Remix This!!!!

Vacancy Announcement

A scantily clad, desperate for recognition/attention, willing to do anything to get a little of  her face and a lot of other private parts on T.V, skank is needed for a remix video. Girls with little or no self esteem, suicidal tendencies due to inferiority complex should immediately send in their Portfolios ( nude or at least revealing is preferred) to give us a chance to get into their pants vis-a-vis on the casting couch. To apply, your age must be above 18 and below 25, no fatty's please, the less experienced the better so freshers are strongly encouraged to apply,  send in your pretend "Resumes" ( indicating your age, height, weight and moral ethics) to me@gettingsometail.com. We do not discriminate on the basis of ethnicity, color, race or language. But we do discriminate where it matters the most, Men are strictly not allowed, not even crazy gay ones, Feminists are not welcome at all, Conservative goody two shoes need not apply and Sentimental bitches with STD's, stay the hell away from us.

This is how i picture the ad given by Indian producers and directors of remix videos whenever they are about to commit debauchery by taking a rare, classic master piece and beating the soul out of its melody by "remixing" it.

So you want to recycle something old  into something new by adding some modern touches and spices, OK go forth, but why the heck do you insist on insulting the artists and composers who made the original by shooting a trashy, D-Grade, obscenely vulgar video of that song. Isn't it enough that you have robbed the creator of his creation and made a fool of the genius who created the original? but No, you go one step forward and kill the audio appeal along with its visual appeal as well, all in the name of  pepping it up.

Just because you think that you have some talent doesn't necessarily mean its true. I firmly believe that DJ this and DJ that who are thought of as the masters of remixes are actually anything but musicians, just because i know how to hold a cricket bat does not make me a batsman, similarly knowing how to play a musical instrument does not make any one a musician let alone capable of having the talent to monkey with a classic set of musical notes.

I know Mother Earth needs us to Recycle but in the case of Recycling music, i bet Mother Nature would feel a lot better if we decide not to Recycle at all and let the Polluted old music live.

Zardari Facts

After Chuck Norris and Rajnikanth, here are some fresh facts about Zardari:

Zardari can even rob a man with no money
Zardari can multiply by zero and produce a number greater than zero
Zardari can sell you a piece of land on Mars
Zardari can make sugar taste bitter
Zardari can make anyone a bhutto
Zardari can get away with murder
Zardari can tell an absolute truth and make it sound like a complete lie
Zardari can make money without doing any business
Zardari can deceive the Devil
Zardari can teach the devil new tricks
Zardari public toilets were once made, the problem was they just wouldn't stop overflowing with shit
Zardari can be used as a new term for getting mobbed (Dude 1 : Man i got zardarid on my way back from office. Dude 2: That's so sad)
Zardari can be used as a new term for money laundering ( Jury: We find the defendant guilty of zardari. Judge: I sentence you to 20 years of imprisonment)
Zardari can be used as a brand ambassador for corruption
Zardari can control the flow of money (out of the pockets of others to his own)
Zardari can hug the Alaska out of Palin
Zardari can ask for a donation, at a beggars convention
Zardari is wrongly quoted as being the 5th Richest Person in Pakistan, when in fact he is the richest
Zardari can bug the living bejesus out of Chief Justice
Zardari can make the fake hair on Nawaz Sharif's head fall off
Zardari can bring the dead back to life, whenever he visits the cemetery the dead people run away to save their bones from being stolen

These were but just some of the facts i managed to think of about Zardari, Readers addition are most welcome.

Who let the Englishmen Out?

Is the only question that comes to mind when we look back at the finals of the T20 world cup. Collingwood must have burned a lot of midnight wood to motivate and carve his team into deserving champions.

Right from the go of the tournament the English team looked and behaved like clones of Kevin Peterson, Fintoff and Collingwood, all pumped up, excited, focused and take no shit from no one policy. To take on the mighty Kangaroos proved too tough for all the teams, all hopeful in the beginning and returning in a hopeless situation from the ground after the match was over.

