Poetic Resignation

(Posted as received through a forwarded email)

The name is good, the brand is big
But the work I do is that of a pig

The work or the brand; what is my way?
I don’t know if I should stay.

To work, they have set their own way
Nobody will care to hear what I say

My will be NULL, they wont change their way
I don’t know if I should stay.

The project is in a critical stage
But to do good work, this is the age

This dilemma is killing me day by day
I don’t know if I should stay.

The money is good, the place is great
But the development is at a very small rate

Should I go for the work, or wait for pay
I don’t know if I should stay!

The managers don’t know what they talk
The team doesn’t know where they walk

That’s a bad situation, what say?
I don’t know if I should stay.

I can go to any other place
But what if I get the same disgrace

I can’t keep switching day by day
I don’t know if I should stay.

The -ves are more, the +ves are less
Then why have this unnecessary mess

No more will I walk their way,
It’s all done, I won’t stay.

Thanks & Regards
Hard Working Employee

Ahhh, The Cold War for a Damn Mobile

I recently went on an out of control shopping spree, and bought myself a new mobile/cell phone. The last time I did some impulsive shopping was more than 1 year ago when I had treated myself to a cell phone. Hey, don't start judging me, for a middle class Joe like me, buying a mobile is still a luxury purchase worth celebrating, but this time I had to buy one for my wife, but then the devil whispered some sweet poetry in my ears and I decided to keep the mobile for myself. Big mistake, I know now, and thus I unknowingly invited the silent, not speaking to you, door banging, cooking utensils clanking, poisonous sarcastic replies to simple everyday questions, wrath of my lovely and beloved wife.

Now the background story of why I was pushed into purchasing and listening to the devil, well one of the twins somehow threw my wife’s mobile out of our 4^th floor balcony without any warning. We only got to know what had happened when at the night my wife wanted to send a sms to one of her Saheli and the mobile was nowhere to be found. We searched high and low, through thick and thin, I even suggested lodging an FIR, to which she gave me a very pathetically degrading look which translates into “You are such a cheap ass” etc. I don’t know if she drugged me or I was talking in my sleep or something but to cut the story short I generously promised to get her a new mobile ASAP.

After a heated argument between me and my conscious, I finally gave in and went to Abdullah Haroon Road to buy a mobile. Since my purchase range, to put it politely was very limited, I went for the sleazily advertised Qmobile E900 SOAP. It was available in Black and White colors and I opted for the white and paid Rs=6500/= for it. I rejoiced on my way back to home, feeling very rich because of the purchase that I had just made.

The mobile is exactly what it is: a poor man’ touch screen phone, nothing more and nothing less. The camera takes sucky pictures and the video camera records videos that blow big time. It is being advertised as a 3 mega pixel camera when in reality it has a .3 mega pixel camera. I think they deliberately forgot to add the” .” before the 3. The touch operation is good except for the fact that sometimes unlocking it becomes a huge pain in the ass. I think there is a point on the screen which needs to be precisely pressed for the phone to unlock and this keeps you on your toes every time you try to unlock it. The screen is good with the brightness and contrast and responds well to the touch.

The sound player and the video player too are good, but the signal reception is shaky in crowded or underground areas. The sound quality too is good and the volume is not like other deafening Chinese phones (I was later told by someone that Qmobile is Korean or Taiwanese).The battery works very well when charged and keeps on working for at least 2 whole days. The yuckiest thing about this phone is the user manual which comes with it. It was supposed to be written in English but the writer though otherwise and wrote it in a language which appears to be English but fails miserably to make any sense.  

Since I was using the same phone for the past 1 something year, greed got the best of me and I decided to keep the phone for myself. Hey, don’t get me wrong, I am not an animal. I offered her to use my old mobile to which she politely told me to shove the phone where the sun don’t shine, figuratively speaking.  Fortunately for me she does not use curse words otherwise this would have been her exact reply.

So this was the start of the cold war which went on for some days after which one day I remembered when a couple of years ago I had to sell my mobile for some reason. After i sold my mobile my wife offered me her mobile which I then used for almost a year, during this whole time she was without a phone and she did not say a word about it. 

I started feeling guilty about the whole episode and she graciously accepted my apology and the phone, thus ending the war and start of a lovely dovey, happily married life once again. The End

 

And Miles To Go Before I Sleep

I have embarked on a new journey; I am off to discover new lands through uncharted waters. My latest expedition requires me to take on new roles in a very challenging but equally rewarding environment. My only hope is that my destination awaits me at the end of this voyage, and not another passage towards my purpose of being.

