For Every SON, there is a MOM

Ma, Mom, Mother, Mai, Moi, Maaji, and under special circumstances General Ammi are some of the numerous titles by which I dare to address my most respected after God, Mom.

Ma, thank you for not letting me turn out to be captain imbecile, thanks for keeping me disciplined and most of all thanks for being the galaxy’s greatest mom. You are a natural and transcendental leader, the embodiment of compassion and a towering structure of care and I consider myself the luckiest joe alive only because I get to call you MA.

Mom if it wasn’t for you I would’ve turned out to be a pampered, spoiled, good for nothing, absolutely useless brat (thanks to dad). It was you who threatened to smack the chap off my lips, beat the stupid out of me, punish the mischief off my evil mind, and let me tell you ma, your threats worked. I was stark raving scared of you and your super powers. Powers such as the ability to read my mind, to see into my soul through my eyes, to anticipate my next atrocity and always stopping me dead right in my tracks before I could actually perpetrate anything. No matter how good a plan I made, you were and still are always a step ahead of me.

Mother, it’s because of you that my life is a never ending vortex of awesomeness, coupled with greatness and ubercool. Thank you for allowing me to bask in your glory, feel protected under your gratifying shadow and for teaching me how to live life in a way that’s both legendary and inspiring. Sadly i have not managed to live up to your expectations because of my refusal to listen to you.

Mai, it still fascinates me how you are always able to hit the bulls eye just by looking at me. You are able to accurately predict the temperature of my fever without even using a thermometer, you know when I am depressed or worried regardless of the huge smile on my face, and you know my next move without me explaining you the complete scenario. This is something above and beyond telepathy, a human WIFI, 4G, Bluetooth connection with you being the server machine and me being the workstation, nothing I do is outside of your knowledge and i am always protected from outside intrusions, viruses and attacks by your firewall.

Moi, I have you to save me from the wrath of God, but i can have no one to save me from your wrath if I decide to be a complete loser by disrespecting, dishonoring and hurting your feelings. I am a firm believer that Paradise lies underneath your feet and I think it’s because of the fact that Almighty wanted Paradise to know that it is not the greatest creation created by him and so he placed it under your feet and secondly Almighty wanted you to know your greatness, the height of your status. Not only did he place it under your feet but gave you complete authority over who gets to enter and not. Moi over the years I have asked you for everything and I beg you, please when it comes to handing me the keys to Paradise do not hesitate and remember my wrong doings and deny me entrance.

General Ammi, i also believe that the cursed devil would have had a chance of being forgiven on the day of judgment if only he had a General Ammi to pray for him, but come to think of it, if he had a General Ammi he would never have gone astray and as a result gotten damned till eternity. His General Ammi would have immediately knocked some sense into his egomaniac brain and he would have gladly bowed down.

Maaji, i would like to let you know that i refuse to let you off the hook, i am your liability now and will forever be one. You need to figure out a way to care for me, help me, protect and rescue me whenever i get into trouble with people, situations or even God. Ma i sincerely, regularly and with all my heart pray for you to get a long, healthy and prosperous life but please make yourself available whenever i need you, even from your grave and beyond it from the other realm because i am sure you can do that, being a maaji and all.

To wrap my speech in your honor, i would like to add that your prayers are the wings that give me flight, your blessings act as a shield and cover and hide my shortcomings, errors and mistakes, and if ever the world respects me for me it would be because i respected you for you. Thank you Ma, seriously and sincerely for everything; for giving me life, for bringing me into this world, raising me with utmost love and care and looking after me till today and for the rest of my life. I owe my life to you, i owe everything awesome to you, you are my mom and i am your son, that would not change even if i get to live a 100 years, I'd still be your little boy.

Advertising Gone Horribly Wrong

The advertising business in Pakistan has hit a new low. First we saw the ad for “Chaika”, then came the ad for “Pakola Tea Milk” and now Olivia cream bleach hits rock bottom. I am simply amazed at the workings of the "creative" minds behind the ad for Olivia cream bleach, why on earth would anyone willingly ridicule their product by casting someone like Mathira in their ad and asking her to be their brand ambassador. Its like opening the Pandora's box of crap, the crap will engulf as all.

