledge the existence of any such box, and I deny my involvement in its creation. I have never quite understood the concept of having a box and then thinking out of it. If you originally wanted to think out of the box than why did you choose to own it in the first place? It makes you look dumb and the box dumber, and people will undoubtedly doubt your creativity based on the choice of you having a box, and then opting to not use it to its fullest potential before blaming it for not being creative and stepping out of its boundaries.

In my thirty one years of existence I have observed children to be the most creative of all creations. Just yesterday I found my youngest daughter of 1 and a half year, in the bathroom lying on the tiles, enjoying the sensations coming from the wet floor during this cold season. For her, this was the height of creativity, since this was the first time she was doing something like this, and I as her father joined her to experience the joy she was enjoying and participate in the celebrations. My wife on the other hand wasn’t so thrilled by seeing all this and deemed us both as being crazy, typically in the same fashion as the world labels creative people as gone cases.

Fortunately for me my new job allows me the freedom to be creative, well not lying on the bathroom floor creative, but it does allow me to spread my wings and fall flat on my ass. Hopefully this time, this job manages to fuels my creative passions and channels my creative energies for a positive outcome.

Karachi, a Synonym for Awesome

Some and i mean some of the things/people/places/activities which add to the awesomeness of Karachi are:

The dedication and vision of Syed Mustafa Kamal
The awe inspiring web of Flyovers
The Sleek Underpasses
Bugging shop keepers while window shopping at Tariq Road
But actually buying at Light House and Macchi Miyani
The hunt for bargains at Bohri Bazar and Gul Plaza
The guilty pleasure of dating at Bagh Ibn-e-Qasim
Spending quality family time at Safari Park
Traveling in the world famous W-11
Visiting history at Empress Market
The honorable presence of Abdul Sattar Edhi
Witnessing Miracles at the Shrine of Adbullah Shah Ghazi
Eying eye candies at Zamzama
Relaxing after a long day at Sea View
Forgetting the routine troubles of life via a Boat ride at Kemari
Satisfying Faluda cravings at Baloch Ice Cream
Juicing it up at Agha Juice
Shopping wholesale at Chhadi Lane
Paying respect at  Mazar-e-Quaid
Dealing with Karachi Police
The Grandeur of Jinnah Terminal
Searching for and buying automotive spare parts at Shershah and Ranchor Line
Meeting people of different backgrounds and ethnicity
Battling and surviving the traffic at M.A Jinnah Road
Studying while avoiding politics at Karachi University
Visiting and harassing Turtles at Turtle Beach on the night of a full moon
Thanking God for everytime for the easy availability of Pirated cheap copies of different software's at Rainbow Center
Devouring more than delicious food at burns road
Enjoying cool Gola Gandas at Dhora ji
The presence of historical churches and Mohatta Palace
The feeling of serenity while feeding the fish from native jetty bridge
Imagining freedom while feeding the pigeons at the Sindh Assembly round about
The look of Karachi and the way the Buildings look after it rains
Witnessing random acts of kindness by people from all walks of life
The naturally charitable nature of people of karachi who are forcefully labeled as being poor, when in fact they are the richest in the world in terms of humanity
And last but not the least because i live in Karachi

(The awesomeness of Karachi is by no means limited only to the above mentioned facts but this is all i could come up with)

Every one who lives in Karachi automatically qualifies as awesome by extension, a city with a never say die attitude, a city which is the mother of all cities in Pakistan, a city which is unfortunately no longer the city of lights but its heart still glows with the light of kindness and a caring nature which only a mother possesses and i want to end this piece of text on the note saying " I LOVE YOU MA, I LOVE MA KARACHI"

You Know

You know you are poor when you sit outside of your house with your laptop turning on its WIFI hoping to steal someone else's wireless

You know you are poor when you wait late at night to steal petrol from someone else's car to use it in your own

You know you are poor when you dream of saving your farts to use as CNG

You know you are poor when you wish you were there at the latest Oil Spill just so you could have collected a free year's supply of oil

You know you are poor when you insist that the man filling petrol lets the very last drop of petrol drop into your petrol tank

You know you are poor when you believe that 2 tooth brushes are enough to last a year

You know you are poor when you do not order delivery to save the tip

You know you are poor when you are hungry as hell but still wait till midnight just to avail the midnight deal

You know you are poor when you ask is there any discount on the buy 1 get1 free deal

You know you are poor when you are constantly on the hunt for deals on anything

You know you are poor when the thought of shopping at Makro turns you on

You know you are poor when you proudly show off your Suzuki FX

You know you are poor when you president asks for aid, from Ethiopia

You know you are poor when you start calculating how much you’ve spent on your kids