It has happened before, and I am afraid it will happen again. You know history has this god forsaken habit of repeating itself. Every time I felt I was near my goal, I found myself to be ages away. Every time I got the celebrations going, I ended up mourning myself, and my efforts. The path I have chosen to walk on unfortunately has no foot prints to help me on my way. I am alone, sometimes lost and at times right on target. The twists and turns are occasionally baffling, and sporadically justified.

I have built all the suspense and managed to stir some emotions in your, the reader’s mind, only to inform that I have left my previous company and have successfully migrated to another one. Damn those were some big words that I formally wrote and hence now I have to do something equally crazy and casual to satisfy my prehistoric, Neanderthal brain before it goes KABOOM!

My tiny brain is not equipped to handle serious situations or serious emotions. It is a collection of jokes, useless rants and musings, non sense making ideas and creativity that sucks and blows at the same time. For me creativity is not thinking out of the box, I refuse to acknowledge the existence of any such box, and I deny my involvement in its creation. I have never quite understood the concept of having a box and then thinking out of it. If you originally wanted to think out of the box than why did you choose to own it in the first place? It makes you look dumb and the box dumber, and people will undoubtedly doubt your creativity based on the choice of you having a box, and then opting to not use it to its fullest potential before blaming it for not being creative and stepping out of its boundaries.

In my thirty one years of existence I have observed children to be the most creative of all creations. Just yesterday I found my youngest daughter of 1 and a half year, in the bathroom lying on the tiles, enjoying the sensations coming from the wet floor during this cold season. For her, this was the height of creativity, since this was the first time she was doing something like this, and I as her father joined her to experience the joy she was enjoying and participate in the celebrations. My wife on the other hand wasn’t so thrilled by seeing all this and deemed us both as being crazy, typically in the same fashion as the world labels creative people as gone cases.

Fortunately for me my new job allows me the freedom to be creative, well not lying on the bathroom floor creative, but it does allow me to spread my wings and fall flat on my ass. Hopefully this time, this job manages to fuels my creative passions and channels my creative energies for a positive outcome.

SEO

For most people SEO is a short form of SEOUL or SEOUL spelled wrong, and that is the exact scenario in Pakistan. People who only have basic knowledge or no practical knowledge what so ever are branding themselves SEO Guru's and Pundit's, and the rest of the IT graduate herd are blindly following and happily  paying them for absolutely nothing. Well the so called, self proclaimed gurus, champions and pundits are making a fool of the students and that does require some effort on their part so i will retract my earlier sentence and rephrase it by saying the students are paying them to make a foll of themselves and a joke out of the SEO industry.

Never in the history of the I.T industry has more garbage ever amassed than the amount of trash which is being gathered and spread right now all in the name of teaching SEO. You see SEO is a very tricky business, and proper awareness is no where to be found. Basically SEO is all about content and the placement of content, keywords, titles etc. Since Google is armed and powered with all sorts of tools, you have to be a thorough professional and think things through while devising and implementing a SEO strategy for your website. Google can differentiate between good and bad, coped and original content. It knows grammar and has a vocabulary better than most of us. Now my question here is, if the content on your site is poorly written and poorly placed, how can you expect your website to rank high? When i see the self proclaimed SEO gurus and masters and read some supposedly insightful information written by them, more often that not there are grammatical, punctuation and spelling mistakes in it. Now since they are SEO gurus dont they know the value of content and the worth of a well written piece of text?

The web is littered with true and false information about SEO principles and techniques, but since SEO is more of an art and less of science, it requires creativity, quick wit, patience and writing good content skills. The aim to get a website high on rankings is a tough and time consuming job, it requires a lot of content, back links, a proper content placement strategy and constant observation or even spying on the competitors. Sadly our SEO gurus are too busy deceiving innocent young people and hence do not have the time to actually demonstrate all these elements through incorporating them into the curriculum that they offer to teach to the willing and sometimes plain old dumb students.I know it sounds harsh but the students are dumb since they do not bother to research and happily pay for something which they can easily learn right from the comfort of their own home, without paying anyone for anything.

But that does not mean everything in the SEO industry in Pakistan is bad, but because of these SEO jerks the competent SEO professionals have forced themselves to go into hiding since they do not want to be in the same spotlight with the self proclaimed champions, leaders and trendsetters of the SEO industry in Pakistan. So my advice for the SEO hopefuls would be to perform a complete research and background check first on the SEO principles and then on the SEO guru whom they wish to pay for nothing.