There are a few reasons because of which i would like to see someone punching Mathira square in her pie hole. To start off, she speaks Urdu like a super moronic alien and she is dark skinned at best, and this does not nearly qualify her to be a spokesperson for a fairness bleach cream. Secondly, she has a dreadful accent that is a mix of Pashto and gibberish, and an even more dreadfully notorious personality, best suited for c, d, e grade Tamil or Telegu movies. Thirdly, she is despised by the women viewers because of her on air shenanigans. And last but not the least, the majority of her male fan following consists of perverted pervy weirdos that are obsessed with the thought of doing the nasty to her, (some of them have even openly expressed their unholy desires by calling her live show) regardless of the fact that she uses Olivia or not.

There are two versions of the same ad on air, one with Mathira and the other with some other model. I have noticed one thing in particular that both these versions are being aired only on cable and not on satellite channels. I guess the geniuses knew that Mathira wasn't satellite material but the same people who realized this obvious fact failed to comprehend that their target audience is lower middle class women, the same women that have seen Mathira doing her cheap, vulgar high jinks live on Vibetv and because of which they are anxiously waiting to try her as a human punching bag.

I understand that money is tight and every company wants to save money, but is it really worth it to take the cheap way out? Olivia had the budget to make two versions of the same ad with two different models so why didn't they combine the budget and opt for a classy showpiece instead of a ridiculously sadistic knockoff. I cannot think of a logical reason for this crime against creativity and thus I am forced to attribute this disaster to the dreaded casting couch. It's a slap across every models face that they now have to compete with the likes of Mathira by stepping down, way down from their high horses into the dirt. Well ladies, let me take this opportunity to welcome you, Welcome to Rock Bottom, I hope you are comfortable with Mathira as your neighbor.

Hell Called, Your Place is Reserved

Finally some glad tidings, Osama Dustbin Unladen has been officially laid to rest. Good riddance, the world now has one less A-Quality, Fanatic, A-hole to deal with. But it would have been better for Pakistan if his ass wasn’t bombed in Pakistan. What now awaits us is a new wave of finger pointing, endless whining and the nonstop strings of told you sos from the rest of the countries in the world especially the expert in mind numbing whining and nagging, India.

The TTP has obviously denounced the death of their sugar daddy similarly as they did when the crap was blown out of their illegitimate dad Baitullah Mehsud. The high level intelligence officials in Pakistan too are keeping their mouths firmly shut in fear of not getting more funds to loot and plunder. The government officials have chose not to utter a single statement on this issue fearing being publicly and permanently tattooed as America’s Bitch and the army too is hiding behind covers fearing attacks on their buses and convoys.

Mr Obama told the press that he got in touch with the President of Pakistan before this operation and “informed” him about the events about to unfold. That’s mighty great of Mr Obama to “inform” us before hand. I believe the conversation went something like this:

Obama: Yo Zardari, what up?
Zardari: Nuffin much, just chillin, relaxin, corruptin
Obama: Dude, I called for some serious shit, we found Bin Laden, he’s in Pakistan
Zardari: OMG Really, you aren’t fu**ing with me, are you?
Obama: No man I am serious, we found him dead in Afghanistan, bought his body to Pakistan and now we are about to launch an operation to kill his dead body. You down with that?
Zardari: Man, why did you kill him, he was the reason we was getting all the security, protocol and everything.
Obama: Dude, elections are coming up in 2012, this time a video message wasn’t enough to guarantee my win and his satellite phone bills were getting ridiculously high, plus he was making unreasonable demands like attending the royal wedding and shit.
Zardari: what about the reward you guys were offering, whose gonna get that reward?
Obama: Man, stop talkin about money, you’ll get your share
Zardari: Ok then, I am ready to get jiggy with it
Obama: Tell Kiyani and others to co-operate or else I will unleash Petraeus on their asses.
Zardari: Ok, but they were asking for an increase in the defense budget
Obama: Man, they can have their hike in budget, Aiman and Omar are there to keep the threats real. I am about to pop open a bottle of champagne, I don’t have time to discuss this shit now. Watch me on the TV, I am about to address my peeps, just hired a new stylist, tell me how I look
Zardari: Dude, you always look good, If you were a women and white I swear I would be all over you

Obama: Man, don’t say all that, Wiki might be hearing, ok then later dude.