You know you are poor when you polish your shoes once a year

You know you are poor when you supposedly go away on a trip just to avoid giving Eidi to kids

You know you are poor when you slaughter a chicken on Eid-ul-Adha

You know you are poor when the bank’s recovery people insist on giving you money

You know you are poor when you use a dial up connection to connect to the internet

You know you are poor when you color you hair black with crayons

You know you are poor when you write your name; address and telephone number on a piece of paper and use it as your visiting card

You know you are poor when you and your wife both use the same cell phone

You know you are poor when you continuously look at the ground while walking in the hope of finding some money

You know you are poor when you bargain over fees with your doctor

You know you are poor when you fake a serious illness just because the ambulance ride costs less than a cab

You know you are poor when no bank offers to give you credit cards

You know you are poor when you try to save your good mood for later use

You know you are poor when beggars on the traffic signal bug every car except yours

You know you are poor when you President is Asif Ali Zardari

You know you are poor when you wait for load shedding to enjoy a candle light dinner, at home

You know you are poor when you still have a ball mouse instead of an optical

You know you are poor when thieves at gun point rob artificial jewelery off your wife and you go to the police station to launch an FIR against them

You know you are poor when a mosquito coil serves two purposes at your home, to drive away mosquitoes and act as a room freshener

You know you are poor when cockroaches at your house commit suicide to avoid death by hunger

You know you are poor when the vendors at light house know you by name

What i want

I want Pakistan to be like the Incredible Hulk, take no shit from anyone and smash to bits everything that comes in my way attitude.
I want Pakistan to be like a reverse swinging in swinging yorker, you miss i hit
I want Pakistan to be like Mc Gyver, resourceful at using anything and everything as a weapon
I want Pakistan to be like Zidane, headbutting every country in the world that tries to annoy us
I want Pakistan to spank the living daylights out of India out of Kashmir
I want Pakistan to show up as the toughest fu**ing mad ass fighter at every UN meeting
I want Pakistan to stick dynamite sticks up every TTP member's poo hole and light it
I want Pakistan to make an action figure of Ahmedinijad and distribute it free to children
I want Pakistan to take a crap on white house's lawn
I want Pakistan to declare Kim Jong-il as its long lost fraternal brother
I want Pakistan to ask other countries to pay ransom to us for not blowing them up
I want Pakistan to name Fidel Castro as the Uncle no one talks about
I want Pakistan to stop getting involved in useless shit created by others
I want Pakistan to whip some much needed sense into Baloch Separatists
I want Pakistan to get its water back from India via missile target practice on their dams
I want Pakistan to name Abdul Qadeer Khan as the baddest Nuclear Scientist ever
I want Pakistan to form a mafia with China, Iran, North Korea and Russia and call it The Fantastic Five
I want Pakistan to employ the Queen of England as the head maid in the President's House
I want Pakistan to ask Hugo Chavez about the appearance of "balls" and how to use them

The Quality Inequality

QA or Quality Assurance is all about developing and implementing solutions with a specific purpose, avoiding the dreaded "OH SHIT, OH CRAP, OH GOD' situation/s but Quality Assurance as commonly perceived by the majority of nitwits is not just about Testing. Yes i agree, testing is a big nay huge part of QA but Quality Assurance in no way can be encapsulated in a nutshell called testing. There are many other factors that contribute just as much as testing towards the successful development of a commercial product that passes the benchmark engraved in stone by the Organization, the standards set by the Client and the standards put in place by the Industry.

The very first and basic requirement of Quality Assurance is, the organization itself should have a Quality Conscience attitude with a strict and a big fat "NO" on making any compromises what so ever on Quality. Hiring absolutely qualified people not the kind who wouldn't know Quality if it bit them in the ass, creating and maintaining a productive, professional but friendly environment across all departments (Zero Toleration towards politics and below the belt personal attacks) ,acquiring tools and latest technologies(Absolutely No Penny Pinching), proper training and human resource management (The right person for the right job) all play a vital role in the development of a product which the company could later boast about.

Then comes the client and his standards, more then often a client will expect quality but will refuse to grant the time or dough required for it. This is a true fact and sadly this is the nature of the outsourced I.T Industry, so what to do in this situation? kick the quality factor out of the product? well you would be a ultra moron if you do so. The simple yet effective solution here is to school the client about the benefits of quality development and quality management. If the client has just an ounce of foresight, he/she will agree and let have your time and required bucks to develop a rich in quality product, but please, please refrain from misusing this opportunity for financial or any other form of unethical gains.