Apples are HARAAM (Forbidden), indeed

This true story was told to be by a friend of mine. It contains lessons of intelligence and logic, which are two very rare commodities in our world. It was told to me in Urdu and I am posting it in English, for the readers of my blog. So without further ado, let us get to the story:

One day a man (Tariq) was praying in a mosque when all of a sudden a strong stench of burning tobacco hit his smelling sensors. He turned around a saw a man of 40 something, getting ready to pray. Since there were only a few people at that time in the mosque, Tariq was certain that the centre of this nasty odor was this 40 something guy. Since Tariq could do nothing about it he went back to praying and concentrating on what’s more important, bowing down to the Almighty.

Soon after he heard a voice coming from the back row and turned to see that a young guy, in his mid twenty’s was greeting the smoker with the traditional Islamic greeting of Assalaam-o-Alaikum. The smoker replied and the young guy straight away in a blunt tone asked him, Sir, don’t you know that you are not allowed to offer prayers after doing something which is deemed Haraam in Islam? The smoker was a bit shocked and taken aback by this show of complete disrespect. The smoker surprisingly says, boy, watch your tongue, I did not do anything Haraam, to which the guy replies, sir, I don’t think you know but smoking is deemed Haraam in Islam. 

The smoker after hearing this from the guy gets infuriated and the arguments starts heating up. The smoker is visibly angry at the guy and says; show me one verse in the Quran which explicitly says that Smoking is Haraam and I swear I will quit this habit forever and for good. Just then the Muezzin announces the call to pray and the argument stops for a few minutes.

After the prayers were offered the guy turns to the smoker and says, sir ‘Smoking is as Haraam in Islam as eating Apples’. Now this blows the lid off the smoker and he raises his voice and says, boy who died and made you in charge of giving nonsense and Un-Islamic Fatwas. Who gave you the authority of declaring things Haraam, which were deemed Halal by Allah? It is because of people like you that Islam is suffering all over the world. I doubt that you are even a Muslim seeing that you think Apples are forbidden. The smoker was previously feeling a bit embarrassed because of all the unwanted attention but now was very happy thinking that he has cornered the guy and now this guy will get off his back for good.

The guy calmly lets the smoker speak, and then says, show me a verse in the Quran which explicitly deems Apples to be Halal and allows Muslims to eat it.

The smoker gets what the guy is getting at and smiles and says, well done boy, I promise I will try to quit this bad habit and also to avoid further embarrassment and the hands of a youth, from now onwards, I will avoid smoking before entering a mosque.

Karachi, a Synonym for Awesome

Some and i mean some of the things/people/places/activities which add to the awesomeness of Karachi are:

The dedication and vision of Syed Mustafa Kamal
The awe inspiring web of Flyovers
The Sleek Underpasses
Bugging shop keepers while window shopping at Tariq Road
But actually buying at Light House and Macchi Miyani
The hunt for bargains at Bohri Bazar and Gul Plaza
The guilty pleasure of dating at Bagh Ibn-e-Qasim
Spending quality family time at Safari Park
Traveling in the world famous W-11
Visiting history at Empress Market
The honorable presence of Abdul Sattar Edhi
Witnessing Miracles at the Shrine of Adbullah Shah Ghazi
Eying eye candies at Zamzama
Relaxing after a long day at Sea View
Forgetting the routine troubles of life via a Boat ride at Kemari
Satisfying Faluda cravings at Baloch Ice Cream
Juicing it up at Agha Juice
Shopping wholesale at Chhadi Lane
Paying respect at  Mazar-e-Quaid
Dealing with Karachi Police
The Grandeur of Jinnah Terminal
Searching for and buying automotive spare parts at Shershah and Ranchor Line
Meeting people of different backgrounds and ethnicity
Battling and surviving the traffic at M.A Jinnah Road
Studying while avoiding politics at Karachi University
Visiting and harassing Turtles at Turtle Beach on the night of a full moon
Thanking God for everytime for the easy availability of Pirated cheap copies of different software's at Rainbow Center
Devouring more than delicious food at burns road
Enjoying cool Gola Gandas at Dhora ji
The presence of historical churches and Mohatta Palace
The feeling of serenity while feeding the fish from native jetty bridge
Imagining freedom while feeding the pigeons at the Sindh Assembly round about
The look of Karachi and the way the Buildings look after it rains
Witnessing random acts of kindness by people from all walks of life
The naturally charitable nature of people of karachi who are forcefully labeled as being poor, when in fact they are the richest in the world in terms of humanity
And last but not the least because i live in Karachi

(The awesomeness of Karachi is by no means limited only to the above mentioned facts but this is all i could come up with)

Every one who lives in Karachi automatically qualifies as awesome by extension, a city with a never say die attitude, a city which is the mother of all cities in Pakistan, a city which is unfortunately no longer the city of lights but its heart still glows with the light of kindness and a caring nature which only a mother possesses and i want to end this piece of text on the note saying " I LOVE YOU MA, I LOVE MA KARACHI"

Programmed Excuses

Here are the top 25 excuses used by programmers, developed by programmers for the programmers.