Australia practically molested the talent out of every team they faced, but when it came to England, the Aussies weren't able to team bang the victory out of them.

England came prepared, all stone faced, cool attitude and with a chastity belt on every player which prevented the Aussie players from doing any hanky panky with the English playboys.  The Australian wild horses pace attack was finally tamed by the not so Wild West English team. Not only did they tame it, but rode the ego out of those wild horses in their victory lap.

The England attack led by Kevin Peterson and Kieswetter proved to be more than a nuisance to contain and finally Australia surrendered their unholy urges to repeat the nasty with England that they did with every team they faced during the tournament. Here I feel I should say something nice about Kieswetter, but what can I do, his name is just too damn inviting insult,  ridicule and pun funny. It sounds like a kinky fetish involving keys, locks and a whole lot of nasty and naughty. He must have had a very tough and tormenting childhood and his school and college days worst when compared with any nightmare in the world.

In all the years of Cricket, never have i seen faces glowing with pride and smug, like the way the faces of the T20 Champions were.A truly deserving feast for the eyes is when you see a working hard and working intelligent, deserving to win team actually win. The one and only logical question which comes to mind now is was the English Team celebrating their victory in the T20 Tournament or were they instinctively celebrating their win in the 2011 World cup as the world champions? We'll have to wait and watch for this eye candy.

Now since the English team is finally Out of it's Misery and Proud, who will put them back in the closet and close the flood doors opened by them? I sincerely hope NO ONE.

Facebook or Facadebook?

The hate loving race of Super Morons are at it again and this time they have decided to use facebook as their weapon of mass anger. The simple question here is what are they aiming to achieve by doing all this? Is it fame, fortune or just the thought of angering the much docile Muslims enough to motivate them to perpetrate a heinously blasphemous act like this. They are doing this in the name of freedom of speech and as a reaction to Comedy Central’s decision to censor an episode of South Park with depictions of Prophet Muhammad [PBUH].

But is it really considered Freedom of Speech if your speech hurts, demeans or belittles a particular group, people or race? I beg to differ. The United States is protected by the First Amendment to the United States Constitution and by many state constitutions and state and federal laws.

There are exceptions to these general protections, including the Miller test for obscenity, child pornography laws, speech that incites imminent danger, and regulation of commercial speech such as advertising.

Even if the concept of Freedom of Expression and Speech is not clear to some dumb retards, why is it that the K.K.K are disliked and banned? They are just expressing what they feel is right. Why are people forced to accept Holocaust as a reality and denying it is considered as a crime in many countries, if i choose to believe that there was no such thing as holocaust, I would be promptly labeled as a Jew hating Maniac.

Muslims all over God's green earth have every right to protest against this insane behavior of some individuals who just want to incite Muslims into doing something terrifyingly BIG. And if any such thing happens the world as we know it will once again blame the Muslims and launch war on terror version 2.0.

Facebook itself on the other hand is doing its part in supporting this nasty, worthless cause. Even after Facebook received least 35,000 abuse reports (i can bet my life that the numbers must be quadrupled by now) it very conveniently decided to ignore it all when it is on record that Facebook banned a Anti Semitic Page with-in 20 minutes of its reporting by Jews.

Facebook is governed under its Terms of Services. Item 3.7 of Facebook TOS says “You will not post content that: is hateful, threatening, or pornographic; incites violence; or contains nudity or graphic or gratuitous violence” but on this occasion Facebook itself is violating its TOS and for what? A cause as worthless as a pile of shit resting beneath 500 feet of Rock-bottom resting on top of a 1000 layers of disgusting crap.

Many Muslim countries have already banned that page or facebook altogether along with other social media websites, and almost all the Muslim users except for the lame liberal losers have already deactivated their accounts on facebook or will not use facebook on the 18th, 19th and 20th May as a means to record their protest against the sick twisted, double standard policy of facebook and that is the most right and honorable thing to do given the current circumstances. If facebook had chose to act diligently and ban the crap out of that sad little pathetic page in the early days this entire scenario could have been easily avoided.

