Shattered Dreams

What can i say about today's match, we all saw everything that went down happening live. Yet again, the thought of a victory over Australia proved to be nothing more than a mirage, an image which the brain forcibly creates and deceives the eyes into seeing but in reality it just does not exist. I now realize that cricket has evolved into a science, its not just a game anymore and the Aussie team is made up of researchers, physicians, surgeons and engineers, all the time, every time ready, willing and able to revive their team back to a state of victory regardless of the situation.

We had rightly prepared ourselves for the onslaught of the Aussie pace attack but we were left perplexed when it came to White and Hussey. Damn you, never say die, positively optimistic, run scoring machine Hussey, I hate you. I hate you for not giving up, I hate you for believing in yourself, I hate you for your hard work and dedication, I hate you for performing under a million Newton tons of pressure and I hate you for making everything wrong that Pakistan did right. I hate you for making the green grease on Umar Akmal's lips look bad, I hate you for taking you optimism out on the poor cricket ball and hitting is so hard that it went out of the ground three times in the last over consecutively, I hate you for kangaroo punching us, I hate you for bullying us but I hate you most for not letting us through to the finals even though we were the most deserving, two match winning, absolutely fantastic example of a dedicated cricket team.

Who the frick do you think you are Hussey? You were supposed to let your hopes die after white got out. After watching your performance it felt like determination and dedication had an abnormal child and named him Michael Hussey. You sir are abnormal, because normal people throw in the towel when the going gets too tough and the pressure seizes the brain from functioning. I hope your abnormal ass career dies a conspiracy engulfed, terribly horrific, politically motivated death. 

We painstakingly managed to reach the semi's on the basis of charity left behind by the other teams, but sadly there wasn't any more left lying around to propel us into the finals.

I applaud Pakistan for finally showing some class and a fighting spirit, but i guess it was too little to late. Unfortunately for me, I find myself in a very sad situation where I have to bow my head to the greatness of the Kangaroos and hang my head in shame because that’s the only logical thing left to do.

P.S, after writing down my thoughts and re reading them i could not help but feel that something was missing and finally i realized what it was, i forgot to elaborate on Umar Akmal and his green lips. so here's something from me to Umar Akmal, i apologize to the old guy on American idol for messing with his self created every lasting melody which coincidentally is the best thing to come out of this season of American Idol: 

Grease on the lips, grease on the lips, YO lookin like a fool with the grease on your lips

Stupid, Strict Translations

Following are some strictly literal Urdu to English Translations of commonly used sentences and famous movie dialogues :

• Lalay, Naukri kar, Ghulami na kar
• Pathan's son, job do, slavery no do
•  
• Chotay, Chai la
• Junior, tea get
• 
  
• Tamatar kaisay diay?
• Tomatoes how give
• 
  
• kuch kam to karo
• some less to do
• 
  
• Bade bade desho mein aisi chhoti chhoti baatein hoti rehti hein.
• Big Big Countries in this small small things happening
• 
  
• Don ka intzaar to gyarah mulko ki police kar rahi hai Sonia, Lekin itna jan lo ki DON ko pakadna mushkil hi nahi, na mumkin hai.
• Don for waiting eleven countries police Sonia, but this know DON to arrest difficult not only impossible is
• 
  
• Mohabbat bhi zindagi ki tarah hoti hai, har mod aasan nahi hota, har mod par khushi nahi milti.... Par jab hum zindagi ka saath nahi chodte to hum mohabbat ka saath kyon chhode."
• love too life is like, every turn easy not, every turn on happiness not get... but when we life along not let go then we love along why let go
• 
  
• Tum soch rahi hogi ki main yeh race kyo haar gaya. Main yeh race tumhare liye har gaya. Tumhi ne kaha tha na ki mere dad ke saamne ye iki, riki, piki sab fail ho jaate hai. Kabhi-kabhi kuch jitne ke liye kuch haarna padta hai Aur haar kar jitne wale ko Baazigar kehte hai.
• You thinking that me this race why lost. i this race for you lost, you only said no that my father in front this iki, riki, piki everything fails. Sometime sometime some winning for some lose have to and lost after winning is Baazigar called
• 
  
• Mogambo khush hua
• Magambo happy is
• 
  
• AAJ ....aaj ek zindagi aur jeelo .aaj ek hasin aur baathlo, aaj ek sapna aur dekhlo , aaj ek aason aur peelo
• Today... today one life more live. Today one smile more spread, today one dream more see, today one tear more drink
• 
  
• Yeh bacchhon ke khelne ki cheez nahi, haath kat jaaye toh khoon nikal aata hai.
• This kids for playing for thing not, hand cut if then blood out comes is.
• 
  
• Mooche ho to Nathulal jaise ho….warna na ho
• Mustache have like Nathulal like have... otherwise not have
• 
  
• Sara saher mujhe lion ke naam se jaanta hai
• Whole city me lion name knows
• 
  
• Police ne tumhe charon taraf se gher liya hai – apne aap ko kannon ke haawale kar do
• Police have your four directions from surrounded have - yourself you law to surrender to
• 
  
• Chalti Ka Naam Gadi
• Moving is named car
•  
• Mere Paas Maa Hai
• I near mother is
•  
• Arrey oh sambha kitney admi they
• O yee Sambha how many men were
•  
• Chal Dhano! Aaj teri Basanti ki izzhat ka saawal hai
• walk dhanno! today your basanti of  respect for question is
•  
• Hum jaha pe khade ho jaate hein, line wahi se shuru hoti hai
• we where standing, queue there begins from
• 
  
• Rishtey main to hum tumhare baap lagte hain magar naam hai Shenshah
• Relation in I your father am but name is Shehshah
• 
  
• Kanoon ke haath bahut lambe hote hain
• Law of hands lot long has
• 
  
• Basanti in kutto ke samne mat nachna
• Basanti these dogs in front of not dance

As always more to come soon

Some Do's and Dont's of Online Dating

Anyone who says online dating is a good way to find your soul mate is a lying retard and a loser. If you are online trying to find your significant other it only means that you have gone past rock bottom and are destined to live your life alone and die a loner's death. Honestly if you weren't such a woman repeller your family or friends might have succeeded in getting you married in a arranged way or you yourself might have successfully struck the right chord with someone already, and since you have not, it doesn't take rocket science to predict the happenings in the future of your non existent love life. I know you are one stubborn son of a gun and are bent upon making someone miserable for the rest of their life, so here are some do's and dont's of online dating.