1. Strange..., i took care of it already
   
2. It works fine on my machine.
3. I've never heard about that, must be a new technological innovation.
4. I swear it worked yesterday.
5. Well, nothing's perfect, so what if the program needs some fixing?.
6. How is this possible? Eureka, its a new discovery.
7. The machine seems to be broken, please order a new one.
8. Has the operating system been updated? (If the answer is in affirmative then the reply by the programmer always is "I told you not to let it update" and vice versa if the answer is in negative.
9. The ignorant user does not know how to use this and that has caused an error again.
10. The test data is not what it's supposed to be.
11. I did not develop that module! Check with the new guy.
12. Yes of course, the deadline will be met.
13. You have the wrong executable, again.
14. Oh, that is a feature i incorporated, not a bug.
15. It's almost as ready as it was 2 weeks ago.
16. I just have to do these small fixes, no biggies
17. It will be done in no time at all, don't you worry about a thing
18. It's just some bad mojo or unlucky coincidence, nothing wrong with the code.
19. I can't test everything, can i?
20. THIS will never do THAT.
21. Didn't I fix it already? Damn my memory is getting worse under too much work load.
22. I am already finished with that, all that remains is the testing.
23. It works here, not too sure about the live environment, needs more testing.
24. Somebody must have messed with my code.
25. There is a virus in the application software which causes malfunction.

My Condolences

The misguided anti Muslim, anti Islamic, anti Human, anti God, pro Lucifer, followers of Abu Jahal and Abu Lahab struck yet another disastrous and deadly blow to the nation and the ummah by attacking the shrine of Hazrat Abdullah Shah Ghazi (r.a) today. May the souls of the deceased rest in peace in Jannah, may the injured recover quick back to health and may the worshipers of the devil, perpetrators of such a heinous inhumane crime burn in the deepest darkest corner of Hell for eternity (ameen).

Mother Road

As i walk on the road of life heading towards my unknown destination predefined in the books of destiny, i can't help but wonder where are we heading as a nation? I mean we are a nation of people who are unnaturally attracted towards the road itself and the least bit bothered about the destination. Our fascination and fixation with the road began as soon as we chose to travel on the road to freedom in the August of 1947.

With the passage of time a sad road centric culture has unfortunately developed in our country. For example we record our protest on the road, we celebrate on the road, we take our frustrations out on the road, we express anger on the road, we throw garbage on the road, we spit on the road, we use the road as a latrine, we pray on the road, we burn tires and vehicles on the road, we fight on the road, we hold naming ceremonies for the road as if it was our own child, we rename the road as per our requirements, we rally on the road, we use the road as an income generating machine by digging and rebuilding it, we express joy on the road and often we use the road to travel from point A to B.

For us the road to happiness is the road itself, for our political parties the worst case scenario is having no M.A Jinnah Road to lead a protesting mob, for our small business owners the road provides ample opportunities to encroach and establish a business, for our police men the road provides for them "Bhatta" from the "Theas" and public transport buses, for the beggars a good spot on the road means a handsome monthly tax free income, for the homeless the road provides shelter, for the hungry the road has enough food to feed them and for our leaders the road is a perfect place to lie, cheat and steal.
 
Come to think of it the road is very much like our mother, it provides food, clothing and shelter for us and loves us unconditionally and we in-turn show our gratitude by hurting and destroying it whenever we feel like doing so similarly like we treat our real mother's. I hope our fascination with the road ends soon so we can focus and concentrate our energy on the things which are more important than using the road for our own demented personal objectives.

Funny People

Today i was stuck in a terribly bad traffic jam at Tibet Centre for about a painful hour or so.  Since i had nothing else to do besides inhaling toxic fumes coming from the buses, listening to the god-awful, psychologically torturing noise coming from the rickshaws and noticing how motorcycle riders will do anything to get passed the traffic jam by using the footpath as the 4th lane of traffic or by being a nuisance zigzagging in front of other cars, i diverted my attention from the fact that no matter what i do i will never get this hour of my life back which i spent slow poisoning myself by observing the doings of the people around me.

As i looked around searching and scanning the proximity for anything remotely interesting besides the Rickshaw driver next to me putting his hand under his kameez and enjoying the sensation of scratching his sweaty armpits and right after eating a samosa with the same hand, i noticed some commotion coming from a mini bus. A mini bus as we all know is always at the heart of exciting and intriguing chain of events so naturally i too rose from my seat to investigate the happenings currently under way in or should i say on the mini bus.