I have already deactivated my account by giving facebook the finger along with this message:

I am deactivating my account to record my protest against the double standard policies of facebook. An Anti Semitic page gets removed immediately but a page insulting and committing blasphemy against the greatest personality known to mankind Muhammad (S.A.W.W) goes unnoticed and continues to spread hatred against Muslims all over the world. This has to end and we will make it end now.

The WEB GIANT known as Facebook needs to be taught the age old lesson now, the BIGGER you are, the HARDER you fall.

Messing with Celine Dion

Every night in my dreams
I design you, I develop you
That is how I know the project will go on

Far across the frame works
And the languages between them,
The requirements keep going on and on

Near, far, however connected you are
I believe that the internet goes on
Once more you open the source
To review and Audit my code
That is how I know the project will go on

A Beta version launches just one time
And can last for a long time
And never let go till the client's gone

Leadership was when I led you
One true time I ruled you
In that time the Design Patterns went on

Near, far, however connected you are
I believe that the internet goes on
Once more you open the source
To review and Audit my code
That is how I know the project will go on

The Support team is here, there's nothing I fear
And I know that the hacking attempts will go on
We'll stay forever behind a virus scanner
You are safe on my protected Rom's
And that's how I know the project will go on and on

Shattered Dreams

What can i say about today's match, we all saw everything that went down happening live. Yet again, the thought of a victory over Australia proved to be nothing more than a mirage, an image which the brain forcibly creates and deceives the eyes into seeing but in reality it just does not exist. I now realize that cricket has evolved into a science, its not just a game anymore and the Aussie team is made up of researchers, physicians, surgeons and engineers, all the time, every time ready, willing and able to revive their team back to a state of victory regardless of the situation.

We had rightly prepared ourselves for the onslaught of the Aussie pace attack but we were left perplexed when it came to White and Hussey. Damn you, never say die, positively optimistic, run scoring machine Hussey, I hate you. I hate you for not giving up, I hate you for believing in yourself, I hate you for your hard work and dedication, I hate you for performing under a million Newton tons of pressure and I hate you for making everything wrong that Pakistan did right. I hate you for making the green grease on Umar Akmal's lips look bad, I hate you for taking you optimism out on the poor cricket ball and hitting is so hard that it went out of the ground three times in the last over consecutively, I hate you for kangaroo punching us, I hate you for bullying us but I hate you most for not letting us through to the finals even though we were the most deserving, two match winning, absolutely fantastic example of a dedicated cricket team.

Who the frick do you think you are Hussey? You were supposed to let your hopes die after white got out. After watching your performance it felt like determination and dedication had an abnormal child and named him Michael Hussey. You sir are abnormal, because normal people throw in the towel when the going gets too tough and the pressure seizes the brain from functioning. I hope your abnormal ass career dies a conspiracy engulfed, terribly horrific, politically motivated death. 

We painstakingly managed to reach the semi's on the basis of charity left behind by the other teams, but sadly there wasn't any more left lying around to propel us into the finals.

I applaud Pakistan for finally showing some class and a fighting spirit, but i guess it was too little to late. Unfortunately for me, I find myself in a very sad situation where I have to bow my head to the greatness of the Kangaroos and hang my head in shame because that’s the only logical thing left to do.

P.S, after writing down my thoughts and re reading them i could not help but feel that something was missing and finally i realized what it was, i forgot to elaborate on Umar Akmal and his green lips. so here's something from me to Umar Akmal, i apologize to the old guy on American idol for messing with his self created every lasting melody which coincidentally is the best thing to come out of this season of American Idol: 

Grease on the lips, grease on the lips, YO lookin like a fool with the grease on your lips

Stupid, Strict Translations

Following are some strictly literal Urdu to English Translations of commonly used sentences and famous movie dialogues :

• Lalay, Naukri kar, Ghulami na kar
• Pathan's son, job do, slavery no do
•  
• Chotay, Chai la
• Junior, tea get
• 
  