Update:

I got some criticism from some of my readers telling me that my behavior was not appropriate towards the death of a fellow "Muslim". Well, if that is the case than i choose to mourn the death of Saif-ul-Islam Gadhhafi. Even though he is accused of misuse of and getting drunken with power, atleast he did not malign islam, his actions did not make life a living hell for muslims all over the world and he did not lead astray an entire generation of what could have been some of the greatest minds of the muslim world.

Shut the Royal Up!

So there i was switching channels on my TV and all that was on display on every channel was "The Royal Wedding". The news casters and anchors were all giddy with excitement as if they themselves were getting married to the "Prince" or "Kate". I won't lie, for a moment or so i too got that twinkle in my eye while thinking about Kate, but then my "Dear"  wife knocked some sense into me via her "Death" stare.

As reported by the TV channels, this event was watched by over 2 billion viewers world wide, so this event got more viewers and coverage than then Tsunami and Earth quake in Japan. This goes to prove that most of the people in this world are shallow, and have nothing better to do with their time. I was browsing Facebook and came across an update which read "If i had a Gazillion f**ks in my right pocket and a Bajillion shits in my left pocket, i still wouldn't give a single one for the royal wedding". I was, to say the least, delighted to read this update because that was exactly what i felt. Because of my personal vendetta for the prince and the princess and the system of Kingdom, i hated everything about this wedding and everything that this wedding represented.

Real weddings aren't supposed to be this lavish or extraordinary because it makes "non royal peasants" like me feel inferior and crappy. And i can confidently predict that when the time comes, Bilawal Zardari will try to one up Prince William by getting married in a more Royal and Lavish way, just because he can on our money. And this won’t just stop here, all the remaining Kingdoms in the world would follow this tradition of Royal Weddings as well and that too on the expense of their people.  

The media seems to have conveniently forgotten that the last high profiled Royal Wedding ended in a divorce, with one partner dying a tragic death and the other one ended up marrying an ugly old chimp. The Royal wedding getting a chunk of coverage from the BBC and other UK based news channels was understandable but seeing our media going head over heels for the same was beyond comprehension. Why should we publicly accept the fact that we are lame and have nothing better to do with our on air time and space. Would anyone our National or otherwise events ever receive the same on air importance in the UK? Sadly the only royal treatment that we as Pakistanis could ever get is a Royal tongue lashing or the privileged of getting royally fu**ed.

A Legend Living No More

I just cannot believe it, its something not worth believing, how can this be? Moin Akhter Sahab is no more. Innalillah-e-wa-ina-ilaihay- rajaioon. Rest in peace Moin Sahab. You were way, way ahead of your time and you left the classy element of the entertainment industry orphaned, way, way before you ever should have. I am in no way doubting or questioning god's judgement but it hurts, it really does and hurts makes you complain and question.

I am asking myself only one question, why do the corrupt politicians get to live long lavish lives and people like Moin Akhter leave us so soon? Unlike the lot of current, corrupt politicians, the life of Moin Sahab mattered to so many people. He was the beacon of light for so many artists both struggling and established. Like so many others members of my generation, i too grew up watching the marvelous acts of Moin Akhter and every time i saw him on screen i instinctively knew that it was something good, something classy, and something worth watching. Whether it was a show where he was carrying the responsibility of anchoring, a drama serial or a talk show, Moin Akhter made it worth watching.

2011 has already been a devastating year for the entire world with the earthquakes and the tsunami, and nature chose 22nd April to deliver another fatal blow to Pakistan in the form of taking away Moin Akhter. But i would like to point of another tragedy in the making known as Anwer Maqsood. Anwer Maqsood and Moin Akhter were like the two sides of a coin, inseparable in every aspect. I don't know how Anwer Maqsood Sahab will cope with the sad demise of his beloved but i do know one thing, special attention needs to be diverted towards Anwer Maqsood before god forbid, we lose him too. I know that he is among the fortunate few people that knew Moin Akhter up-close and personal and that is why he is among the few that will suffer the full impact of this tragedy.     

I pray to Almighty that he grants Moin Akhter with the highest rewards for the good deeds done by him in his lifetime. Rest in Peace Moin Sahab, you might be gone, but you will never be forgotten.