Next come the standards set by the industry itself, here the rule of thumb is that do not assume or think that you are wiser, more intelligent then the person who developed a particular standard. You can be a dumb ass but never a wise ass in this case. Yes the space to innovate is always there provided you are equipped with the knowledge necessary to put the wheels of innovation in motion. The people who developed these standards in the first place knew their business, they worked hard and worked intelligently and then came up with these standards, they demand and deserve respect so honor them by following or innovating them but steer clear from disgracing them by being a quality moron.

People who believe in quality do not vomit rainbows as some myths might suggest, the basic difference between normal and quality cautious people is paying attention to details. There is no such thing as NO QUALITY, but yes there is High Quality and Low Quality.

Quality Assurance is one of the most boring jobs in the world, you are surrounded by paper work all the time, but if you want to look at it from a different angle here's one, consider it as an adventure, because when you are surrounded with paper work the danger of getting multiple repeated paper cuts increases thus endangering your life and making QA an adrenaline pumping adventure.

The QA team is never allowed to assume and you cannot let your mind wonder off, doing the same thing meticulously over and over again gets you your pay check. You have a long list of documents which needs to be updated every time a minor or a major change is requested/forced, the list itself and each and every document on it. The irony is that everyone else is allowed to make mistakes except for the QA team as you are supposed to rectify all the mistakes committed by others.

The Un noticed everyday Superhero

My dad, my superhero, my larger than life idol, my ideal and favorite personality and my reason for having faith in humanity and having faith in God, because of you i firmly believe that there is a higher power who really cares about me and gave you the task to watch over me from the ground below while he does the same from the heavens above.Thank you dad for everything, seriously for every little and big things. I recognized you even before i developed face recognition ability, i recognized you by your voice and by your touch. I know you held and carried me continuously for hours on, you must have felt tired but you couldn't bear to set me down because you feared that i might get hurt.

Dad, how can i repay you? i don't think its humanly possible for me and i am sure of this now because i myself am a father and i am going through the same things that you went through and i too have developed the same emotions but i am no where near the parenting standards set by you, your patience, compassion, understanding and the sacrifices you made for me.  From the time i started to recognize faces, the time i took my first steps, i uttered my first words, i remember you being there always by my side smiling and there to take care of whatever mess i got myself into regardless of the situation.

Dad, you know i don't believe in celebrating mothers or fathers day because i think its the most cheap and inhumane way of honoring the greatest personalities, greatest helpers and greatest care takers one gets to know. If it was up to me i would declare every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every month of every year, mothers and fathers day and even so i wouldn't be able to just start thanking you for everything you did, you do and will do for me and my betterment.

Dad, they say being a parent is the worst job in the world, you don't get paid, there are no holidays,overtime or extra benefits and you have been doing this thankless job for the past 31 years non stop. For the past 31 years you have been taking first class care of me, and now you are doing the same for my kids and your grand kids, sometimes i wonder what good did i accidentally do to deserve such a wonderful man like you for a father. I know i am far from being the best son in the world, heck i don't even  come any close at being a good son but dad let me take this opportunity to tell you that i try my best, i really do and when you say that you love me and are proud of me it makes me happy, very glad and satisfied. Thank you dad for supporting me through thick and thin, through sad and happy times, through hot and cold seasons, through scarce and unlimited means.

Dad, i owe everything good to you, without you by my side i would have been nothing, an absolute loser and a terrible waste of mind, body and soul. It is because of you i learned to talk the talk and walk the walk. You taught me greatness, survival, compassion, humility and modesty. Dad i can go on forever but i know you get bored very easily and being a man's man you too don't like to get emotional, so i will stop now by once more thanking you and by saying Oh dear Father Take me Further, Further into valor, knowledge and parenting.

Cruising for a Bruising, NOT

Some rules to follow while cruising on the roads of Karachi:


You have to be hyper crazed all the time while behind the steering wheel, the more hyper the better

Never think that you just own your car, not thinking of the road as your property too is considered as being a jackass

Being courteous is considered as being a pretentious A-hole, don't be one

Being hospitable means you are less of man, so act all manly by refusing to give anyone a helping hand but giving the finger to anyone at anytime with or preferably without any reason is an absolute must

Pedestrians are simply slow moving targets, hit them, keep count and boast about it to your friends

Wearing seat belts is considered lame and a huge waste of time, wear a gun instead

Wearing a gun would come in handy as whenever you get into an argument with a fellow driver start having illicit and explicit sexual verbal relations with his female family members and end it with your gun

You can stop, anywhere for any reason or no reason at all, as your highness pleases

Never give way to a passing car, as someone overtaking you would definitely hurt your manliness and will make you seem like a wuss

At nights drive with at least the high beams on, if your ass is too cheap to buy LED lights