• Tamatar kaisay diay?
• Tomatoes how give
• 
  
• kuch kam to karo
• some less to do
• 
  
• Bade bade desho mein aisi chhoti chhoti baatein hoti rehti hein.
• Big Big Countries in this small small things happening
• 
  
• Don ka intzaar to gyarah mulko ki police kar rahi hai Sonia, Lekin itna jan lo ki DON ko pakadna mushkil hi nahi, na mumkin hai.
• Don for waiting eleven countries police Sonia, but this know DON to arrest difficult not only impossible is
• 
  
• Mohabbat bhi zindagi ki tarah hoti hai, har mod aasan nahi hota, har mod par khushi nahi milti.... Par jab hum zindagi ka saath nahi chodte to hum mohabbat ka saath kyon chhode."
• love too life is like, every turn easy not, every turn on happiness not get... but when we life along not let go then we love along why let go
• 
  
• Tum soch rahi hogi ki main yeh race kyo haar gaya. Main yeh race tumhare liye har gaya. Tumhi ne kaha tha na ki mere dad ke saamne ye iki, riki, piki sab fail ho jaate hai. Kabhi-kabhi kuch jitne ke liye kuch haarna padta hai Aur haar kar jitne wale ko Baazigar kehte hai.
• You thinking that me this race why lost. i this race for you lost, you only said no that my father in front this iki, riki, piki everything fails. Sometime sometime some winning for some lose have to and lost after winning is Baazigar called
• 
  
• Mogambo khush hua
• Magambo happy is
• 
  
• AAJ ....aaj ek zindagi aur jeelo .aaj ek hasin aur baathlo, aaj ek sapna aur dekhlo , aaj ek aason aur peelo
• Today... today one life more live. Today one smile more spread, today one dream more see, today one tear more drink
• 
  
• Yeh bacchhon ke khelne ki cheez nahi, haath kat jaaye toh khoon nikal aata hai.
• This kids for playing for thing not, hand cut if then blood out comes is.
• 
  
• Mooche ho to Nathulal jaise ho….warna na ho
• Mustache have like Nathulal like have... otherwise not have
• 
  
• Sara saher mujhe lion ke naam se jaanta hai
• Whole city me lion name knows
• 
  
• Police ne tumhe charon taraf se gher liya hai – apne aap ko kannon ke haawale kar do
• Police have your four directions from surrounded have - yourself you law to surrender to
• 
  
• Chalti Ka Naam Gadi
• Moving is named car
•  
• Mere Paas Maa Hai
• I near mother is
•  
• Arrey oh sambha kitney admi they
• O yee Sambha how many men were
•  
• Chal Dhano! Aaj teri Basanti ki izzhat ka saawal hai
• walk dhanno! today your basanti of  respect for question is
•  
• Hum jaha pe khade ho jaate hein, line wahi se shuru hoti hai
• we where standing, queue there begins from
• 
  
• Rishtey main to hum tumhare baap lagte hain magar naam hai Shenshah
• Relation in I your father am but name is Shehshah
• 
  
• Kanoon ke haath bahut lambe hote hain
• Law of hands lot long has
• 
  
• Basanti in kutto ke samne mat nachna
• Basanti these dogs in front of not dance

As always more to come soon

Some Do's and Dont's of Online Dating

Anyone who says online dating is a good way to find your soul mate is a lying retard and a loser. If you are online trying to find your significant other it only means that you have gone past rock bottom and are destined to live your life alone and die a loner's death. Honestly if you weren't such a woman repeller your family or friends might have succeeded in getting you married in a arranged way or you yourself might have successfully struck the right chord with someone already, and since you have not, it doesn't take rocket science to predict the happenings in the future of your non existent love life. I know you are one stubborn son of a gun and are bent upon making someone miserable for the rest of their life, so here are some do's and dont's of online dating.