What i saw next was of course filled with irony but was also funny like nothing i had seen in the past couple of years. Two guys sitting on the roof of the mini bus had gotten into a fight and the rest of the roof dwellers were trying their best to stop them but were also trying their best to avoid falling off from the roof of the mini bus, which could later be reported by the leading news channels as synchronized failed suicide attempt by a group of people. The two guys both were in a very awkward position because of the limited availability of space and safety measures provided by the owner of the minibus so they were busy fighting while laying down in a fetal position both holding on to the legs of the other street fighting artist.

In the meanwhile the verbal battle continued on ferociously and i lost count of the women mentioned by name or by relation. When the roof crowd gave up on their efforts to stop the brawl, the driver had to get involved by standing on the entrance by which he enters the driving area and he started trying to somehow separate the two young guns from making a mockery of the sacred roof top of the minibus but he too failed to break the bond of anger and revenge between the two passengers from hell.

This went on for sometime and eventually two Rangers appeared from their mobile which was also stuck in the traffic jam and did the thing for which they are famous for. One ranger pulled the driver down, got up on the entrance and smacked both of the fighters silly. While the other ranger got on top of the roof and brought the guys down by their collars. Things would have gotten more interesting but sadly the traffic started moving and the rangers let them off the hook by giving stringent warnings and lecturing them about the code of conduct while traveling on the roof of a moving vehicle.

I have no doubt in my mind that something like this could only happen in Pakistan, not because of the people happily traveling on the roof of a public transport vehicle and paying the conductor to degrade them, i have seen similar scenes in India where people commute via a train's rooftop but a fight on the roof is our monopoly, only we are this fearless, no other nation or country compares or comes remotely close.

Long live Pakistan, the land of Fierce, Fearless Hearts and long live our transport system for giving a platform to our star fighters to make their debut Nationally .(no pun or sarcasm intended, i seriously mean it)

Death Detergent

A while back I read or heard someone say "Death is only the beginning" and I had trouble understanding this theory. But as time passed not only did I start understanding but I also started to agree with this philosophical statement. Case in point the recent murder of a famous political figure in London, I am not naming names well for obvious reasons, number 1 I like to be alive and number 2, I would like to continue living in Karachi since I do not have dual nationality.

The modern judicial system of our world can be summarized in just one sentence, "Innocent until proven guilty" but what about the people who chose not to face the allegations laid against them in the court of law and instead opted to hide and take exile in some foreign country? Shouldn’t the verdict be then, "Guilty until proven innocent"? I wouldn't be writing this piece of text is the deceased had chosen to face all the allegations laid against him in the court of law, cleared his name and then opted to take exile or did whatever he wanted to do with his life. I am not saying or implying that the deceased was rightly accused for all the things written in his charge sheet but again only if he had decided to rid his good name of all those charges he would have received a lot more applauses and titles during his lifetime not only from his own political party but from his rival political figures too.  

Sadly like with many other non sense making elements being forcefully embedded in our society and social culture death is fast becoming an easy shortcut for many to get their name embellished in gold and cover all the traces of the despicable deeds committed by them, if any, during their life time. 

The recent London incident goes to prove that Death is the best detergent available to wash away all the stains of corruption, lawlessness and all the other brands of crime. This isn't the first time that death has intervened and cleared someone of his/her deeds by taking away the soul and leaving the mortal body to rot in the grave. Rehman Dacoit is still remembered by many as the modern day Pakistani Robin Hood. If he had been successfully apprehended and produced before the judiciary and then handed the punishment for his wrong doings this Robin Hood and Savior status could have been prevented from going to him and consequently many youths who now idolize him and want to be like him would have seen the other side of the coin. Eventually every one of us has to die and face our maker but I hope my life would itself prove enough to uphold my name long after I have been buried and made food for the grave critters. I wouldn't want to live a life of crime and wait for my unfortunate demise and then be called a "Shaheed" for reasons unknown to everybody.

Once again I will take a famous slogan of a famous brand of detergent and use it for my own good by twisting it into saying, "Death to achi hoti hai".

Eid Mubarak

Farewell Ramazan Kareem, a time of abstinence, a time of refrain, a time for divine blessings and a time of receiving joy and bounties, farewell. It's time for Eid now, the time to smile, be happy and the time to let the happiness shine through. I would like to specially convery Eid greetings to the flood IDP's and the brave mother of the two brothers of Sialkot who are now a symbol of human brutality and mob cowardliness. The news of the perpetrators of this heinous crime being successfully apprehended and convicted brings some much needed joy on this otherwise flood drenched Eid.