Even if you do not have to be at any place, always act like your behind is in a hurry

Being rude to female and elderly drivers is considered as the most awesome driving act

Road rules are not meant for you, ignorance is bliss, pay absolutely no attention to them

Honk loud and continuously, specially in hospital and school zones

The music system in your car should at least be worth 25 to 50k regardless of the fact that your car itself may only be worth 20k

Play louder than loud music, everybody needs to know that you are a pompous rich supposed celebrity and can afford ear treatment at a later phase in your life

Since life itself is a race, go nuts on the road, Drag Racing is an absolute must

Nothing defines class and status as passengers sitting right on your car doors

Intoxication and driving under influence is extremely COOL

Ambulances are only pretending to be in an emergency with their sirens and the man yelling on the microphone,  the only and the most important emergency is you reaching your destination as quickly as possible. Keep in mind that people will die regardless if you give way to an ambulance or not, so why bother?

Always drive with a smug look on your face with a cigarette in your mouth

Texting while driving gets the onlooking divas all hot and what not for you, the women folk are most impressed by reckless behavior

While driving always act like a Super hero in a hurry to save the day, by doing anything in your power to get ahead of the rest of the cars

Always keep a 50 Rupees note handy in your pocket for the cops

There are no predefined slow or fast lanes, deciding which speed to drive in and in which lane, solely depends on your mood

Always overtake from the wrong side and confuse the living daylights out of other drivers

In case of a minor accident, never ever be a pansy and admit your fault

In case of a major accident and resulting casualties, run like hell away from the crime scene

Traffic signals are just kidding, they don't really want you to stop on a red light

Think of every road as a F1 track and you are Michael Schumaker

You were born a driver, no need to get a driving license

Always blame everything on the driver of the bigger vehicle

It is a common sight in Karachi to see an unfortunate broken down vehicle and the driver of that vehicle pushing it alone with a worried look on his sad face and that can fill you with compassion, if that happens you are allowed to make his day by yelling "Maachis doon kia" on the top of your lungs while passing by the scumbag

The more your car pollutes, the cooler it becomes by extension

Render every argument invalid by mentioning your contacts

Failure to follow any one of these rules most probably will result in an ego threatening experience, don't let that happen,  be a rule abiding citizen, always follow every rule mentioned here and you are good to go for the pleasure of driving on the roads of Karachi.

Remix This!!!!

Vacancy Announcement

A scantily clad, desperate for recognition/attention, willing to do anything to get a little of  her face and a lot of other private parts on T.V, skank is needed for a remix video. Girls with little or no self esteem, suicidal tendencies due to inferiority complex should immediately send in their Portfolios ( nude or at least revealing is preferred) to give us a chance to get into their pants vis-a-vis on the casting couch. To apply, your age must be above 18 and below 25, no fatty's please, the less experienced the better so freshers are strongly encouraged to apply,  send in your pretend "Resumes" ( indicating your age, height, weight and moral ethics) to me@gettingsometail.com. We do not discriminate on the basis of ethnicity, color, race or language. But we do discriminate where it matters the most, Men are strictly not allowed, not even crazy gay ones, Feminists are not welcome at all, Conservative goody two shoes need not apply and Sentimental bitches with STD's, stay the hell away from us.

This is how i picture the ad given by Indian producers and directors of remix videos whenever they are about to commit debauchery by taking a rare, classic master piece and beating the soul out of its melody by "remixing" it.

So you want to recycle something old  into something new by adding some modern touches and spices, OK go forth, but why the heck do you insist on insulting the artists and composers who made the original by shooting a trashy, D-Grade, obscenely vulgar video of that song. Isn't it enough that you have robbed the creator of his creation and made a fool of the genius who created the original? but No, you go one step forward and kill the audio appeal along with its visual appeal as well, all in the name of  pepping it up.

Just because you think that you have some talent doesn't necessarily mean its true. I firmly believe that DJ this and DJ that who are thought of as the masters of remixes are actually anything but musicians, just because i know how to hold a cricket bat does not make me a batsman, similarly knowing how to play a musical instrument does not make any one a musician let alone capable of having the talent to monkey with a classic set of musical notes.

I know Mother Earth needs us to Recycle but in the case of Recycling music, i bet Mother Nature would feel a lot better if we decide not to Recycle at all and let the Polluted old music live.