DON’T be a Poser
The info highway is cramped with losers like you so stop pretending that you are not. Just be you lame self and someone might actually, even out of pity give you a second thought. The person on the other side of the monitor is just as big a loser as you are so why pretend?

Post your own Face
Be true to yourself and your creator and post your own pics, no matter how terribly fugly they might be. Posting fake pictures is considered as a shenanigan and will get you no where (like you are going places). Remember even negative publicity is a form of publicity itself so if a flattering picture can attract eyes, so can a butt ugly one. And one more thing, no risque photos, if no body wants to see your face, showing them your private parts will not win them over.

The First Step
Don't start your communications with a big whiny statement. Stop draining energy from the person you are communicating with by boring them with your sad stories, nobody wants to listen to the pathetic stories concerning your past or your life altogether. Be positive, but not HIV positive. I know being positive is not your thing but you can at least try. Don't be afraid to fail, if it doesn't work out don't admit to being a loser, call her a skank and move on to the next one.

DON’T be too Desperate
You might not be familiar with what a woman's touch feels like but that doesn't give you an excuse to act like a happy fool and start blurting your personal information out as soon as you talk to one. Someone might try to kill you in an attempt to rid the world of ugly if you give out your address to every crazy girl/woman/lady/trany you get in touch with online. Protecting yourself at all times is essential as people need to see the difference between pretty and horrific.

DO be a Clingy Doormat
Just when you manage to engage yourself in a serious relationship, don't ruin it all by not being a whipped, clingy, ultra sensitive doormat of a man. Don't take it slow, remember slow and steady wins the race but in your case mentally slow and steadily crazy will not make you a winner so just hang on to her like dear life. Don't make the same mistake of thinking that you are someone again, keep reminding yourself that you are a nobody and thank your lucky stars that someone has agreed to be in a relation ship with you and start worshiping them immediately.

DO lookout for Scams
Just because a supposed to be girl seems interested in you should not get you too excited. There are many online scams designed specifically for dumb desperado's like you, so watch out for them. If someone asks you for money or your bank accounts details to be your "friend", straight away tell them that you are a sad little excuse for a human being with no money and no potential. Tell them you have all the traits of a millionaire, you are bald, middle aged, extremely desperate for loving except you don't have a million bucks. This will surely scare all the scams away. 

These are but just some of the tips i am giving to helpless losers, so don't act like a wise ass, take my advice and turn your life around for the better.

Things that make you go hmmmmm

Here are some things (in no particular order) that are sure to make anyone go hmmmmm

• A donkey on Facebook has more fans than Zardari
• Meera talking in english
• Naveed Qamar not napping in an assembly session
• Chaudhary Shujat Hussain talking
• Musharraf saying he is not afraid of death while being surrounded with an army of body guards
• Qazi Hussain giving a Pro American speech
• Imran Khan not blaming the government for everything evil
• News Channels not blowing things out of propotion
• Government of Pakistan standing up for itself
• PPP not using Benazir as their triumph card
• Zaid Hamid's theories
• Shoaib Sania wedding Fiasco
• Saeed Ajmal holding on to a catch
• Raja pervaiz Ashraf announcing a deadline for load shedding
• Shoaib Akhter not getting injured after a match
• A Pakistani film getting nominated for an Oscar
• Traffic cops rejecting bribes
• Bilawal calling himself a Bhutto (Controversial, i know)
• An actually educated MNA
• Sheikh Rasheed not making any predictions
• Kalabagh Dam

More to come soon

Pakistan needs YOU

Ladies and Gentleman, Hear Yee Hear Yee,

Once again we as a nation are required to help the green shirts out their misery in the ongoing T20 World Cup.