This Eid is not like the previous eids celebrated by us us a nation and as muslim's. Back in 2005 we found the courage to halt all festivities in honor and in favor of the Earth Quake victims and effectees and this year we will show complete solidarity sharing the same sentiments for our flood affected brothers and sisters. Knowing that the nation is wholeheartedly participating in helping the victims is in fact Eid in itself. Congratulation Pakistan and Pakistanis for showing the world, shutting them up and ending all speculations about us being a divided and patriotically dead herd of sheep rather than a nation. We are a nation and will insha ALLAH remain a proud, mentally, ethically, morally and religiously glued nation. Let us also hope that this eid somehow brings another miracle with itself, a miracle which will cure our corruption plagued leaders, will end all political bigotry and will also end the epic but utter rubbish cat-fight between the judiciary and the government.

Suicide Blogger

Have you ever thought about what would happen if bloggers were brainwashed into becoming extremist, fundamentalist terrorist's?.What harm, pain and suffering would they be able to inflict on the common man and to what extent? Now using or misusing various modern day acronyms i will try to paint a scenario where blogs and bloggers are humanity's worst nightmare and are considered to be public enemy number 1:

A News Caster on CNN breaking the following news:
TBP = Tehreek-e-Bloggeraan Pakistan an offshoot of Afghani Bloggers claims responsibility for the deadly verbal attack in Karachi.

President Bush vows to take a strong stance against the Axis of Adjectives

The CIA submits its reports on finding Sentences of mass destruction in Iraq to the Congress

We fear that Noun Weapons and Verb Bombs could fall into the wrong blogger's hands in Pakistan: President Obama

Saddam Hussain has warned that if America decides to invade Iraq, it would take him just one click to update his blog and unleash the fury via RSS feeds

According to our overseas correspondent in Afghanistan Wordpress Umar is the spiritual commander of the Afghan Bloggers and Blogspot Mehsud is the leader of Tehreek-e-Bloggeraan Pakistan both sharing a common bond and love of a mutual target, to beat the infidel's blog in back links and securing the top spot in search results

Al-Qontent is the extremist element in the ranks of the Afghan bloggers which is held responsible for the epic demise of the fundamentalist afghan blogger regime. Al-Qontent is accused for carrying out various Black Hat SEO techniques on numerous blogs causing the Page Rank of the said blogs to tumble down: APP Sources

Osama dustbin Laden is the chief blogger and Ayman az Zawahiri is the official editor and proof reader of Al-Qontent

The captured blogger has disclosed valuable information regarding his training as a Suicide Blogger, when asked about the training he said, during my training i was taught how to use alphabets to assemble words and sentences and how to use them in a deadly and ferocious way to cause maximum psychological damage whenever the text comes in contact with the human eyes and as well as physical damage through paper cuts if someone was to print my block of text on a piece of paper.

The Diabolical Diaper

It has been a little more than 3 years since god graciously awarded me the status of being a father, a care taker and a mentor. The first attempt of me trying to be a dad fetched me a wonderful package of love, cuteness and heavenly blessings in the form of a daughter and i think because somehow i managed to do an OK job with loving, caring for and raising her i caught god's attention and he decided to give me a bonus for doing my job in the form of twins, a boy and a girl. The twins are now 14 months old and are more than a handful but i would not have it any other way since the joy they have brought me compares with nothing, absolutely nothing that the world has to offer partially or in its entirety.

During my time as a father i observed that the ridiculously expensive side of being a father is buying diapers, worrying about diapers and arranging for a back up stock all the time. It would not be wrong on any level to say that the diaper industry is shitty business, your pay every time your kid takes a dump or leak. Who knew you can earn from shit produced by kids but the diabolical diaper people are making a fortune off of it the world over.

Sadly enough as with every other necessity and luxury coined as necessity the price of diapers too has skyrocketed over the years and i am left with this thought occupying my mind every time i see my kids making funny and weird faces during their poo process, man their shit is getting expensive and its my money practically going down the drain and i am left to watch it nay endure it every time, over and over again. Come to think of it, i am taking a butt lot of shit from my boss to earn a living only to spent it on my kids who only give a crap about it in return.

In the old days it was a joy and an achievement to see your kids getting potty trained but now it has become a financial necessity too to get them off the damn diaper and on to the potty since its getting harder for me by the minute to afford their crap, no pun intended. The strange thing is that it seems like kids are hooked on diapers, i mean my wife uses cloth home made diapers too but the darn kids refuse to deposit their business in it but as soon as she puts a diaper on them they start delivering and man can they deliver. Well i can take some solace in the fact that they fill the diaper all the way up to its limits leaving me with a sense of money well spent or Paisa Wasool.