Zardari Facts

After Chuck Norris and Rajnikanth, here are some fresh facts about Zardari:

Zardari can even rob a man with no money
Zardari can multiply by zero and produce a number greater than zero
Zardari can sell you a piece of land on Mars
Zardari can make sugar taste bitter
Zardari can make anyone a bhutto
Zardari can get away with murder
Zardari can tell an absolute truth and make it sound like a complete lie
Zardari can make money without doing any business
Zardari can deceive the Devil
Zardari can teach the devil new tricks
Zardari public toilets were once made, the problem was they just wouldn't stop overflowing with shit
Zardari can be used as a new term for getting mobbed (Dude 1 : Man i got zardarid on my way back from office. Dude 2: That's so sad)
Zardari can be used as a new term for money laundering ( Jury: We find the defendant guilty of zardari. Judge: I sentence you to 20 years of imprisonment)
Zardari can be used as a brand ambassador for corruption
Zardari can control the flow of money (out of the pockets of others to his own)
Zardari can hug the Alaska out of Palin
Zardari can ask for a donation, at a beggars convention
Zardari is wrongly quoted as being the 5th Richest Person in Pakistan, when in fact he is the richest
Zardari can bug the living bejesus out of Chief Justice
Zardari can make the fake hair on Nawaz Sharif's head fall off
Zardari can bring the dead back to life, whenever he visits the cemetery the dead people run away to save their bones from being stolen

These were but just some of the facts i managed to think of about Zardari, Readers addition are most welcome.

Who let the Englishmen Out?

Is the only question that comes to mind when we look back at the finals of the T20 world cup. Collingwood must have burned a lot of midnight wood to motivate and carve his team into deserving champions.

Right from the go of the tournament the English team looked and behaved like clones of Kevin Peterson, Fintoff and Collingwood, all pumped up, excited, focused and take no shit from no one policy. To take on the mighty Kangaroos proved too tough for all the teams, all hopeful in the beginning and returning in a hopeless situation from the ground after the match was over.

Australia practically molested the talent out of every team they faced, but when it came to England, the Aussies weren't able to team bang the victory out of them.

England came prepared, all stone faced, cool attitude and with a chastity belt on every player which prevented the Aussie players from doing any hanky panky with the English playboys.  The Australian wild horses pace attack was finally tamed by the not so Wild West English team. Not only did they tame it, but rode the ego out of those wild horses in their victory lap.

The England attack led by Kevin Peterson and Kieswetter proved to be more than a nuisance to contain and finally Australia surrendered their unholy urges to repeat the nasty with England that they did with every team they faced during the tournament. Here I feel I should say something nice about Kieswetter, but what can I do, his name is just too damn inviting insult,  ridicule and pun funny. It sounds like a kinky fetish involving keys, locks and a whole lot of nasty and naughty. He must have had a very tough and tormenting childhood and his school and college days worst when compared with any nightmare in the world.

In all the years of Cricket, never have i seen faces glowing with pride and smug, like the way the faces of the T20 Champions were.A truly deserving feast for the eyes is when you see a working hard and working intelligent, deserving to win team actually win. The one and only logical question which comes to mind now is was the English Team celebrating their victory in the T20 Tournament or were they instinctively celebrating their win in the 2011 World cup as the world champions? We'll have to wait and watch for this eye candy.

Now since the English team is finally Out of it's Misery and Proud, who will put them back in the closet and close the flood doors opened by them? I sincerely hope NO ONE.

Facebook or Facadebook?

The hate loving race of Super Morons are at it again and this time they have decided to use facebook as their weapon of mass anger. The simple question here is what are they aiming to achieve by doing all this? Is it fame, fortune or just the thought of angering the much docile Muslims enough to motivate them to perpetrate a heinously blasphemous act like this. They are doing this in the name of freedom of speech and as a reaction to Comedy Central’s decision to censor an episode of South Park with depictions of Prophet Muhammad [PBUH].

But is it really considered Freedom of Speech if your speech hurts, demeans or belittles a particular group, people or race? I beg to differ. The United States is protected by the First Amendment to the United States Constitution and by many state constitutions and state and federal laws.

There are exceptions to these general protections, including the Miller test for obscenity, child pornography laws, speech that incites imminent danger, and regulation of commercial speech such as advertising.

Even if the concept of Freedom of Expression and Speech is not clear to some dumb retards, why is it that the K.K.K are disliked and banned? They are just expressing what they feel is right. Why are people forced to accept Holocaust as a reality and denying it is considered as a crime in many countries, if i choose to believe that there was no such thing as holocaust, I would be promptly labeled as a Jew hating Maniac.

Muslims all over God's green earth have every right to protest against this insane behavior of some individuals who just want to incite Muslims into doing something terrifyingly BIG. And if any such thing happens the world as we know it will once again blame the Muslims and launch war on terror version 2.0.