You all are therefore requested to perform the following actions for the sake of Pakistan and Team Pakistan:

• Since there is no way in hell that Team Pakistan can reach the semi finals, finals and defend its title by itself, you are all requested to pray like there is no tomorrow.
• Start repenting for your sins and for the sins committed by Team Pakistan at least one hour before Pakistan and South Africa face off.
• Watch the match in a state of complete ablution while seated on a prayer mat.
• Instead of concentrating on watching the match, concentrate on praying hard with tears in your eyes.
• Contact a certified Voodoo Master or Witch Doctor and pay him to cast a horrible spell on the Proteas as to kill them, physically cripple them or temporary making them insane, whichever option is doable.
• Recite Holy Verses so our team concentrates on the match and not on the spectators or the cheerleaders and consequently does not drop any catches or misfields in a state of horniness.
• It is highly recommended that people should be in a state of Prostration all the while the match is in progress.
• Consider Proteas as the advocates of The Devil, curse and verbally abuse the crap out of them.
• If somehow Pakistan manages to reach the semis, it automatically becomes mandatory on everyone watching to feed two hungry poor people.
• The Semi Final should be watched only by people observing a fast.

If Pakistan does manage to reach the semi's, then the finals and miraculously defends its title then you are all allowed to party in the streets, raise the roof, let loose an orgy of public property destruction, cause a mayhem and disrupt traffic and let all hell break out because we are the champions of crazy, crazy champions indeed.

Bravo boys, Bravo

Congratulations to team Pakistan for finally getting what it really deserved, getting almost kicked out of the T20 event. Seeing Pakistan lose restored my faith in divine justice, you reap what you sow.

Pakistan is on the brink of getting disgracefully eliminated and this is the only logical answer of its sucking, and man did Pakistan suck in this tournament, kind of broke all previous records of sucking by any team, not counting Afghanistan as they are pretty new to the game of cricket and sucking, but otherwise Pakistan did a wonderful job.

Afridi in the post match interview seemed quite happy and content with the performance of his team and himself and why not, all the Pakistani players are very sure of the fact that they are all indispensable and nothing they do or don't will affect their permanent spot in the team.

We surely would have made a complete mess of it all if it was Pakistan fielding on the last ball and the fielder was Saeed Ajmal. He not only would have dropped the catch but there would have over throws as well since Kamran Akmal would not have been able to collect the ball cleanly with his head shoved up his own ass and consequently not being able to see the ball, the bowler would have been standing in the middle of the pitch scratching his behind mimicking a chimpanzee, Afridi would have been preoccupied with the thoughts of which ad to do next and the rest of the numb nuts too busy in conspiring against Afridi or some other player.

Salman Butt tried to be a smart ass by shifting the spotlight on to poor Abdul Rehman, banishing, cursing and leaving a ugly scar on his remaining career. But what else can we accept from a player with the caliber and mindset of Salman Butt, a politically classic move by a not so classic dimwitted player.

The most annoying part of watching Team Pakistan getting the crap smacked out of it was watching it on Geo Super. Geo Super not only crossed the limits but it ventured into new depths of vulgar display and distasteful timing of advertisements. After every minute or a couple of balls the viewers were forced to watch the disgustingly inserted ads which were only adding insult to injury.

The only good thing to come of this T20 Event was Wasim Akram and his acting talent. Wasim bhai you have for sure proved that you are a much better actor than Shahid Afridi, much better by miles. Congratulations on achieving this milestone and conquering a new frontier. And congratulations to Shahid Afridi too for not being able to defend the title but at least he does not have any dandruff in his hair so it makes everything OK and since he has the best mobile connection in town, he can send everyone a SMS explaining what went wrong and how.

As for Pakistan another title, another honor and another great opportunity is about to bite the dust but who cares, not me for sure.