DON’T be a Poser
The info highway is cramped with losers like you so stop pretending that you are not. Just be you lame self and someone might actually, even out of pity give you a second thought. The person on the other side of the monitor is just as big a loser as you are so why pretend?

Post your own Face
Be true to yourself and your creator and post your own pics, no matter how terribly fugly they might be. Posting fake pictures is considered as a shenanigan and will get you no where (like you are going places). Remember even negative publicity is a form of publicity itself so if a flattering picture can attract eyes, so can a butt ugly one. And one more thing, no risque photos, if no body wants to see your face, showing them your private parts will not win them over.

The First Step
Don't start your communications with a big whiny statement. Stop draining energy from the person you are communicating with by boring them with your sad stories, nobody wants to listen to the pathetic stories concerning your past or your life altogether. Be positive, but not HIV positive. I know being positive is not your thing but you can at least try. Don't be afraid to fail, if it doesn't work out don't admit to being a loser, call her a skank and move on to the next one.

DON’T be too Desperate
You might not be familiar with what a woman's touch feels like but that doesn't give you an excuse to act like a happy fool and start blurting your personal information out as soon as you talk to one. Someone might try to kill you in an attempt to rid the world of ugly if you give out your address to every crazy girl/woman/lady/trany you get in touch with online. Protecting yourself at all times is essential as people need to see the difference between pretty and horrific.

DO be a Clingy Doormat
Just when you manage to engage yourself in a serious relationship, don't ruin it all by not being a whipped, clingy, ultra sensitive doormat of a man. Don't take it slow, remember slow and steady wins the race but in your case mentally slow and steadily crazy will not make you a winner so just hang on to her like dear life. Don't make the same mistake of thinking that you are someone again, keep reminding yourself that you are a nobody and thank your lucky stars that someone has agreed to be in a relation ship with you and start worshiping them immediately.

DO lookout for Scams
Just because a supposed to be girl seems interested in you should not get you too excited. There are many online scams designed specifically for dumb desperado's like you, so watch out for them. If someone asks you for money or your bank accounts details to be your "friend", straight away tell them that you are a sad little excuse for a human being with no money and no potential. Tell them you have all the traits of a millionaire, you are bald, middle aged, extremely desperate for loving except you don't have a million bucks. This will surely scare all the scams away. 

These are but just some of the tips i am giving to helpless losers, so don't act like a wise ass, take my advice and turn your life around for the better.

Things that make you go hmmmmm

Here are some things (in no particular order) that are sure to make anyone go hmmmmm

• A donkey on Facebook has more fans than Zardari
• Meera talking in english
• Naveed Qamar not napping in an assembly session
• Chaudhary Shujat Hussain talking
• Musharraf saying he is not afraid of death while being surrounded with an army of body guards
• Qazi Hussain giving a Pro American speech
• Imran Khan not blaming the government for everything evil
• News Channels not blowing things out of propotion
• Government of Pakistan standing up for itself
• PPP not using Benazir as their triumph card
• Zaid Hamid's theories
• Shoaib Sania wedding Fiasco
• Saeed Ajmal holding on to a catch
• Raja pervaiz Ashraf announcing a deadline for load shedding
• Shoaib Akhter not getting injured after a match
• A Pakistani film getting nominated for an Oscar
• Traffic cops rejecting bribes
• Bilawal calling himself a Bhutto (Controversial, i know)
• An actually educated MNA
• Sheikh Rasheed not making any predictions
• Kalabagh Dam

More to come soon

Pakistan needs YOU

Ladies and Gentleman, Hear Yee Hear Yee,

Once again we as a nation are required to help the green shirts out their misery in the ongoing T20 World Cup.

You all are therefore requested to perform the following actions for the sake of Pakistan and Team Pakistan:

• Since there is no way in hell that Team Pakistan can reach the semi finals, finals and defend its title by itself, you are all requested to pray like there is no tomorrow.
• Start repenting for your sins and for the sins committed by Team Pakistan at least one hour before Pakistan and South Africa face off.
• Watch the match in a state of complete ablution while seated on a prayer mat.
• Instead of concentrating on watching the match, concentrate on praying hard with tears in your eyes.
• Contact a certified Voodoo Master or Witch Doctor and pay him to cast a horrible spell on the Proteas as to kill them, physically cripple them or temporary making them insane, whichever option is doable.
• Recite Holy Verses so our team concentrates on the match and not on the spectators or the cheerleaders and consequently does not drop any catches or misfields in a state of horniness.
• It is highly recommended that people should be in a state of Prostration all the while the match is in progress.
• Consider Proteas as the advocates of The Devil, curse and verbally abuse the crap out of them.
• If somehow Pakistan manages to reach the semis, it automatically becomes mandatory on everyone watching to feed two hungry poor people.
• The Semi Final should be watched only by people observing a fast.

If Pakistan does manage to reach the semi's, then the finals and miraculously defends its title then you are all allowed to party in the streets, raise the roof, let loose an orgy of public property destruction, cause a mayhem and disrupt traffic and let all hell break out because we are the champions of crazy, crazy champions indeed.