Facebook itself on the other hand is doing its part in supporting this nasty, worthless cause. Even after Facebook received least 35,000 abuse reports (i can bet my life that the numbers must be quadrupled by now) it very conveniently decided to ignore it all when it is on record that Facebook banned a Anti Semitic Page with-in 20 minutes of its reporting by Jews.

Facebook is governed under its Terms of Services. Item 3.7 of Facebook TOS says “You will not post content that: is hateful, threatening, or pornographic; incites violence; or contains nudity or graphic or gratuitous violence” but on this occasion Facebook itself is violating its TOS and for what? A cause as worthless as a pile of shit resting beneath 500 feet of Rock-bottom resting on top of a 1000 layers of disgusting crap.

Many Muslim countries have already banned that page or facebook altogether along with other social media websites, and almost all the Muslim users except for the lame liberal losers have already deactivated their accounts on facebook or will not use facebook on the 18th, 19th and 20th May as a means to record their protest against the sick twisted, double standard policy of facebook and that is the most right and honorable thing to do given the current circumstances. If facebook had chose to act diligently and ban the crap out of that sad little pathetic page in the early days this entire scenario could have been easily avoided.

I have already deactivated my account by giving facebook the finger along with this message:

I am deactivating my account to record my protest against the double standard policies of facebook. An Anti Semitic page gets removed immediately but a page insulting and committing blasphemy against the greatest personality known to mankind Muhammad (S.A.W.W) goes unnoticed and continues to spread hatred against Muslims all over the world. This has to end and we will make it end now.

The WEB GIANT known as Facebook needs to be taught the age old lesson now, the BIGGER you are, the HARDER you fall.

Messing with Celine Dion

Every night in my dreams
I design you, I develop you
That is how I know the project will go on

Far across the frame works
And the languages between them,
The requirements keep going on and on

Near, far, however connected you are
I believe that the internet goes on
Once more you open the source
To review and Audit my code
That is how I know the project will go on

A Beta version launches just one time
And can last for a long time
And never let go till the client's gone

Leadership was when I led you
One true time I ruled you
In that time the Design Patterns went on

Near, far, however connected you are
I believe that the internet goes on
Once more you open the source
To review and Audit my code
That is how I know the project will go on

The Support team is here, there's nothing I fear
And I know that the hacking attempts will go on
We'll stay forever behind a virus scanner
You are safe on my protected Rom's
And that's how I know the project will go on and on

Shattered Dreams

What can i say about today's match, we all saw everything that went down happening live. Yet again, the thought of a victory over Australia proved to be nothing more than a mirage, an image which the brain forcibly creates and deceives the eyes into seeing but in reality it just does not exist. I now realize that cricket has evolved into a science, its not just a game anymore and the Aussie team is made up of researchers, physicians, surgeons and engineers, all the time, every time ready, willing and able to revive their team back to a state of victory regardless of the situation.

We had rightly prepared ourselves for the onslaught of the Aussie pace attack but we were left perplexed when it came to White and Hussey. Damn you, never say die, positively optimistic, run scoring machine Hussey, I hate you. I hate you for not giving up, I hate you for believing in yourself, I hate you for your hard work and dedication, I hate you for performing under a million Newton tons of pressure and I hate you for making everything wrong that Pakistan did right. I hate you for making the green grease on Umar Akmal's lips look bad, I hate you for taking you optimism out on the poor cricket ball and hitting is so hard that it went out of the ground three times in the last over consecutively, I hate you for kangaroo punching us, I hate you for bullying us but I hate you most for not letting us through to the finals even though we were the most deserving, two match winning, absolutely fantastic example of a dedicated cricket team.

Who the frick do you think you are Hussey? You were supposed to let your hopes die after white got out. After watching your performance it felt like determination and dedication had an abnormal child and named him Michael Hussey. You sir are abnormal, because normal people throw in the towel when the going gets too tough and the pressure seizes the brain from functioning. I hope your abnormal ass career dies a conspiracy engulfed, terribly horrific, politically motivated death. 

We painstakingly managed to reach the semi's on the basis of charity left behind by the other teams, but sadly there wasn't any more left lying around to propel us into the finals.

I applaud Pakistan for finally showing some class and a fighting spirit, but i guess it was too little to late. Unfortunately for me, I find myself in a very sad situation where I have to bow my head to the greatness of the Kangaroos and hang my head in shame because that’s the only logical thing left to do.