Awesome I.T Songs of All Time

My Code Will Go On – Celine Dion

Right Here Testing for You – Richard Marx

(Every Project I Do) I Do It For You – Bryan Adams

Nothing’s Gonna Change My Code For You – Glenn Medeiros

I Will Always Lead You – Whitney Houston

The Sound of Software – Simona & Garfunkel

I Just Coded To Say I Love You – Stevie Wonder

I Still Haven't Found the requirements - U2

Come Code With Me - Frank Sinatra

Programmers Working Overtime - XTC

Project Will Keep Us Together - the Captain and Tennille

If I Can't Change Your Requirements - Sugar

Bittersweet SDLC - the Verve

I Heard It Through The SRS - Marvin Gaye

Everybody's Coding - Harry Nilsson

Take Me To The Server - Al Green

Sympathy For The Client - Rolling Stones

The Project In The Bubble - Paul Simon

Papa Was A Project Manager - the Temptations

Ain't Too Proud To Test - the Temptations

Last Great American Bug - Lou Reed

Back In Linux - AC/DC

I Feel The Requirements Move - Carole King

You Should Be Coding - Bee Gees

Big Portal, No Hits - Randy Newman

That's The Way (I Nuke It) - KC and The Sunshine Band



More to come soon

Stand up for the losers

I am not a devoted follower of cricket per se but whenever Pakistan is playing i do take some time out to watch, hoping to see Pakistan loose. I know this must be sounding very unpatriotic to the readers but for a moment stop being patriotic and think from a rational point of view. Does Pakistan really deserve to win big titles with such players and performance? The answer is a plain, simple and honest no.

Luck might favor the brave but victory favors hard work. Pakistan did not and does not deserve to win while riding on the shoulders of luck alone, the glory of being crowned victorious belongs to them who keep their feet firmly planted on the foundation of hard work and dedication.

Do we ever see the players of Australia, South Africa or England complaining about luck or hidden elements of nature? no we don't, why, because hard work triumphs luck most of the time, the only team fit to curse luck is South Africa and we don't see them doing that at all, never ever.

Only cowards and sore losers blame others and other things for their failures and short comings, real men take steps to avoid failures and set backs and when they are faced with failure they do not give lame excuses to cover their own faults.

In today's match the run out of Afridi was a classic and repetitive example of a cricketer having suicidal tendencies. But that's not all, Saeed Ajmal takes the cake for being the hero for England. Thank God he is able to hold on to his set own set of balls better then a cricket ball. I wonder if and when the management of the Pakistani cricket team sends him off to England or any other foreign country to get him examined for the holes in his hands. But will he or we learn anything from it? No way, we are too proud a team, a team of Talentless, Money Hungry Fame Whores.

Whenever i see the manipulative face of Kamran Akmal my blood starts to boil, i don't understand, why the hell is he still in the team. How hard is it for a keeper to collect the ball cleanly and hit the stumps. Why don't Sangakara or Brandon Mc Cullum act like morons while in the field. Why is Pakistan the only team to be bestowed with this honor of having a moronic under qualified wicket keeper.

Now for the cherry on the cake, we have a notorious match fixer himself as a fielding coach. Having known this fact and mentioned it here i believe i should stop writing because it all makes perfect sense now, the coach, the players and the fielding.

Congratulations to England for being the better team and playing a better game, lets see what excuse our great captain comes up with in his press conference.

Brain Hemorrhage

Pakistan has been constantly facing biological warfare from India for the past almost 10 years or so and this war is being fought in a very sophisticated way through a lifeless and seemingly harmless apparatus known as Television or the Idiot Box. Because i get Star Plus on my cable service i would insist on calling my T.V as an Idiot Box simply because whenever star plus is on, it makes my T.V look like an Idiot. And not the good kind of Idiot as in 3 Idiots but an Idiot Idiot.

But things only get worse from here, not only do the Indian channels make my T.V look bad, the serials or soap operas being aired on them can easily kill anyone with a brain by giving them a Brain Hemorrhage, thankfully i don't have the habit of watching such over the line dimwitted programs.

But all is not well, i fear for my family as my wife and my mom are simply addicted to them, and i fear that they might get effected by Brain Hemorrhage or at least get dumber and dumber if they keep on watching such non sense making, pretend goody goody, religiously subliminal trashy programming.

A couple of days ago me and THE wife got into an argument over the remote control of the T.V and the remote being in her possession, i was forced to watch a serial with her. But as soon as my brain realized the catastrophic situation, it went blank, fortunately because of all the wonderful documentaries and quality reading my brain has programmed itself to not accept and save any trash or rubbish.