Now coming on to the modus operandi of the diaper manufacturers, they make all sort of nice ads, sometimes offering humanitarian aid along the way, some what colorful packaging and all sorts of benefits, catchy names and what not only to encourage the consumer to buy their made to handle shit product, that's right, there is no nicer of way saying it or putting it in any other words. They also offer ass wipes with a in your face attitude, keep wiping not only your kid's behind but also your money. The ass wipes might make my babies behind as soft as a baby's behind but for me they are like sand papers, coarse and unforgiving.

The brand of diapers that i buy are named Pearl, now if that's not adding insult to injury i don't know what is. A pearl does not and will never contain human feces so why is it named so? I can come up with no other rubbing it my face reason except for because for them it contains the earning potential of a real pearl.

I would like to warn the diaper manufacturers of the dire consequences if they do not take it easy on middle class working Joes like me and reduce prices of the poo holding devices known as diapers manufactured and proudly marketed by them through the lyrics of the song sung by sting because well it stings, my warning should not be taken lightly and it reads as follows:

Every dump my kids take
Every poo they make
Every single day
Every time i pay
I'll be cursing you, diaper jerks

Zardari Demotivational Pics

Following are some of my half hearted, semi intelligent attempts at seeing the humor in the devastating situation and chain of events surrounding us because of our half assed understanding to demand "freedom" for stupid behavioral antics both as a nation and as an individual . I hope we can find a route of escape from the harsh reality looking us right in our eyes, everyday taunting us, challenging us, by saying " Bite Me"

Bosses and their Types

Just got this in a forwarded email and found it worth sharing

The Climber

The Social Director

Our Hero

The Hatchet Man

The Propeller Head

The Lost Lamb

The Visionary

The Bureaucrat

The Fogey

The Dictator

Fresh from the cellar

There is a lot of hoo hah over the president's latest visit to UK and France. My sources have managed to get the inside scoop of what really went on during the official talks between our President and the Prime minister of UK. The following transcript details the conversation between Cameron and Zardari:

Cameron: Welcome to UK Mr President, i hope you enjoy your stay here
Zardari: Show me the money

Cameron: Mr President, Pakistan needs to stop supporting terrorists and what not
Zardari: I love the smell of freshly printed money

Cameron: Mr President, we are aware of the flood devastation and we will do everything to help Pakistan
Zardari: Oh yes flood, need lots of money, lots and lots of money to launch Bilawal

Cameron: Mr President, we need to be sure that the aid will not be misused.
Zardari: Benazir was murdered and you are worried about the aid being misused, if she would have been alive today, there would be no flood to begin with

Cameron: I understand your feelings but...
Zardari: Pound Khappay, Euro Khappay, Dollar Khappay

Cameron: I am sorry, i did not get that
Zardari: My children are without a mother, i was in the jail for eleven long years, i need the money

Cameron: But what does that have to do with Pakistan's current scenario?
Zardari: Money, money money, must be funny, in the rich man's world

Cameron: Mr president, i want you to know that i firmly stand by what i said while i was in India
Zardari: Who gives a shit, give me the money

Cameron: Mr President, we will need to make sure that the aid reaches the flood affected people and does not get looted
Zardari: Our soldiers and people of Pakistan are dying everyday in the war on terror and i am not getting enough money for it, no system only free money

Cameron: Mr President, the people of Pakistan are dying without proper, food shelter and basic necessities and you are here enjoying a vacation?
Zardari: To make money you need to spend some money and i am here spending Pakistan's money to make some money for myself, whats wrong with that?

Cameron: Ok Mr President, happy independence day in advance
Zardari: Thank you, It has been like two something years and i was thinking of getting married again, what do you think about me and Sarah Palin?

Cameron: No, I meant Pakistan's Independence day
Zardari: Pakistan Independent!!!, yeah right

Candidate from Hell

If I was to honestly answer all the HR questions asked during an interview i imagine it would go something like this:

(The characters and events depicted in this article are fictional except for me being genuinely awesome, and any resemblance to persons living, dead, or fictional or situations past, present, or fictional is purely and completely coincidental.)

Q1) Why did you apply for this job?

(This question pissed me off because it fails to make sense to me plus the HR guy was kind of giving me attitude and consequently i was fuming the entire time during my interview)

My Reply: Were you born stupid or life did this to you? Obviously i want to earn big bucks that's why i am here, jackass.

Q2) Why do you want to work for this company?