P.S, after writing down my thoughts and re reading them i could not help but feel that something was missing and finally i realized what it was, i forgot to elaborate on Umar Akmal and his green lips. so here's something from me to Umar Akmal, i apologize to the old guy on American idol for messing with his self created every lasting melody which coincidentally is the best thing to come out of this season of American Idol: 

Grease on the lips, grease on the lips, YO lookin like a fool with the grease on your lips

Stupid, Strict Translations

Following are some strictly literal Urdu to English Translations of commonly used sentences and famous movie dialogues :

• Lalay, Naukri kar, Ghulami na kar
• Pathan's son, job do, slavery no do
•  
• Chotay, Chai la
• Junior, tea get
• 
  
• Tamatar kaisay diay?
• Tomatoes how give
• 
  
• kuch kam to karo
• some less to do
• 
  
• Bade bade desho mein aisi chhoti chhoti baatein hoti rehti hein.
• Big Big Countries in this small small things happening
• 
  
• Don ka intzaar to gyarah mulko ki police kar rahi hai Sonia, Lekin itna jan lo ki DON ko pakadna mushkil hi nahi, na mumkin hai.
• Don for waiting eleven countries police Sonia, but this know DON to arrest difficult not only impossible is
• 
  
• Mohabbat bhi zindagi ki tarah hoti hai, har mod aasan nahi hota, har mod par khushi nahi milti.... Par jab hum zindagi ka saath nahi chodte to hum mohabbat ka saath kyon chhode."
• love too life is like, every turn easy not, every turn on happiness not get... but when we life along not let go then we love along why let go
• 
  
• Tum soch rahi hogi ki main yeh race kyo haar gaya. Main yeh race tumhare liye har gaya. Tumhi ne kaha tha na ki mere dad ke saamne ye iki, riki, piki sab fail ho jaate hai. Kabhi-kabhi kuch jitne ke liye kuch haarna padta hai Aur haar kar jitne wale ko Baazigar kehte hai.
• You thinking that me this race why lost. i this race for you lost, you only said no that my father in front this iki, riki, piki everything fails. Sometime sometime some winning for some lose have to and lost after winning is Baazigar called
• 
  
• Mogambo khush hua
• Magambo happy is
• 
  
• AAJ ....aaj ek zindagi aur jeelo .aaj ek hasin aur baathlo, aaj ek sapna aur dekhlo , aaj ek aason aur peelo
• Today... today one life more live. Today one smile more spread, today one dream more see, today one tear more drink
• 
  
• Yeh bacchhon ke khelne ki cheez nahi, haath kat jaaye toh khoon nikal aata hai.
• This kids for playing for thing not, hand cut if then blood out comes is.
• 
  
• Mooche ho to Nathulal jaise ho….warna na ho
• Mustache have like Nathulal like have... otherwise not have
• 
  
• Sara saher mujhe lion ke naam se jaanta hai
• Whole city me lion name knows
• 
  
• Police ne tumhe charon taraf se gher liya hai – apne aap ko kannon ke haawale kar do
• Police have your four directions from surrounded have - yourself you law to surrender to
• 
  
• Chalti Ka Naam Gadi
• Moving is named car
•  
• Mere Paas Maa Hai
• I near mother is
•  
• Arrey oh sambha kitney admi they
• O yee Sambha how many men were
•  
• Chal Dhano! Aaj teri Basanti ki izzhat ka saawal hai
• walk dhanno! today your basanti of  respect for question is
•  
• Hum jaha pe khade ho jaate hein, line wahi se shuru hoti hai
• we where standing, queue there begins from
• 
  
• Rishtey main to hum tumhare baap lagte hain magar naam hai Shenshah
• Relation in I your father am but name is Shehshah
• 
  
• Kanoon ke haath bahut lambe hote hain
• Law of hands lot long has
• 
  
• Basanti in kutto ke samne mat nachna
• Basanti these dogs in front of not dance

As always more to come soon

Some Do's and Dont's of Online Dating

Anyone who says online dating is a good way to find your soul mate is a lying retard and a loser. If you are online trying to find your significant other it only means that you have gone past rock bottom and are destined to live your life alone and die a loner's death. Honestly if you weren't such a woman repeller your family or friends might have succeeded in getting you married in a arranged way or you yourself might have successfully struck the right chord with someone already, and since you have not, it doesn't take rocket science to predict the happenings in the future of your non existent love life. I know you are one stubborn son of a gun and are bent upon making someone miserable for the rest of their life, so here are some do's and dont's of online dating.

DON’T be a Poser
The info highway is cramped with losers like you so stop pretending that you are not. Just be you lame self and someone might actually, even out of pity give you a second thought. The person on the other side of the monitor is just as big a loser as you are so why pretend?

Post your own Face
Be true to yourself and your creator and post your own pics, no matter how terribly fugly they might be. Posting fake pictures is considered as a shenanigan and will get you no where (like you are going places). Remember even negative publicity is a form of publicity itself so if a flattering picture can attract eyes, so can a butt ugly one. And one more thing, no risque photos, if no body wants to see your face, showing them your private parts will not win them over.