While watching the serial i could literally and figuratively feel my brain cells committing suicide, my wit being dimmed, my common sense being violated and got the distinct feeling of my intelligence being raped. And it was then that a whole new dimension of the term "SERIAL Rapist" became visible to me. Before i started to bleed out of my eyes and ears, i stopped watching, just to live another day.

The serial was poorly directed, ridiculously scripted, over acted by every actor, lacking any concept of any kind, was far away from any ground reality and made absolutely no sense what so ever at all.

The Dialogues were poorly written, the women were always crying, the men were always in the house but their business went on smoothly without any problems or any need of their presence, all of the cast members lived in huge lavish mansions, the men have nothing better to do then to participate in womanly affairs, the stupid twists in the story, Plastic surgeries and narrow escapes from death every time but the most strange thing was how the characters greeted each other in a typical hindush way was perplexing to say the least.( i have been to India myself many times and i have yet to see any real person greeting or being greeted the way they show in their serials).

The makers of such serials are bona fide superior quality Douche-bags, but what anger's me the most is they think the audience is made up of complete dumb asses who would gladly watch their serials and let them make a complete fool out of themselves at their own expense. Cultural media war fare is one thing but trashy T.V, now that's just insulting and ludicrous.

I am sure there are many people out there who share the same views as i do but keep in mind i was compelled to write about this after watching only one episode of one serial, and i am sure the people who are forced to watch these serials regularly would have a lot more and a lot worse to say about the lame serials being aired on star plus and other Indian channels.

Practice safe viewing (wear ear plugs and blindfolds)to avoid STD's (Satellitically Transmitted Diseases)spread by the Indian T.V channels, may God save us all from Brain Hemorrhage and other diseases spread by the Indians now and always. (Amen)

Darn Amplifier

What do you get when you mix a car with a Woofer and an Amplifier? The Amplifier song by Imran Khan. Never ever did i thought that one day someone is going to profess his love for the car and the sound system in it by creating and singing a song about it and metaphorically aiming it on his girlfriend to make it look O.K.

I pity Ghalib for not using donkey carts, horse carts and bull carts as metaphors for love and affection in his poetry. What a shame, Ghalib had the chance to redefine poetry and he completely missed the opportunity. Now Amplifier, this really is music to the ears, no matter how weird it sounds. The foundation has been laid for everyone to profess love for their means of transport, like i would write a song for my legs praising my pants, shoes, socks, toes and nails etc.

But after hearing the amplifier song i could not help but wonder because the lyrics hint that the singer is either gay for his car or the woofer or the amplifier and in any case that's a very strange kind of gay. The girlfriend in this song is just a piece of showpiece used to make the car look even better. Moreover the singer mentions that he is going to use the breaks of the car to make his girlfriend scream and get his freak on, meaning the singer is into some kinky stuff as well. I have heard of a girl getting married to her laptop but that's understandable, maybe she met someone on the internet, fell in love with him, things didn't work out between them and now in a state of denial she thinks that her prince charming lives inside the laptop so just marry it and the prince will automatically come to her. But being gay for a car, now that's some serious food for crazy thoughts.

The singer also mentions that he is going to drive at a speed of 220, i don't know whether he means miles or kilometers and he also openly declares that he is not even going to stop for the police and in a state of delusion he thinks he's a knight rider, but the problem is that knight rider was the car's name and not of the driver's. Thus making the gay for the car thing become more obvious.

After a couple of verses into the song the singer suddenly realizes that his secret is out so he pretends to be straight by making a lame attempt through vaguely mentioning something about the T-Shirt of his girl friend getting wet due to excessive sweating in the heat and while in the state of being wet he asks his girlfriend to touch the car and turn on the AC. See the singer was trying to pose as straight but ended up looking BI, if not completely gay for his car.

But having said all of the above i must admit that the song does have a very nice beat to it and it kind of grows on you little by little until you too are completely gay for you car or the sound system in it.