My Reply: Because i am awesome and i want to give a once in a life time opportunity to this particular company to be awesome by extension

Q3) Why should I hire you?

My Reply: What kind of a retarded, redundant question is this, didn't you hear me answer your previous question

Q4) What would you do if we hire you?

My Reply: Sit on my ass and look dashing all day, talk the talk and avoid any actual work, indulge in politics full time, create chaos and havoc amongst other employees, demoralize and harass them and make them feel insecure about their abilities and doubt their existence etc etc

Q5) What is your biggest strength?

My Reply: My Biceps pumping max power into my wrist while serving a five knuckle sandwich to jokers like you whenever they open their stinking Mithai hole

Q6) What is your biggest weakness?

My Reply: A swift kick to my nut sack

Q7) What was your worst mistake, and how did you learn from it?

My Reply: Coming here today for an interview, and i learned that buffoons like you should always be kept away from society

Q8) What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of?

My Reply: Made my boss cry on more than one occasions

Q9) Describe a challenge you faced and how you overcame it?

My Reply: I was required to work 9 hours a day, 5 days a week. I messed up the entire attendance system so i only worked 7 hours a day and the system marked my working hours as 10

Q10) Why did you leave/ are you leaving your last job?

My Reply: Company no longer allows me the freedom to work naked and according to the female employees this has made their lives a living hell

Q11) What do you want from this job?

My Reply: The less i work the more respect, appreciation and financial rewards i get

Q12) What are your career goals and how do you plan to achieve them?

My Reply: Looking forward to being the C.E.O of the company i work for and for that will do everything to inflict pain and stress on the current CEO until he suffers a life ending stroke or goes insane, whichever happens first

Q13) How Did you hear of our company and what do you know of us?

My Reply: I heard about the CEO being a good humanitarian and decided to misuse his goodness for my personal agendas

Q14) What is the salary expected and how do you justify that?

My Reply: Well me being born awesome is more than enough to render the justification argument invalid and since no amount of money compares to how epic I am, i can consider letting your company hire a legendary figure such as myself, if the company agrees to make me a partner in profit only and agrees to bear the burden of loss by itself.

In my mind i imagine i got the job and after sometime replaced the current CEO and then lived happily ever after and oh yes after my interview was over the HR guy had this look of astonishment and amazement kind of like he was shocked, lost or something so i bitch slapped him a couple of times thus ending his pathetic little existence.

Dear John

Advice given by a Man's Man



 This is a perfect example of Men and their extra ordinary, sometimes abnormal love for their cars and everything involving an engine and engineering

Dear God

The past few days have been devastating for Pakistan and the people of Pakistan. From the gruesome killing of Mian Arshad, the only son of Iftikhar Hussain to the flood in Khyber Pakhtunkhua it seems like its Pakistan’s turn to face a number of sudden unpleasant chain of surprises. We weren’t done mourning over the tragedy of Data Darbar yet and here we are holding on to our hearts in remembrance of the unfortunate demise of the people aboard Air Blue's flight. What’s happening with us, why all of a sudden so many tear-filled tidings and occurrences? I hope it’s not what I think it is, the countdown for us is over, the time limit has been exceeded and our number has been called.


Oh Almighty we know we were busy cutting a cake for Zardari Sahab on his birthday when Mian Arshad was brutally murdered,

Oh Almighty we know we were busy ordering Bullet proof vehicles so we were not able to compensate the families of the victims of Data Darbar massacre,

Oh Almighty we know we were busy in plotting out our next political move when the Air Blue plane crashed,

Oh Almighty we know we were thinking of new ways of corruption when people were begging to be saved from the devastation caused by floods in Khyber Pakhtunkhua

Oh Almighty we know we were busy overeating and wasting valuable food when people were killing their children and committing suicide because of hunger

Oh Almighty we know we were stealing from the aid received for the displaced survivors of the catastrophic 2005 earth quake instead of helping them

Oh Almighty we know we have wrongfully abducted and imprisoned several people just because of some measly dollars,

Oh Almighty we know we were bickering and fighting over water and hence you sent down a flood to resolve our petty issues,

Oh Almighty we know we are guilty of hoarding when you blessed us with abundance,

Oh Almighty these are but just a few things that we are truly ashamed of, you know best how long the list is, Oh dear god please, please forgive our sins, like you have in the past. Do not be hasty in punishing us, deal with us with mercy and not with justice. We know we have wronged ourselves and others but please we beg you Oh the only great one, please grant us another opportunity to do good onto us and onto others. Please give us another chance to repent, to mend our ways and to prove ourselves worthy of forgiveness by helping humanity. (Ameen)