The First Step
Don't start your communications with a big whiny statement. Stop draining energy from the person you are communicating with by boring them with your sad stories, nobody wants to listen to the pathetic stories concerning your past or your life altogether. Be positive, but not HIV positive. I know being positive is not your thing but you can at least try. Don't be afraid to fail, if it doesn't work out don't admit to being a loser, call her a skank and move on to the next one.

DON’T be too Desperate
You might not be familiar with what a woman's touch feels like but that doesn't give you an excuse to act like a happy fool and start blurting your personal information out as soon as you talk to one. Someone might try to kill you in an attempt to rid the world of ugly if you give out your address to every crazy girl/woman/lady/trany you get in touch with online. Protecting yourself at all times is essential as people need to see the difference between pretty and horrific.

DO be a Clingy Doormat
Just when you manage to engage yourself in a serious relationship, don't ruin it all by not being a whipped, clingy, ultra sensitive doormat of a man. Don't take it slow, remember slow and steady wins the race but in your case mentally slow and steadily crazy will not make you a winner so just hang on to her like dear life. Don't make the same mistake of thinking that you are someone again, keep reminding yourself that you are a nobody and thank your lucky stars that someone has agreed to be in a relation ship with you and start worshiping them immediately.

DO lookout for Scams
Just because a supposed to be girl seems interested in you should not get you too excited. There are many online scams designed specifically for dumb desperado's like you, so watch out for them. If someone asks you for money or your bank accounts details to be your "friend", straight away tell them that you are a sad little excuse for a human being with no money and no potential. Tell them you have all the traits of a millionaire, you are bald, middle aged, extremely desperate for loving except you don't have a million bucks. This will surely scare all the scams away. 

These are but just some of the tips i am giving to helpless losers, so don't act like a wise ass, take my advice and turn your life around for the better.

Things that make you go hmmmmm

Here are some things (in no particular order) that are sure to make anyone go hmmmmm

• A donkey on Facebook has more fans than Zardari
• Meera talking in english
• Naveed Qamar not napping in an assembly session
• Chaudhary Shujat Hussain talking
• Musharraf saying he is not afraid of death while being surrounded with an army of body guards
• Qazi Hussain giving a Pro American speech
• Imran Khan not blaming the government for everything evil
• News Channels not blowing things out of propotion
• Government of Pakistan standing up for itself
• PPP not using Benazir as their triumph card
• Zaid Hamid's theories
• Shoaib Sania wedding Fiasco
• Saeed Ajmal holding on to a catch
• Raja pervaiz Ashraf announcing a deadline for load shedding
• Shoaib Akhter not getting injured after a match
• A Pakistani film getting nominated for an Oscar
• Traffic cops rejecting bribes
• Bilawal calling himself a Bhutto (Controversial, i know)
• An actually educated MNA
• Sheikh Rasheed not making any predictions
• Kalabagh Dam

More to come soon

Pakistan needs YOU

Ladies and Gentleman, Hear Yee Hear Yee,

Once again we as a nation are required to help the green shirts out their misery in the ongoing T20 World Cup.

You all are therefore requested to perform the following actions for the sake of Pakistan and Team Pakistan:

• Since there is no way in hell that Team Pakistan can reach the semi finals, finals and defend its title by itself, you are all requested to pray like there is no tomorrow.
• Start repenting for your sins and for the sins committed by Team Pakistan at least one hour before Pakistan and South Africa face off.
• Watch the match in a state of complete ablution while seated on a prayer mat.
• Instead of concentrating on watching the match, concentrate on praying hard with tears in your eyes.
• Contact a certified Voodoo Master or Witch Doctor and pay him to cast a horrible spell on the Proteas as to kill them, physically cripple them or temporary making them insane, whichever option is doable.
• Recite Holy Verses so our team concentrates on the match and not on the spectators or the cheerleaders and consequently does not drop any catches or misfields in a state of horniness.
• It is highly recommended that people should be in a state of Prostration all the while the match is in progress.
• Consider Proteas as the advocates of The Devil, curse and verbally abuse the crap out of them.
• If somehow Pakistan manages to reach the semis, it automatically becomes mandatory on everyone watching to feed two hungry poor people.
• The Semi Final should be watched only by people observing a fast.

If Pakistan does manage to reach the semi's, then the finals and miraculously defends its title then you are all allowed to party in the streets, raise the roof, let loose an orgy of public property destruction, cause a mayhem and disrupt traffic and let all hell break out because we are the champions of crazy, crazy champions indeed.